Hail, Caesar! Page #4

top-notch artistic people are

working hard to bring to the screen

the story of the Christ. It’s a

swell story——a story told before,

yes, but we like to flatter

ourselves that it’s never been told

with this kind of distinction and

panache.

EASTERN ORTHODOX PATRIARCH

Perhaps, sir, you forget its

telling in the holy Bible.

A wry smile from Eddie Mannix.

EDDIE:

Quite right, Padre. The Bible of

course is terrific.

(MORE)

18.

EDDIE (CONT'D)

But for millions of people,

pictures will be their reference

point for the story——the story’s

embodiment...

(groping)

the story’s...

MINISTER:

Realization.

Eddie points an aiming finger at the Minister, saluting his

choice of words.

EDDIE:

Realization.

RABBI:

You “realize,” of course, that for

we Jews, any visual depiction of

the Godhead is most strictly

prohibited.

EDDIE:

(dismayed)

Oh.

RABBI:

But of course, for us, the man

Jesus Nazarene is not God.

EDDIE:

(brightening)

Ah-ha.

MINISTER:

Who plays Christ?

EDDIE:

A kid we’re all very excited about,

Todd Hocheiser, wonderful young

actor we found in Akron, Ohio, in a

nationwide talent hunt. But

Hocheiser is seen only fleetingly,

and with extreme taste; our story

is told through the eyes of a Roman

tribune, Autolochus Antoninus, an

ordinary man skeptical at first but

who comes to a grudging respect for

this swell figure from the East.

And Autolochus is played by...

He permits himself a satisfied smile.

... Baird Whitlock.

19.

Murmurs of appreciation from the assembled and one low

“that’s-something” whistle.

RABBI:

Well, he is certainly a great

talent.

EDDIE:

Now Hail, C.sar! is a prestige

picture, our biggest release of the

year, and we are devoting huge

resources to its production in

order to make it first-class in

every respect. Gentlemen, given its

enormous expense, we don’t want to

send it to market except in the

certainty that it will not offend

any reasonable American, regardless

of faith or creed. Now that’s where

you come in. You’ve read the

script; I wanna know if the

theological elements of the story

are up to snuff.

PATRIARCH:

I thought the chariot scene was

fakey. How is he going to jump from

one chariot to the other, going

full speed?

A frozen beat as Eddie frames an answer.

EDDIE:

Uh-huh, well, we can look at that.

But as for the, uh, religious

aspect——does the depiction of

Christ Jesus cut the mustard?

PRIEST:

The nature of the Christ is not

quite as simple as your photoplay

would have it.

EDDIE:

How so, Father?

FATHER:

Well, it is not the case simply

that Christ is God, or God Christ.

RABBI:

You can say that again! The

Nazarene was not God!

20.

PATRIARCH:

He was not not-God.

RABBI:

He was a man!

MINISTER:

Part God.

RABBI:

Nossir!

EDDIE:

But Rabbi, we all have a little bit

of God in us don’t we?

RABBI:

Well...

PRIEST:

It is the foundation of our belief

that God is tri-partite.

EDDIE:

Father, Son, Holy Ghost.

PRIEST:

And Christ is most properly

referred to as the Son of God. It

is the son of God who takes the

sins of the world upon himself so

that the rest of God’s children, we

imperfect beings, through faith,

may enter the kingdom of heaven.

EDDIE:

So God is... split?

PRIEST:

Yes.

Eddie nods.

... And no!

Eddie frowns.

PATRIARCH:

There is unity in division.

MINISTER:

And division in unity.

EDDIE:

Not sure I follow, Padre.

21.

RABBI:

Young man, you don’t follow for a

very simple reason: these man are

screwballs.

(to the others)

God has children? What, and a dog?

A collie maybe? God doesn’t have

children. He’s a bachelor. And very

angry.

PRIEST:

He used to be angry!

RABBI:

What, he got over it?

MINISTER:

You worship the god of another age!

PRIEST:

Who has no love!

RABBI:

Not true! He likes Jews.

MINISTER:

God loves everyone!

PRIEST:

God is love.

PATRIARCH:

God is who is.

RABBI:

This is special? Who isn’t who is?

PRIEST:

But how should God be rendered in a

motion picture?

RABBI:

God is not in the motion picture!

MINISTER:

Then who is Todd Hocheiser?

EDDIE:

Gentlemen, maybe we’re biting off

more than we can chew.

(MORE)

22.

EDDIE (CONT'D)

We don’t need to agree on the

nature of the deity: if we can

focus on the Christ, whatever his,

uh, parentage. My question is: is

our depiction fair?

PATRIARCH:

I’ve seen worse.

EDDIE:

So I can put you in the plus

column, Patriarch?

The Patriarch gives a musing nod. Eddie turns to the

minister.

... Reverend?

MINISTER:

There is nothing to offend a

reasonable man.

EDDIE:

Father?

PRIEST:

The motion picture teleplay was

respectful and exhibited

tastefulness and class.

RABBI:

Who made you an expert all of a

sudden?

Eddie turns to the Rabbi.

EDDIE:

... And what do you think, Rabbi?

The rabbi shrugs and affects mildness.

RABBI:

Eh. I haven’t an opinion.

EXT. CONFERENCE ROOM DOOR - DAY

Eddie Mannix emerges, dabbing at sweat.

NATALIE:

How’d we do?

23.

EDDIE:

Mm. What’s up?

NATALIE:

Can’t find Baird Whitlock. He left

the set over an hour ago, said he

was going to his dressing room but

he isn’t there.

EDDIE:

Out on a bender? Am I crazy, middle

of the day?

NATALIE:

You’re not crazy, but no. I checked

the Til Two, Dan Tana’s, Rusty

Scupper. No soap.

EDDIE:

Home, maybe? Called his wife?

NATALIE:

Yep.

EDDIE:

What’d Laura say?

NATALIE:

He’s not home, he’s never home,

he’s a louse, try one of his

chippies.

EDDIE:

Called that script girl, what’s her

name——Francie?

NATALIE:

Check.

EDDIE:

Any of the gals missing from the

set?

NATALIE:

Nope.

EDDIE:

Well...

(looks at his watch)

Gone an hour? We won’t worry yet.

24.

INT. LINEN TRUCK - DAY

BLACK:

Baird Whitlock’s head lolls in the foreground, waggling with

the motion of the vehicle. His body——he is still in wardrobe,

leather skirt and a breastplate over his white

tunic——stretches away into the background: he is laid out,

unconscious, on a paddy-wagon style bench. At the end of the

bench in the background we see, cropped and soft, a goon in a

double-breasted suit, his forearms on his knees, smoking.

EXT. HOLLYWOOD BLVD - DAY

THE STREET:

Hollywood Boulevard. The truck roars by. Its paneled side

says “Al’s Linens.”

EXT. STUDIO GATE - DAY

Hobie Doyle is pulling up in a chauffeured car. The guard

looks in the back window and is surprised to see the Western

star.

GUARD:

How ya doing, Hobie.

HOBIE:

Lo there, Scotty.

GUARD:

They got you shooting on the lot?

HOBIE:

Wul, Mr. Mannix pulled me off the

Western, says I’m doin’ a movie on

a soundstage. They built a drawing

room.

GUARD:

Ya don’t say.

INT. STAGE / TANK - DAY

UNDER WATER:

A bathing beauty in a sequined mermaid suit swims free-armed

but wriggle-tailed, constrained by her fake nether-parts.

From our underwater perspective we hear burbling music.

25.

After a beat of her swimming solo many bodies shoot down into

the water to join the mermaid, entering foreground and

background in headfirst dives that leave bubble-trails. The

beauties swim loops and then wave themselves back up toward

the surface, smiling.

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