Goodbye World Page #4

I wish I could live here.

Dude, it's a shack.

I thought your place was huge.

We spend all our time

decorating and redecorating.

I don't even use 90% of the rooms.

You still haven't figured it out.

What?

What you want out of life.

You still having

those panic attacks?

Haven't had one in years.

That's good.

Till two days ago.

Really?

It's really weird coming up here.

It's like going back in time.

I just keep thinking

about everything.

And it's really strange

seeing Lily again.

Come on. Wake up.

What are you doing?

I am trying to wake

you the f*** up.

Stop hitting me.

No.

You need to make

decisions, take action,

live with the consequences...

Okay! Stop hitting me!

All right. All right.

Yes.

Maybe. Yes!

One, two, three.

Another one.

Only one a day,

or it's not special.

Let's go look for

fairies in the forest.

Fairies?

Yeah, I saw one this morning.

Maybe if we're lucky

we'll find her.

Stay within view of the house.

No problem.

Lev, buddy, are you a terrorist?

I don't think so.

Cool.

Cool.

You can't go commando if

you're borrowing my pants.

There has to be some

kind of barrier.

I do not share underwear.

What?

They're perfectly washed.

Yes, but the memories remain.

Laura, can I talk to

you for a second?

Hey, do-not-disturb zone, James.

Please.

She's my friend.

He said please.

Ugh.

If we ration this it

should last quite a while.

We're in the middle

of a growing season,

so we should have plenty

of fresh vegetables.

But I think we should only

eat half of what we grow,

and then preserve the rest.

Oh, what's that?

EpiPens, amoxicillin,

tetracycline, erythromycin.

Jesus, I had no idea you

were such a survivalist.

I buy in bulk.

I think the medical fridge

is kind of crossing

the prepper line.

I started an emergency checklist,

if you want to go over it with me.

Okay, you are aware of the fact

that I'm drunk right now, right?

Yeah.

We can do this later.

By the way, I asked Lev

if he's a terrorist.

What?

We're in the clear.

What do you mean you asked him?

I caught him off guard and

carefully gauged his reaction.

James, you're a f***ing idiot.

Hey.

Okay, all right.

Uh, we're going to

go back in there,

and you are going to ask

me the exact same thing

in front of him.

Laura, trust me.

You don't have to worry about Lev.

Either we're going

to do this my way

or I am calling the authorities.

With what?

Your Bat Phone?

Don't test me.

- That was good.

- Laura.

Now I'm kind of

worked a little bit.

Laura.

Yes?

Are you a terrorist?

No. Can you pass the rolls?

Anyone here? Anyone engage any

illegal or treasonous activity?

Dude, what the f*** are

you talking about?

I have to ask.

It's for insurance.

Anyway...

Good. Could you pass the wine?

God, James, you've

become so paranoid.

We found out today that the

cops got run out of town.

What does that mean?

It means that we should talk

about ways to secure the house.

Oh, I can build a security system.

You guys got a baby monitor or a

cell phone or remote control?

Mm-hmm.

Shouldn't be a problem then.

We should also talk

about rationing.

Yawn!

- He's kind of right, Lily.

- Come on, you guys.

This is the first time we've

all been together in what?

Like eight years?

I propose we table all serious

apocalypse talk until tomorrow.

All in favour?

Aye.

Anyone else?

All in favour?

Aye.

All opposed?

Nay.

Nay.

Lame. Lev?

Nay.

You're dead to me.

Becky, what say you?

Um, I don't care.

That's an abstention.

Four to three.

Victory. Mandatory

libations and celebration.

Cheers.

- To democracy.

- To democracy.

All right, and onto the

next order of business,

I propose that we all

go around the table

and everybody say the one thing

they will miss the most

about the old world.

Benji, you start.

Hmm.

I don't know.

I got nothing.

Seriously?

You're ruining the game and

we haven't even started.

I know what Benji will miss.

What?

Starbucks.

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, f***.

Starbucks?

Yes.

I'm guilty of that.

What a hypocrite.

Laura, what about you?

I will miss history.

What kind of bullshit

answer is that?

Boring.

All right. Every Fourth of

July I go to Mount Vernon

to re-enact the Revolutionary War.

It is one of the

highlights of my year,

and I'm allowed to miss it.

Don't judge me.

What happens at these

re-enactments?

Well, I play George Washington.

You play an old, dead white dude?

Who led the American Revolution.

No big deal.

Just the most coveted role,

which I have won

five years running.

Forensics? Hollah!

Oh! Ready?

Rhetoric!

Rhetoric!

One, two, three.

We're a set. What?

A set. What?

Count it out.

One.

Two.

Three. Mathletes.

What?

You're still really,

really good at that.

Okay, I'm going to miss YouTube,

because now there's, like, zero

chance I'll ever be famous.

That's probably a good thing.

Well, I was planning

on getting famous

for my talent, not for

f***ing married senators.

Whoo! Senator, singular.

And I got 20 million

hits, so suck it.

Literally.

Jesus.

Whoa.

I'm really going to miss NASA.

You got a secret plan

to be an astronaut?

No, James, but that doesn't

mean I wasn't inspired by it.

No, I know what you're

really going to miss.

Oh, yeah?

Please enlighten me.

Cuteoverload.com.

You're on it every day watching

kittens wrestle with puppies.

That sounds very dangerous.

Why would they do that?

You know me so well.

Becky, what about you?

Um, I guess if I had to pick

one thing, it would be...

volunteering.

What?

What'd I say?

I love it.

Are you f***ing serious?

To volunteering.

- To volunteering.

What's your name, little lady?

Hannah.

Can I help you?

We're with the National Guard

Regional Support Group.

We're here to gather information

on who's in the area,

see what resources are needed.

How did you get past the gate?

Good-looking horses.

They look a lot like

our neighbour's.

Our Humvee busted so

we borrowed them.

Kyle here nearly got thrown off.

Tried to ride it like I seen

in the movies, but it spooked.

You asked before

taking them, right?

That's what borrowing

mean, don't it?

It's a really nice

setup you have here.

Definitely better than the other

houses we visited so far.

You know, this would be a good

place for us to set up base.

Canvas the area.

I mean, we're fine to

crash on the couch.

Whatever's available.

They're just trying to help.

They need information

to allocate resources.

Right. That's why they need

my social security number.

I'm with Benji.

F*** the Man.

And what are you guys going to do?

Hide?

They have guns.

They're supposed to

have guns, Lily.

They're soldiers.

I don't know, man.

They really creep me out.

We have a gun.

Jesus Christ.

Why do you have that?

Lev?

I found it.

It's loaded.

F***ing A.

I can't believe you brought

a loaded gun into my house.

I'm sorry.

Look, I don't think we

have any other choice

but to cooperate with these guys.

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