Hail, Caesar! Page #2

AUTOLOCHUS:

Tonight I bathe in Caracalla, and

wash away the dust of three hundred

miles of Frankish road! To Rome! To

Rome!

As he whips the chariot horses into motion we pan off to

reveal the hilltop view of Rome before which the weary

tribunes had halted.

7.

VOICE-OVER

Yes, to Rome! Glorious center of

C.sar’s rule!

EXT. PALESTINE - NIGHT

A rutted rural road. A man in sandals and simple peasant garb

and using a gnarled walking staff walks through rain, thunder

and lightning.

VOICE-OVER

But far away, in Palestine...

INT. SCREENING ROOM - DAY

We are panning off the image to reveal that we have been

looking at a screen in a small screening room.

VOICE-OVER

... another man is coming home.

Saul, humble merchant of Tarsus, is

about to be struck down by a

vision.

The continued pan brings us onto the screening room’s one

occupant, Eddie Mannix. After a quick furtive look

around——meaningless since he is alone——he takes a cigarette

from the ashtray next to him and sneaks a puff.

SAUL (off)

(quavering)

What thing is this?

EXT. CAPITOL BACKLOT - DAY

Eddie Mannix strides across the great studio backlot where

technicians mill and actors dressed in the wardrobe of

different ages and genres lounge. His secretary Natalie

follows at his elbow, struggling to keep up as she consults a

notepad:

NATALIE:

——and Gloria DeLamour has been

checked into Our Lady of Perpetual

Rest to dry out. You have a 10:00

A.M. with Monsignor O’Reilly at the

Wallace Beery Conference Room. He’s

bringing Lester Silkwood from the

Legion of Catholic Decency and

we’ve also invited Patriarch

Vlassos for the Eastern view.

8.

EDDIE:

They’ve read the script?

NATALIE:

Roger.

EDDIE:

Let’s also invite a rabbi, and a

Protestant padre of some sort so we

can get everybody’s two cents.

NATALIE:

Check.

EDDIE:

How’s production on “Tucumcari!”?

NATALIE:

Principal is on schedule but second

unit has been idle in Gallup, New

Mexico for four days. Heavy rain.

EDDIE:

Forecast?

NATALIE:

Not good.

EDDIE:

Hnn. Send an insert truck and have

‘em shoot driving plates for “Came

the Rain.”

NATALIE:

Check.

EDDIE:

“Jonah's Daughter” still behind?

NATALIE:

Yes, director says the problem is

DeeAnna and she’s getting worse.

EDDIE:

I know what it is, I’ll drop in on

her after my ten o’clock.

(pulls back his sleeve to

look at his watch)

All right, let’s call New York.

INT. EDDIE’S OFFICE - DAY

Eddie is on the phone.

9.

VOICE:

Nick Schenk’s office.

EDDIE:

Hi, Dorothy, Eddie Mannix. The old

man in?

VOICE:

Hi, Mr. Mannix, I’ll check.

Eddie raises his voice:

EDDIE:

Natalie, I want the box office on

“The Debonaires” and on “Blessed

Event.” Can you also——

Hastily into the phone:

EDDIE (CONT’D)

——Yes, good morning Mr. Schenk...

Very well, thank you. Proceeding...

Proceeding... “Merrily We Dance”

starts shooting today. Beardley

Auberon gave us a draft that’s

extremely classy. Joan Van Vechten

is playing Dierdre, but we need a

male lead and we need him now...

No, Jack Hogarth is drying out at

Cedars... Metro won’t lend us Gable

unless we give them the Comiskey

Twins... Of course not, I agree...

Swell idea but he’s waiting out a

divorce in Reno... Whuh——Hobie

Doyle?! Do you really think so?

After all he’s——he’s a dust actor!

The man barely knows how to...

talk!... Yes, of course, Mr.

Schenk, I agree, but I don’t know

if Hobie Doyle, if he has the uh

the uh the uh poise in a dinner

jacket... Yes, we do need someone

pronto... No I don’t. That’s very

true. Let me talk to Laurence

Laurentz, the director. It could

work. Hobie is a very promising

idea.

EXT. WESTERN LANDSCAPE

A BOULDER:

It is a great big boulder.

10.

A beard-stubbled cowboy rises from behind its cover to fire

his six-shooter. He himself is immediately shot: he grimaces

and releases his gun which swivels around his trigger-finger,

as he staggers——and drops.

He who just shot him: Hobie Doyle, in white Western wear.

Eyes narrowed, he gauges the effect of his shot, then reacts

to the sound of retreating hoofbeats.

The other bad men are racing off, firing wildly back in his

direction.

Hobie adroitly twirls and holsters his gun.

HOBIE:

Whitey!

The white horse placidly cropping the grass several yards

away flicks its ears and looks over. It nickers and shuffles

to face away from Hobie as he runs to it. He vaults its rump

and man and animal are off.

Hobie riding. A mounted bad man falls in behind him——a

bushwack. This pursuer begins to fire.

Hobie rocks forward on Whitey, low to his neck. He reaches

down to grab the saddle, one hand on either side. He pushes

himself up into a handstand atop the racing horse.

An oncoming tree limb hooks his knees and he swings up and

around as his horse races on unridered. When he loops back

around the tree limb his six-shooter is at the ready and he

fires on the swing at the oncoming horseman. The bad man

clutches his chest and falls from his horse as Hobie swings

up again.

Hobie uses his upward inertia to gracefully execute a trapeze-

artist dismount from the branch. His drop toward the ground

is neatly intercepted by the bad man’s galloping horse, Hobie

plops into its saddle. He reins in the snorting beast and as

it rears he fires his six-shooter into the air in an

expression of pure brio. He then twirls and holsters his gun,

calms the horse with a pat on the neck, and leaps aground. He

claps dust from his yoked white shirt.

MEGAPHONE VOICE:

And cut.

A man in sunglasses rises from a canvas chair next to a

camera attended by men in creased hoist-up pants and white

shirts and ties.

DIRECTOR:

Great, Hobie.

11.

HOBIE:

I kin do the handstand smoother if

ya gimme another shot atter.

DIRECTOR:

We’ve got four good ones Hobie, and

Whitey is tired.

An assistant trots up to Hobie with a small tin. Hobie takes

it and loads a chew into one cheek.

HOBIE:

Okay, you’re the bossman. If that’s

lunch ammo grab me a plate a beans.

ASSISTANT:

Hobie, the studio wants you to

escort Carlotta Valdez to your

premier tonight.

HOBIE:

But she warn’t in the pitcher.

ASSISTANT:

Well that’s what they want.

HOBIE:

But she warn’t in the pitcher.

ASSISTANT:

Well, it’s some publicity thing.

HOBIE:

Ah don’t git it.

ASSISTANT:

Well, the studio says you’re

bringing Carlotta Valdez. You’re

her escort.

HOBIE:

But she’s Carlotta Valdez. Hit

don’t make sense. She warn’t in the

pitcher.

ASSISTANT:

Who was in the picture?

Hobie thinks.

HOBIE:

Whitey.

12.

ASSISTANT:

Well Eddie Mannix says you're

escorting Carlotta Valdez. Guess

they’re changing your image.

INT. COURTYARD OF SESTIMUS AMYDIAS - DAY

ROMANS:

They sit in the courtyard of a Roman villa——several togaed

senators and their robed wives——on chairs carved of cedar and

draped with fine silks.

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