Grandhotel Page #2

Now get this:
the best of all.

My own design.

The Jested rubber.

Trojan of the Year '89.

- You really invented this, huh?

- Invented it and tried it out.

Tested on humans, pal.

Of course, you could use it

for a hat or a balloon.

It'd make a good weather balloon.

But it's kind of small, isn't it?

Small, huh? Small, huh?

These, my friend, are from one

highly satisfied Hungarian lady.

The only Hungarian you'll ever

have is goulash, leftovers to boot.

Let's make a deal:

leave me alone and I'll do my job.

Relax, just relax!

Without my advice

you'd be completely unbearable.

- Jegr's old Indian trick. -Can

it wait till after the weather?

Clouds won't do you, pal.

Listen up!

If you really,

really love someone...

- yank out three dick hairs.

- Dick hairs? That's gross.

Okay, ball hairs.

Yank out three pubes

and stick them

in some pretty-puss's food.

After that, the deadest of dead

fish will grant you three wishes.

You're such a twisted pig!

Yank out your own cock hair, creep.

Hold on!

Now you've really pissed me off.

A person opens his heart,

looks after you like family,

and you spit in his face?

What're you looking at?

Get out of here!

Beat it, man! Do you

need it written down, you psycho?

Can't you do that tomorrow?

Aren't we discovering America

with Mr. Einstein and Miss Liberec?

You said

people should help each other.

Sure, honey.

But only under certain conditions.

Only if you

get something out of it, right?

Since when are you Mother Teresa?

You're such a loser.

I slave away nights

so we can have some fun,

so you won't have to schlep dishes,

so this town will seem fun...

and then she calls me a loser.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

- Good morning.

- Hi.

- Do you ever eat, say, apples?

- Un-un.

- Doesn't that make you sick?

- No, I like them.

That cloud looks like you eating:

crumbs everywhere.

- And that one looks like you.

- Which? -That cumulus on the left.

- Hi.

- Hi.

Hi, what's up?

Okay, how's it going?

- I think that cloud looks more like

Zuzana. -Which cloud? -That one.

It's beautiful. But alone, lonely.

- Smell this. -Smells good.

- Doesn't it stink?

Are you pregnant?

Oh, I guess you'd know.

- Want it?

- No, it's "yoghurt Thursday."

- Want it?

- What a pampered lady...

It's alright.

- What're you staring at?

- Enjoy the soup. -Thanks.

I'm scared

I'll look fat in my bikini.

At least you'll know

if those Kinderkill work.

- Can I tell you something?

- Sure.

I was born with 12 toes.

They cut two off, and the doctor

said I shouldn't worry about it.

- So don't. -But what if he

finds out? I've got little scars.

- Don't take your shoes off.

- So I should swim in my socks?

I don't think anyone's

going to look at your little toes.

- Hey, dopey, what kind of suit

you got? -Why? -Show me.

- I don't have a suit, I got boxers.

- So show me.

Stop squirming and drop your pants.

- Yep, Zuzana's gonna like that.

- Who cares?

You're dumb. Take what comes.

Falling in love is positive.

It's for life. Start with Zuzana

and end up a super master.

- Know how you're gonna do it?

- Yeah... Like normal...

Humpty Dumpty.

Okay, good... Let's go to the dam.

Me and Ilja will take off,

and you'll have time alone.

- Aren't we going to the pool?

I'm not leaving town. -Why?

Well...because it's going to rain.

- Why would it?

- I said it's gonna rain!

Promise me we'll go to the pool.

Take it easy, relax.

I promise. No problem.

Close your fly

or you might get wet, dopey.

- Thought it over, Fleischman?

- It's gonna rain.

- On TV they said it'd be sunny.

- No, I mean about Happy Life!

The car, the radio, the shoes,

the chick--all made in Happy Life.

- Thanks a lot.

- Honey, I'm just trying to help.

- How long were you in America?

- A long time. -A year.

It's not like here.

This place is dead city Liberec.

- The only thing to do here

is disappear.cz. -Exactly.

- Hey, the pool's that way.

- We're going to the dam.

- You said the pool. -The pool's

for brats and perverts, eh, girls?

- Yep.

- You promised.

Words lie. Thanks for trusting me.

- Hey, are you okay?

- It's from all the cookies.

- Please, stop. -What a baby.

- Are you okay? -No, stop!

- He said stop!

- You're a man. Tough it out.

- Stop or I'll jump.

- Go on, Rambo, jump!

We're off to America.

Let's go, buddy!

Stop!

I didn't mean to. Sorry, Ludek.

How... How...

How many times I gotta tell you?

Ludek who?

Are you my mom, or what?

What were you doing? I'm Patka!

P-A... P-A-T-K-A. Okay? Okay?

Get that through your thick head!

Where are you going?

- Ilja, get in.

- Leave me alone.

Your choice.

Are you nuts, or what?

Kindly go back on your own side.

- You've never been anyplace, right?

- Why do you ask? -Have you or not?

- I guess not.

- You guess or you're sure?

I guess for sure not.

Why should I have been anyplace?

- Liberec is enough for me.

- Does that seem normal? -Yeah.

- How old are you anyway?

- Thirty.

You're really weird.

- How do you know about the weather?

- What exactly?

- Like when it's going to rain.

- I just calculate it.

- How long have you been doing it?

- Three times a day for 23 years.

Temperature, pressure, dew point,

condensation level, precipitation.

I first measure everything,

then I plot it on a graph.

Wanna see it?

Zuzana?

- No one wants me because I have

too much love. -That's not true.

Yes, it is. I don't even know how

to tell someone, so I do such...

- God, I'm so embarrassed.

- I'd fall for you if I were a guy.

But you have Patka.

No one ever tells me

I have nice hair.

- I'm just not perfect like you.

- Like me? Are you kidding?

You know, I've never

said I love you to anyone.

- Come on.

- Really, not even in high school.

Why not?

- I don't know how.

- What do you mean? -l don't know.

I don't know how.

I've got a mental block.

I only felt like telling

one person anyway.

- Patka?

- My mom.

- What do you tell him?

- That I'm happy.

If you want

you can practice telling me.

You have nice hair.

- Hi there, Ilja.

- Sit with us.

- What's that?

- Today is fat-eating Friday. This burns up everything.

- Where'd you get it?

- In the park. Want some?

- There's nettle

and dandelion there. -Dogs, too.

Sorry about yesterday, honey.

- Calculating? -A person

always has to calculate something.

- Who said that?

- I don't know, but it's true.

- It sounds like Johnson. -Who's

that? -Our hyper super master.

He also said:
Whoever

doesn't want to be rich is lying.

- That's it exactly.

- No, it's Happy Life.

But something

is more important than Happy Life.

- Am I hearing right?

Please, tell me what. -Forgiveness.

Honey, everything I do is for us.

- Hey, I'm sorry.

- I am too.

I'm sorry too.

Well, then I'm sorry too.

Johnson also said: We have...

Johnson said:
Life is like tennis.

We have the right to a second serve

but each of us must find

the strength to pick up the ball.

- Well? - I'm not interested.

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