Guest House Paradiso Page #2

Aaaaaaarrrrgggh!

- Ah!|- Urgh!

Urgh! Urgh! Urgh!

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Aaaaarrrgh!

Aaaaaaaaaaarrrrgh!

ls there any danger of getting food?

- Breakfast's off.|- Off?

Yes. There is no breakfast.|You're both too fat, anyway.

Really! That's too much!|I've never...

Oh, do shut your gob, lard-arse!

This is preposterous.

You can shut yours, too.

- That's it.|- Darling, don't!

Do you want some, eh? Do you want...

- some?|- He's a black belt in karate!

More like a pink belt in hanging|about gentlemen's lavatories!

Richie...

Hello, bird!

Oh, Richie! It's Richie!

Oh, it's Richie!

Hello...other bird!

It's Richie! Richie!

Come saucy wood-nymphs, gather|from your groves - it is Richie!

Hello!

Hello! Hello! Hello!

Hello, birds!

Come, love-nymphs.|Out of respect for Richie,

let us take out our great knockers|and wobble them about.

Oh, yes, let's!

No, love-nymphs,|let us open our fairy briefcases

and shower him with unmarked tenners!

Erotically...

(All) Hurrah! Yes!|What a smashing idea!

But first, proud, firm young maidens|who are definitely on for it,

let us anoint him with pints|of super-strength illegal cider!

(All) Oh, yes! Let's!

(Giggling)

Settle, birds...

(Eddie) Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

A-ha ha ha ha ha!

(Eddie's laughter echoes)

Oh, stop it! Stop it!

(Eddie) Richie,|you've been out for eight hours!

Eight hours?|What have you been doing?

Trying to rouse you with this.

How has the hotel|functioned without me?

Easily, 'cause the guests have gone.

Gone! Did any of them pay?

Er...no.

Did they find the safe?

I'm afraid so.

Damn! So they got|all their stuff back?!

(Cash till rings)

Oh...!

What about advance bookings?

Um, not too good.

Oh, God!

Oh, come on, Richie.|It's not that bad.

Yes, it is. I've just trapped|my penis in the till drawer.

(Cash till rings)

(Foxfur) Oh, Mr Twat?

It's "Thwaite!"

I thought you said|all the guests have gone?

I thought she was dead.

Ah, Twat.|My eggs stilI haven't arrived.

Because you went through|the menopause years ago.

I beg your pardon?

I said I'm afraid breakfast is off.

Oh, have some sherry.

Oh! ls it my birthday?

- Oh...yes!|- What, again?

It's the third time this month.

Yes! Have another one.

(Whispers) Eddie, mark the bottle.

I was just wondering, Mrs Foxfur,|given your increasing infirmity,

whether you might like|to take the opportunity

to pay your bill in advance?

We don't want you getting|so crippled by arthritis

that you can't sign the cheque.

I gave you five years advance|last week.

Yeah! And the week before that.

Oh, yes.

Silly old me.

(Sighs)

Hmm...

ls that gold in those teeth?

You should get those checked.

My twin is a dentist!

Your twin? ls that the same twin|who's a gynaecologist?

Huh?

Er, no, no. He's the third twin.

Yes, that's who he is. I'll get him|to come round this afternoon.

No, I'll get him|to come round right now.

- Yes, but I... I think I...|- No trouble, Mrs Foxfur.

Come along. Up to your room.|Come on, come on!

COME ON!

Right, I'll be...|HE'LL be along in a moment.

Come on! Come on!

Get me a doctor's coat,|some pliers and a hammer.

And your glasses as a disguise.

How do I look?

I don't know, I can't see.

Edward, have you been taking drugs?

Well, never mind depravity.|Let's kick the old bint's teeth out.

(Horns honking)

You're sure this is the right place?

- lt doesn't look nice.|- There's a nuclear power station.

Times are hard and this is|the cheapest hotel in Britain.

Let's make the best of it.

Come on, we're on holiday! Hooray.

- Oh! Oh!|- Go on! Drink it, you b*tch!

Good, that should've|loosened them up.

Eddie, get the croquet mallet while|I do some preliminary bridgework.

Righty-dokey!

(Bell dings)

Quick, Eddie, put your fingerprints|all over this hammer.

Righto.

Dr Twat, is that you?

Er, yes.

Have you completed|the root canal work?

- (Bell dings)|- Er, yes.

That's looking macfine.

I'll pop back in a week and give ye a|wee check-up. Come on, let's scarper!

(Dings bell)

(Dings bell)

Good morning,|good morning, good morning!

We were beginning to think|nobody was here.

lt looked like the Marie Celeste.

(Forced laughter)

How amusing! Ha ha! Oh, ha ha ha!

(Continues to laugh)

Now, what can I do for you?

Well, we were wondering...

(Laughs again)

(Straining to laugh)

I'm sorry, I was just remembering.|I must write that one down.

"Marie...Celeste."

Ha ha ha! lmplying that we run|the kind of hotel where...

nobody wants to stay.

Right, well, we were wondering|if you had any rooms.

Yes, we'd like two rooms, adjoining.

With a sea view, please.

Gosh, you're quite forthright,|aren't you, in your demands?

My word, Eddie.|lmportant people here.

Well, first things first.|Got any valuables...

that you'd like put in the safe?

- Not really, no.|- What about that ring?

Well, I never take it off.

The watch, then? ls that expensive?

No, it's a cheap copy.

That'll do.|The pawnbroker's very short-sighted.

Eddie!

..means you don't need|a watch in paradise.

Time...stops here.

(Richie chuckles) So watch, please.

- I'd rather keep it...|- Watch! Please.

- I won't be able...|- Watch!

Come along!

Mmm. There, better safe than sorry.

Eddie, take their bags.

But...they'lI see, won't they?

No, Eddie, take their bags|to their rooms.

And you'll keep 'em talking? Gotcha!

Whoo! Look over there!

And off we go!

Off to your rooms.

Uh-uh uh-uh uh.

- I beg your pardon?|- I'll say.

Have you stayed in a hotel before?|This is the corridor.

And this is the light switch.

I've depressed the light switch,|which is on a timer,

which has been|scientifically designed

to allow you plenty of time|to insert your key in the...

Arse.

(Boy) lnsert it in your arse?

(Richie) Never mind, I'm a|resourceful chap, so I find the...

Bastard! F***ing! Where is it?!

Ah, there we are.

And in we go...

Eddie! What on earth are you doing?

Uh...I...was...|just going to unpack for them.

Don't worry,|I'd like to do that myself.

Where's the sea view?

That'll be out the window.

Well, I can't see it.

Yes, you have to lean out.|Come along.

Lean out...lean out...|LEAN out of the window!

Hold on to the scaffolding

and you can just see|the sewage pipe in Dead Man's Cove.

I've had it checked by lawyers|so don't try anything funny.

And, as a backup...

I've got a picture of some sea,|so I've got you both ways.

Could I just ask,|is breakfast thrown in?

lt depends who's serving.|I sometimes bring it on a tray.

Eddie, a word.

I've told you before,|never talk to the adult guests.

Ow!

- What?|- He poked me in the eye.

No, she walked into my finger.

Ha ha! Look, what time is it?

Oh! Uh, why don't you let Eddie|take these little...nippers

off to the playground?

Come on, you little rascals!

(Richie chuckles)

And you two pop down to the bar|for a complementary sherry.

- That sounds nice.|- It is.

And only 75 pence.

Each.

In advance.

Oh, right. Sorry.

There we are. Oh, yes...

Uh...have a...nice...day.

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