Hail, Caesar! Page #16

Baird steps back into close shot with the dipper again, now

displaying waves of puzzlement, ineffable wonder, some awe,

then back to ineffable wonder.

We hear an offscreen “Cut!” but before the flash frame Baird

relaxes, his eyeline shifting as he calls out:

BAIRD:

Wuddya think a that one, was that,

uh, enough, awe, or——

VOICE:

Yeah, good, maybe a little more

wonderment.

BAIRD:

More, you mean more——

“Hail C.sar, Twenty-Seven Baker Three.”

Baird steps back into frame in awe.

BAIRD (CONT’D)

Hold it, sorry, wait a minute,

lemme do it again.

He steps forward then immediately steps back into frame in

awe. A squinting bit of wonder.

VOICE:

Cut!

BAIRD:

Was that, uh, I don’t know. That

one didn’t really have a center.

VOICE:

Yeah, no, it was——

“Hail C.sar, Twenty-Seven Baker Four.”

92.

Baird steps back into frame his face oddly blank.

BAIRD:

Hang on.

His eyes leave the eyeline. He looks down, arranges his

features in an expression of unutterable awe, and then jerks

his look back up to the eyeline, expression locked in place.

A long hold, expression steady: unutterable awe.

Finally, hissing out of his locked jaw as he maintains the

look:

BAIRD (CONT’D)

Howziss. Wuddya hink.

VOICE:

Yeah, okay, cut.

Eddie, watching. His eyes stay on the screen throughout:

EDDIE:

Go ahead, I’m listening.

From screen:
“Hail C.sar, Twenty-Seven Baker Five.”

NATALIE:

Walt talked to the extra, right

guy, no info——doesn’t know where

they took Baird, but described the

truck they put him in.

BAIRD:

(from screen)

Was that, uh, was that——should I

get to the wonderment faster?

NATALIE:

Walt found the truck and found the

guy who borrowed it from the guy

who owns it and is talking to him.

From screen:
“Hail C.sar, Twenty-Seven Baker Six.”

Eddie nods, still looking at the screen.

EDDIE:

Walt’s a problem-solver, he’s a

good man. What else?

93.

BAIRD:

(from screen)

Todd, you can——you just look like

an imbecile mushed up against the

camera, can you——Sam, Todd can step

out, I’ll just take an eyeline at

the corner of the matte box. I'll

hand the dipper back to, uh, to,

uh, camera guy.

From screen:
“Hail C.sar, Twenty-Seven Baker Seven.”

NATALIE:

PR just called in their report on

Hobie Doyle premier: warm

reception.

BAIRD:

(from screen)

Was that——I’m sorry, did you see

that, I felt like I had some

spittle. Maybe Todd should step

back in.

EDDIE:

Good. Okay.

(starts to rise, eyes

still on the screen)

Not bad, have ‘em use six. Is this

six?

INT. BROWN DERBY - NIGHT

An orchestra plays “Every Now and Then.”

Carlotta laughs, across a table from:

Hobie, hunched forward, very intent on what he is doing, his

body jiggling.

Wider:
he has a strand of spaghetti and is doing rope tricks

with it.

HOBIE:

Watchis now... Gittin’ away...

He ropes a salt cellar.

HOBIE (CONT’D)

Oh looka there now!

His other hand, on the tablecloth, is starting to walk away

on two fingers, affecting nonchalance.

94.

Thinking itself safely out of range, the walking hand starts

to walk faster.

HOBIE (CONT’D)

... Oh, she’s a gittin’ away too!

He ropes the walking fingers, tripping his hand.

Carlotta, unable to talk from laughter, points at Hobie.

Hobie ropes the pointing finger, draws her hand toward him.

She slaps at his hand with her free hand. He drops the

spaghetti to slap her hand in return then plucks the whipping

spaghetti-end out of the air in rhythm.

HOBIE (CONT’D)

This’s why I never order it with

meat sauce.

CARLOTTA:

How’d you get into pictures, Hobie?

HOBIE:

Got roped into it! Aw, I’m just

kiddin ya, I wrangled fer a while

and then they saw I could say a

line’r two’n I was Bad Clem or

Deppity Number Two or the guy’s

buddy fer a coupla years’n then

some’n heard me sing’n they made me

the guy.

CARLOTTA:

You’re awfully cute.

HOBIE:

Aw heck, you ain’t seen the half of

it, I’ll show ya cute, just second

here——little souvenir from when I

was rodeoin’...

He has lowered his head to his hand and he fiddles briefly at

his mouth. He raises his head again, beaming at Carlotta.

He has no teeth. His gums, upper and lower, are hideously

bare.

Carlotta is aghast——and then amused, more than ever. Hobie

chuckles as she laughs:

95.

HOBIE (CONT’D)

Tell ya what, I wuzh shteerbrushtin

an I went down and the

shteer went up’n m’teeth headed off

fer easht Texash——Aww here, it’s

comin’ round again!

He hastily tucks his teeth back in and croons along with the

orchestra which is just now arriving at the chorus:

Every now and then...

Carlotta comes in on top:

CARLOTTA:

Every now and then...

The two sing together but Hobie suddenly freezes, seeing

something.

Long-lens point of view: a bulging attach. case bound around

the middle by a shiny black belt. It rests beside a semicircular

booth, half the throw of the restaurant away.

Whoever has the case is hidden by his high-backed booth. His

back is to us:
the side of one leg juts out as does one

elbow, active as he eats.

VOICE:

Well now, this is interesting.

Hobie’s look turns up: Thessaly Thacker stands at his booth.

THESSALY THACKER

I didn’t know you two were friends.

Hobie is distracted, his look shifting between her and the

hidden man.

HOBIE:

Aw heck yeah, we——we just caught my

picture, “Lazy Ol' Moon,” ‘n I

guess we’re——

CARLOTTA:

Yes, we’re friends, we’re——

HOBIE:

Well we’re fixin’ t’be friendly,

tell you that.

96.

THESSALY THACKER

That’s good:
“Fixin’ To Be

Friendly” can be my column

headline.

Finger-quotes and an exaggerated impression of Hobie’s accent

set off the reference. Hobie, unoffended, nods.

HOBIE:

Well I guess at’d be okay.

THESSALY THACKER

Have a good evening.

As she moves off Hobie and Carlotta exchange a look: how did

we do? But Hobie’s look keeps returning to the mystery diner.

HOBIE:

I mentioned the name of m’picture,

I think we’re s’posed to do that.

His long-lens point of view: Thessaly Thacker has stopped to

talk to the hidden man with the attach. case. Brief

conversation. Thessaly tips her head back laughing at some

pleasantry. Her cackle carries across the room.

VOICE:

Well now, this is interesting.

Hobie’s look turns up: it is——impossibly——Thessaly Thacker

again. Or, no it isn’t, it’s Thora.

THORA THACKER:

I thought I was getting an

exclusive on this.

HOBIE:

What’s that now, ma’am?

She is looking off at her cackling sister.

THORA THACKER:

I’d like to know what the hell is

going on here.

HOBIE:

We, uhh... like I said, we just saw

“Lazy Ol' Moon”——

CARLOTTA:

And Hobie and I are fixin t’be

friendly!

97.

Thora’s baleful look swings onto her. It holds for a long

moment. Then a squint:

THORA THACKER:

What?

HOBIE:

We’re just, uh...

His eyes widen:
the mystery man is getting up. The man stands

briefly outside the booth but is turned mostly away from us,

patting at his mouth with a napkin. He angles more toward us.

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