Greg Davies: You Magnificent Beast Page #7

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I'm gonna put a better epitaph

out there.

So I started thinking of pithy things

I could sum my dad up with.

He was a very funny man,

he used to lie to us all the time

for fun, to amuse himself.

He once told us he was bitten by shark

off the coast of North Wales.

He was a very proud Welshman, my dad.

And when my sister used to get mad

and go, "Why do you lie to us?"

He'd go, "Because the truth

is so boring."

And I thought, "That's a great epitaph."

And I thought another epitaph could be

the time that I wound him up

when I was a teenager,

and he grabbed me by the throat once

and pushed me against the wall

and said, "Don't mess with me,

you f*** pig."

Which is an extraordinary epitaph.

Do you know what I've realized?

You can't write an epitaph.

Think about someone you've lost

and been close to.

It's impossible to sum a human being up

with a pithy thing.

It's not possible, because there are

a thousand different things

to a thousand different people,

just as we all are, as well.

You can't do it.

You cannot try and convince everyone

that you're all right.

With all that said...

I hope you'll indulge me,

I'm gonna leave you tonight

with a small tribute to my dad.

We once did a long trip to Wales.

And on that road trip, he said to me,

"You know nothing of Wales, do you?

You know nothing of your heritage.

of Welsh culture?"

And I don't. He's right.

I didn't then, and I don't now.

And I couldn't give a sh*t.

Sorry if you enjoyed

Who Do You Think You Are?

[laughs]

Not true, of course.

I said, "What do you want me to do?"

He said, "Learn some Welsh."

I went, "Let's go."

He said, "I'm gonna teach you a song."

I said, "Teach me a song."

He goes, "A traditional Welsh folk song."

And I tried to learn it.

In three hours, I learned two lines,

because Welsh as a language is insane.

But I learned those two lines,

and he was thrilled that I'd done it.

I could see it in his eyes,

and I've never forgotten them.

So if you'll indulge me,

I'm gonna leave you by singing

those two lines tonight. [clears throat]

Thank you.

[singing in Welsh]

Thanks.

Thanks.

It was...

It was years later, I sang that song

to my Welsh friend,

and he said, "What the f***?"

I said, "It's a Welsh folk song."

He goes, "It's not a Welsh folk song.

Do you want me to translate it?"

I went, "Go on."

[speaks Welsh]

"The monkey is in the tree playing

with its potatoes."

It doesn't even make sense.

[speaking Welsh]

"The squirrel is under the table,

ram it up my ass."

That tells you more about my dad

than a thousand epitaphs ever could.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I don't like to leave things unfinished.

So I have finished that song

since my dad's died,

using as many of the beautiful animals

in God's glorious Kingdom as I could.

I've tried to match the tone.

I've had it converted into Welsh for you.

And I think, arguably, I've gone further

than anyone would ever go,

in that I've hired a male voice choir

to sing it for me.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome

the Phoenix Choir of Wales.

A tribute to my father.

And if your father's gone,

let it be a tribute to him, too.

Please, enjoy.

The farmer's wife was very vexed

He'd been acting very odd

She asked,

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

And this was his reply

The reply

The monkey is up the tree

Playing with its potatoes

And the squirrel is under the table

Ram it up my arse

[Greg] So beautiful.

She said,

"Leave that squirrel alone

Or we're heading

For a nasty divorce"

"Pray, look upon the wren," he said

It's licking out the horse

If you feel emotional,

just let it out. It's fine.

The crow has slapped its tits

All night

The otter's balls are very long

I saw the stoat shaving its clam

Get that squirrel up my wrong

Up my hole

The cat felt up the spider

And his bellend went really stiff

Two bison 69'd

And a rhino flashed its snatch

These animals aren't even on the farm

His poor wife cried out

Don't let the zebra hear

He's gay without a doubt

Go and see a shrink

About your problems, my dear

"The squirrel is under the table,"

He cried

Now ram it up my arse

For our fathers.

For our fathers, ladies and gentlemen.

The Phoenix Choir of Wales, please.

Ladies and gentlemen,

it's amazing to be back in London.

Thank you so much for coming to see me.

I had such a great time.

Take care of yourselves. Thank you.

Now usually I don't do this

But go ahead

And break 'em off with a little preview

Of the remix

Now I'm not trying to be rude

But, hey, pretty girl, I'm feeling you

The way you do the things you do

Reminds me of my Lexus Coupe

That's why I'm all up in your grille

Trying to get you to a hotel

You must be a football coach

The way you got me playing the field

So, baby, give me that toot-toot

Let me give you that beep-beep

Running my hands through my 'fro

Bouncing on 24s

While they saying on the radio

It's the remix to "Ignition"

Hot and fresh out the kitchen

Mama rolling that body

Got every man in here wishin'

Sippin' on coke and rum

I'm like, "So what? I'm drunk

It's the freakin' weekend, baby

I'm about to have me some fun

Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce

Bounce, bounce, bounce

Bounce, bounce, bounce, come on

Now it's like Murder She Wrote

Once I get you out them clothes

Privacy is on the door

But still they can hear you

Screaming more

Girl, I'm feeling what you feeling

No more hoping and wishing

I'm about to take my key

And stick it in the ignition

So give me that toot-toot

Let me give you that beep-beep

Running her hands through my 'fro

Bouncing on 24s

While they saying on the radio

It's the remix to "Ignition"

Hot and fresh out the kitchen

Mama rolling that body

Got every man in here wishin'

Sippin' on coke and rum

I'm like, "So what? I'm drunk

It's the freakin' weekend, baby

I'm about to have me some fun

Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce

Bounce, bounce, bounce

Bounce, bounce, bounce, come on

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