Greta

(folk song playing)

I wanna die

I wanna die

Down south Louisiana

And grey evening sky.

Woman:

June 21st.

Exile to Siberia.

I mean, New Jersey.

Is there a difference?

I can't tell.

Isn't Siberia the place

they send you to die?

And from my experience

Ocean Grove isn't that much different.

I think the median age is 85

with the life expectancy of 86.

Sounds about right to me.

Thanks, Mom.

Thank you for buying me

a one-way ticket to hell.

I mean,

Grams' and Gramps' mausoleum.

Where it always smells like

desiccated socks.

Oh, I'm sure they're thrilled too.

It'll just be one great summer

of Chinese torture for all of us.

Who cares anyway?

Nobody.

Actually, maybe Ocean Grove

is the perfect place for me.

In fact, when I get off this bus

I should just walk over to the pier

and jump,

end it all.

Goodbye, world.

Goodbye, New Jersey.

The truth is, if I weren't around,

it would solve everyone's problems.

Mom could really focus

on saving marriage number nine.

And my grandmother...

well, she could spend

her whole summer

making those seashell

thingies she makes.

And Gramps could finally finish

fixing up that boat of his.

Yeah, Grams definitely wouldn't care

if I weren't around.

I swear she has some serious

anxiety issues.

Maybe I should give her

some of my pills.

That's what I should do...

make it easy on everyone.

If I weren't here,

their lives would be better.

There's only one person

who might actually care,

but Dad isn't around anymore.

(man snoring)

(coughing)

Buses suck, huh?

Great. Hello, New Jersey!

Good times, good times.

Hi, sweetie.

Greta, how nice to see you.

Gramps, Grams, hi.

You folks don't look so bad,

all things considered.

Hello to you too, Greta.

Yeah, hello hello.

We all know why I'm here.

No need to act thrilled about it.

We're glad to have you here, honey.

We really are.

Yeah, well, I didn't really plan

on spending my summer in Jersey,

in what might as well be

a nursing home.

Gramps:
Well, I guess you're glad

to be out of school for the summer, right?

If I cared one microbe

about school,

I guess yeah, it'd be some kind

of a relief.

Your mother said

you were on the honor roll all year.

That's terrific.

You should be proud of yourself.

You'll get into a good college.

I'm not going to college.

Of course you're going

to college.

The fact is that I'm gonna kill myself

before I turn 18,

so that doesn't really leave much time

for an undergraduate degree.

I assume that you understand

that a joke is supposed

to be funny.

It's not a joke.

See, I've been making this list

of all the different ways you can die...

self-immolation,

falling from a great height.

I don't know about electrocution.

I hear that your heart actually cooks

and you puke up your melted guts.

All right, Greta, just stop.

Just stop right now.

Well, at the same time,

I've been making this list

of things that I want to do

before I die.

For instance,

I want to eat a bug

just to say that I did.

I want to get in a fistfight

with a grown man.

Don't ask.

I want to learn

how to really paint,

and maybe get a tattoo.

Anyway, as soon as I choose

my method of death

then I'm gonna cross as much off

my to-do list as I can

and commit some kind of

grizzly suicide.

Voila.

You won't have Greta

to kick around anymore.

Come on, Greta.

Well, look who it is.

You certainly have grown up

to be quite the pretty young lady

under all that makeup.

Mrs. Wocheski,

same nosy old bag.

What? What's that?

I said, "Isn't this heat a drag?"

A drag?

Hey, did you hear about

that huge hunk of space junk

that landed in some

old lady's home

just about a month ago

right here in Jersey?

Jersey?

(whispering) The universe is just

loaded with things that we've left up there.

- What?

- And all of a sudden...

- Bam!

- Whaa!

Instantly vaporized.

(barking)

I don't know what to do

about you

I left your things upstairs,

honey.

I learned a lot of rules

from the Bible, baby

But I wonder wonder

what I should do

But I wonder wonder

what I should do

I don't know

why I'm staying with you

If everything they're saying

is true

I heard about you lying

to your mama, baby

And I wonder wonder

what I should do

But I wonder wonder

what I should do.

(cat mewing)

Parnelli.

Hey.

What's it like living with the mummies

of Guanajuato?

Do you ever get used

to that smell?

Hmm?

You don't care,

as long as someone feeds you

and scoops your litter.

It's a pretty good deal,

a life you want anyway.

(teapot whistling)

Katherine:
I'm trying not to be

judgmental, Joseph,

but she's a handful.

Joseph:
Oh, Katherine,

it's only three months.

September will be here

before you know it.

You don't think

she's serious, do you?

No, I think she's just

being dramatic,

trying to push our buttons.

Yeah, you know who she

reminds me of at that age?

Karen.

Ow. I'm nothing like my mother!

Nothing!

Hey, Gramps,

can I bump a $20?

Mm!

Greta, we have rules

in this house.

I assume your mother

told you about them.

Yeah.

I'm sure she did.

I'm also sure

I wasn't paying attention.

Oh, well,

then listen to me.

Now you can have

a very nice summer here,

but it won't be

without structure and supervision.

Now if you want to have

spending money,

you're going to have to

get a job.

And there will be

a 10:
00 PM curfew.

And you're not permitted

beyond the town lines,

especially not to Asbury Park.

That's no place for you.

So does all of that

sound fair to you?

Let me tell you how this works:

I go where I want

when I want with whom I want.

And I don't come home

until I want to.

Now that's how it works

at Karen's.

So if you've got a problem with it,

take it up with her.

She's the one who dumped me

on you two anyway.

Okay? Let's just do each other

a favor,

stay out of each other's way.

Summer will be over

before we know it.

Deal?

Deal.

(whistles)

Where did you get that?

Oh, yeah.

What does that thing get,

Only on a steep downgrade.

Can I borrow it?

Huh-uh. I heard about what happened

when you went to get your driver's license.

That DMV guy

was emotionally unstable, okay?

It was not my driving

that made him cry.

(Joseph guffaws)

I'm serious.

Okay, we'll see

what your mother thinks.

Like she thinks.

I swear she holds the record

for the most blah moments.

She thinks that string theory

has something to do with macrame.

This is the same woman

that gives me advice on boys.

Her husbands are in and out so fast,

I can't even keep track.

What, is this

husband number nine?

Three.

And you can't drive alone

without a license.

It's against the law.

What's the worst

that's gonna happen, Grams?

I die?

No, the worst thing

that can happen

is that you take somebody

with you when you die.

Greta:
Ocean Grove.

More like Ocean Grave.

No wonder Mom left this place

when she was 17.

It's so passe.

I'll make her pay for this torture

when I get home.

That is, if I make it home.

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