Half Baked

- Wait, one

Wait, two

Three

Hey. What's up, everybody ?

l'm Thurgood Jenkins.

You know, it's funny,

but l can trace the entire path

of my life to one childhood memory.

My last clear memory, really.

You see, it was the summer

before ninth grade.

lt was me, Brian, Kenny,

Scarface...

and of course

the loveable Old James.

Oh, hold on. Wait a minute.

Old James-- Old James wasn't there.

l don't even know nobody named

Old James. Shoot. Go on !

- Why don't you

light it up there, brother ?

- All right. Here goes nothin'.

l don't remember graduatin'.

And my first sexual experience--

l don't remember that either.

- But, man, l will never forget

the first time l smoked...

that sweet, sweet chiva.

- Feel anything ?

- Yeah, l feel my chest cavin' in.

- This stuff

didn't even work.

- Man !

Come on. Let's get some candy

and get out of here, B.

l've heard people say

they don't get high

the first time they smoke.

Not me. Oh, not us.

We were really, really high.

We was toe up !

- Do you guys feel different ?

- A little.

How 'bout you, Scarface ?

How you doin', Kenny ? Kenny ?

l haven't been so thirsty

in my entire life.

Do you guys hear that ?

Feels like Jerry Garcia's in my head.

Am l goin' crazy ?

We look at that

day as the day we met the fifth

member of our crew-- marijuana !

- Oh, Lord, we was hooked !

So, now we all live together

in New York.

l myself am a master

of the custodial arts,

or a janitor if you want

to be a dick about it.

Anyway, l work at this lab,

Frankensense and Burr Pharmaceutical.

- They do pharmaceutical testing

for the government...

and big corporations and--

And l am

the happiest custodian alive.

This job... sucks.

Abba-Zabba,

you my only friend.

Ah, it could be worse.

l could have Scarface's job.

- Heifer with cheese.

- You son of a b*tch,

l'm right behind you !

Turn around and ask me

for Heifer with cheese, yo !

Why you gotta make me feel inferior

'cause l'm on the grill, B ? Damn !

- Scarface is kind

of a hyper guy for a pothead.

- Sorry.

Kenny is probably doin'

the best out of all of us.

He's a kindergarten teacher

at some school downtown,

which l know might scare a lot

of parents, seeing as how he's

a weedhead and all.

But let me tell you, man,

that guy does wonders for those

children's self-esteem.

- Thank you.

- Oh, l love you so much, little one.

-

- All of you. All of you. lt's so good.

- Brian works

at a new and used record store.

- Hi.

- He gets to talk about music all day.

- l got a used Kenny Loggins album.

Perfect job for a stoner.

Lady, you want seven bucks

for a used Kenny Loggins record ?

- l'll give you five.

- Uh-uh. He autographed it himself.

All right,

l'll give you four.

Jan, stop it, man.

-

- As far as herb goes, you can

get it all over this town.

l mean, they might call it the city that

never sleeps, but l'll tell you this:

- lt takes a lot of f***in' weed naps.

- Free !

You can get the stuff at little

corner stores called bodegas.

Say it with me:

Yes, very good.

- These places always have

incredibly old products.

- Como esta, fellas ?

- Hey-Hey.

- But the weed ain't bad.

- Let me get four dime bags.

- Uh, l don't have no idea

what you're talking about.

Jose, you crazy, man. He's crazy.

Come on, man. Let me get them dimes.

See, the problem with bodegas

is they never remember you.

-

- You always have to do something

extreme to let 'em know you're cool.

Hey, fellas. Y'all know me.

Come on, now. Look at this.

Hey, black ass. Why you

didn't moon us earlier, eh ?

lt was a little degrading.

lf you desperate, you can get it from

the Rastas at Washington Square Park,

but their stuff ain't even weed

most the time.

l don't fall

for that sh*t anymore.

Then there's a delivery service run

by a guy named Samson Simpson.

Now, when you can afford it,

this is the best way.

l mean, you can get anything

you want, from weed to heroin.

Now, l don't do drugs, though.

Just weed.

-

- Coming.

See, all you have to do is call

them up, and a half hour later,

you got a delivery guy

at your house.

-

- What a country !

Hi, you called about your plumbing ?

Empty pipes ?

- Secret code.

- Come on in.

- You want highs, mediums or lows ?

- How are the highs, man ?

l say they got a piney taste, almost

minty. Notice the little red hairs.

- Yeah.

- And the rich greenery ?

- l see those.

- And it's definitely the highest

grade hydroponics in the city.

What, did you go

to weed college ? Damn, n*gger.

All right.

Give me a 50 bag of that.

- Been a pleasure.

- Pleasure's all mine.

- Tell Samson l said hello, would ya ?

- Sure thing.

Now, everybody has

their own little ritual

when it comes to smokin'.

- Dope has arrived, fellas.

- And we were no different.

- Break out Billy Bong Thornton.

- Yeah.

Whoo !

Billy, good to see you, man.

All right.

Light it up.

Shoes off.

Oh, Brian,

put yours back on, man.

For real, amigo.

Do your sock laundry, yo.

-

-

Gentlemen,

assume your positions.

-

- Yeah.

Fire in the hole.

We found it on the corner

So when we say

- Bip

- Oxygen

- Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm--

- Oh, bip

Th-That's good

- Yo, who's on munchies tonight, yo ?

- Not me.

l guess that'd be me.

What do you guys want ?

Get some...

sour cream and onion chips...

with some dip, man.

Some beef jerky.

Some peanut butter.

Get some Haagen Dazs

ice cream bars. A whole lot.

Make sure chocolate.

Gotta have chocolate, man.

Some popcorn. Bread. Popcorn.

Graham crackers.

Graham crackers with the marshmallows,

the little marshmallows.

And little chocolate bars.

We'll make some smores, man.

Yeah, that's what

l was sayin', yo.

Also celery, grape jelly, Captain Crunch

with the little crunch berries.

Pizzas.

We need two big pizzas, man.

Everything on 'em.

With water, whole lot of water.

And... Funyuns.

Yeah.

- That's it ?

- Yeah.

- Anything else ?

- Oh, yeah.

Get me a box of condoms,

and, um, what's that stuff ?

We used to eat it all the time

back in the day.

- P*ssy. That's right.

- You got it.

- Thanks, man.

- Hey, hey !

lf l'm not back in ten minutes,

call the police.

lf he ain't back

in ten minutes,

we callin' Domino's.

- l'm hungry, man.

- All right, yo.

-

- Hey, girl.

- You hungry ?

- F*** you, n*gger !

-

- Hey, l'm sorry.

l was talkin' to the horse.

See the trouble

you're gettin' me into ?

You're hungry,

aren't ya ? Here.

You like popcorn.

lt makes your teeth go

pop, pop, pop.

This is Buster Phillips, and coming

in at number eight, like El Nino,

''Samson Gets Me Lifted,'' by my

main man-- Who ? Sir Smoka Lot.

Ha !

This guy is weed crazy.

Look at that.

- What do you want, Master ?

- B*tch, you know what l want.

l wanna talk to Samson

Fly me to the moon like

that b*tch Alice Kramden

'Cause it's hard bein'

black and gifted

Sometimes l wanna throw it

all down and get lifted

-

- That is so cool, man.

- He got the same dealer as us.

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