Greedy Page #4

l'm not paying you to film this. You...

Where's my special boy?

- Where's Uncle Joe's special boy?

- Here l am, Uncle Joe.

Carl, get in touch with reality.

Where's Little Danny?

Where's my special little boy?

l'm right here.

There you are.

Here, film this. This is why l hired you.

You gonna do Durante?

- Yeah.

- Good boy. Come on.

[as Durante] # lnka dinka doo

A dinka dee a dinka doo

# Oh, what a tune for croonin'

# lnka dinka doo a dinka dee a dinka doo

# lt's got the whole world...swoonin'

# Eskimo belles up in...

[ as Durante] Stop the musicl Stop the music.

Folks, l want to welcome you

to my Great-Uncle Joe's 50th birthday party.

Ha-cha-cha-cha-cha

Remember, Uncle Joe...

# Start off each day with a song

# Even when things go wrong

# You'll feel better, you'll even look better

# l'm here to tell you you got to be go-getter

# 'Cause you know that you can't go wrong

# When you start off each day with a song #

- Yeah.

- Yeahl

Good boy.

Uncle Joe,

here's our present.

- Who the hell is this?

- It's Danny.

Danny Junior. We found him for you

for your birthday.

- Danny?

- Uncle Joe. Happy birthday.

Little Danny!

Hug him. Go hug him.

Stop the music, huh?

- Hey!

- Hey.

What a present!

- Is your...?

- What?

- Are you alone?

- Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Well, let's go break the pinata.

You can do it! Come on, get him!

Hit the pig!

Douglas looks the same as he did

This is his son.

- Come on, Douglas! You can do it!

- [Uncle Joe] Keep going.

So your cousins found you and brought you here, huh?

Yeah, it was their idea.

I wonder what made them

suddenly decide to do that.

Don't know, huh?

- I couldn't...

- They tell you about Molly?

Yeah.

- Yeah, they did.

- [Molly] Come on, you can do better than that.

She's your new nurse, right?

She's more than a nurse.

She's a...companion.

- What do you think about that?

- Hey. You worked hard. You're entitled.

What do you really think?

I think it's ridiculous. I mean, I'm watching

you, you can barely wear your hat.

Douglas, stop playing around

and fetch me a beer.

My pleasure, sir.

What are you two talking about?

I was telling Danny about Molly.

How important she's become to me.

I've been thinking that she's the person

in the world who's become closest to me.

The person I'd most like to see have

some happiness, some good fortune.

But seeing Little Daniel again

has made me think about...family.

After all is said and done,

maybe family comes first, mm?

Molly! What do you think?

Does family come first?

I suppose it depends on the family, really.

How wise.

How deep, how pithy.

Family, friends...who can choose?

- Know what I'd like?

- [all] What?

I'd like Danny to do Jimmy Durante for me.

- Yes!

- Yeah, come on!

- That would be just so happy-making.

- Yeah.

No.

Jesus! This is pathetic.

- Shut up and do Durante.

- You do Durante! This is demented.

This wasn't such a good present after all.

Molly, honey. Let's go inside.

Your family's here.

They all want to be with you.

But I'd rather just be with you.

All right, then.

First let me get some sweeties.

- Danny, are you married?

- No.

- Girlfriend?

- Yeah, I have a girlfriend.

Bring her around tomorrow. Two o'clock.

We'll go swimming.

Swimming. Great.

I feel like a goddamn tea bag.

Sorry, sir.

- Let me ask you, Robin.

- Yes, sir.

- Do you ever produce basketball games?

- I will, next season.

You know what I hate?

When the camera's on the stands

on some moron

and his face is painted blue and white,

and I miss a basket.

- So do I.

- Danny. And you?

You going to bowl the rest of your life?

Hit the senior tours?

Actually, I've given up bowling.

I have this injury.

Oh, yeah, it's a rough sport.

I was going to go back to college.

You know, get a teaching degree.

You'll never make

the same money as Robin.

We've decided that that's not important.

Right.

- Douglas!

- Yes, sir?

Much obliged, sir.

May I go and change now, sir?

- You can go dance the hully-gully for all I care.

- Thank you, sir.

Yeah, I know, teaching's

a wondertul thing. Very noble.

You've been bowling ten years,

that leads to nothing?

- You just throw those ten years away?

- Well, I...

What?

I have this opportunity to invest

in a bowling centre. It's an excellent deal.

- But I'm...

- Short of money.

Yeah.

- How much?

- It's $300,000.

[whistles Durante tune]

Danny, come in the pool.

Ah... Just...

Ph! Pah!

- Is this salt water?

- Yeah. Helps me float.

This belt's not enough.

I can't use my legs.

Tell you what,

I'll wrestIe you for the money.

- What?

- I'll wrestle you.

If you win, I'll give you $300,000.

If I win, you owe me nothing.

[nervous laugh]

Show that girlfriend of yours

what you're made of.

Yeah, definitely. I'm gonna beat up

an elderly crippled man

and she's gonna say, ''What a catch!''

- Can your feet touch?

- No.

Good.

[cries out]

- Danny?

- Come on, bowler!

- Help me! Oh, man!

- Joe-Joe, that's enough. Let him up.

Help!

[Uncle Joe screams then Danny joins in]

- I win the first round. Two out of three.

- No!

You heard him. He quit.

Where is he?

- You OK?

- Get me out, honey.

Jesus! You got the grip of a bear!

And I like to win.

Yeah, well.

I'll give you the money.

- You mean like a loan?

- No, no, no. It's yours. A gift.

You're different from the others.

You're better.

And for all the times you made me laugh.

# lnka dinka dinka dinka dink #

Uncle Joe, this is... I don't...

- Still see your father?

- What? Oh, yeah, sure.

I bail him out of jail, we make a day of it.

- Strange man.

- Well, yeah, strange, sure.

But with principles he believes in.

I want you to call him from here.

- Really?

- Yeah.

That's really great. Because it's been

too many years, and it's silly...

Tell him you came to me for money

and I'm giving it to you.

You realise he was wrong and I was right.

And you need what I've got

more than what he's got.

Tell him and I'll give you the money.

Robin, we're leaving.

You know there's something

sicker about you than your legs?

How about you, Molly?

Wanna wrestle?

Douglas!

[thunder]

- You had us worried.

- About what?

Well, we put Uncle Joe to bed

and we realised how late it was,

and we got concerned about you.

Monday nights l go to this news-stand

to get the new TV Guide for Joe.

He likes to get it early so he can

circle everything he wants to watch.

Does he circle your ass?

You really are a stupid sod, aren't you?

l'm going to bed.

Uncle Joe was sprawled out up there.

You might want to push him to one side.

- You think l'm bonking the old gent.

- Yeah, we do.

Let me tell you something, handsome.

lf l were having sex with your Uncle Joe,

he'd be dead by now.

Yeah, that's right. You're just his nurse. Huh!

Yeah, l believe that. Excuse me a second.

Ha-ha-ha!

l'm no more a nurse

than you are a human being.

l'm here because l'm fun.

And l'm fun to look at.

l don't mind, because l like it here.

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