Half Baked Page #2

- What you mean ?

- Samson.

- Oh, right.

Everybody knows in my neighborhood

it's the bestest around

Samson's sh*t is blessed

Got the whole town on lockdown

That's where

l want to live. Right there.

Think about this sh*t

please

- l'm all out.

-

l'm all out of food.

You ate it all.

Gee, you must've been

so hungry.

-

- Uh-oh.

Buttercup ! Buttercup !

l need

an ambulance, now ! Officer down.

l repeat:

Officer down !

What the hell

did you give my Buttercup ?

l just gave him some candy

and some chips...

and some pink popcorn

and some Funyuns--

This horse is a diabetic !

Buttercup. Buttercup.

Don't you leave me.

Breathe, Buttercup.

- Breathe.

- Breathe. Breathe.

Why ?

- Why ?

- Why ?

- You're under arrest.

- What ?

- You dumb son of a b*tch !

- No !

l'm a-- l'm a peaceful man.

- l'm a schoolteacher !

- Shut up ! You're a cop killer.

Cop killer ?

l love horses.

- l love horses.

- l love horses.

- l love buttered stuff.

- Buttercup.

- Say it.

- Butter nuts.

- Cup. Cup.

- Cup. Cup.

Why must you rage ?

Stop the hate, child.

Bail is set at one million

dollars for the crime of killing

an officer of the law.

And may God have mercy

on your soul, young man.

- Court is adjourned.

-

Back to your cells. Lockdown.

Good night, Fish.

Fish ! Fish ! Fish ! Fish ! Fish !

- My weed's wearing off.

-

- Guess who ?

- Yo. Psst. Thurgood.

-

-

- Hey, n*gger, what time is it ?

- lt's 8:
30.

Kenny didn't come home last night.

We are worried, man.

- Word, yo.

- Where the hell is he ?

Did he just move ?

Kenny called. He's in jail.

He didn't leave

a number.

Sincerely,

The Guy on the couch.

Come on, guys. We gotta get Kenny

out of jail, man.

Hey, Kenny. How they

treatin' you in there ?

Let's just say l'm not gettin'

the respect a cop killer deserves.

All right, time's up.

l was up all night

getting harassed.

- Hi, there, Fish.

- See what l mean ?

l think they're mistakin'

my kindness for weakness. l'm scared.

Hey, Kenny, we're gonna get you

out of there, man.

All we gotta do is raise ten percent

of one million, yo.

- Which, by our calculations--

- ls f***ing impossible, man !

Hey !

Sorry, man. l'm sorry.

All my life,

l did everything right.

l never screwed up.

l fed the horse.

l didn't know it was a diabetic.

l'm scared.

Kenny, stop crying.

Stop crying, Kenny. Look at me.

Come on. Don't let them

see you cry in there.

- Come on, man. Show me your mean face.

- No.

Yes, show me

your mean face, Kenny.

-

- That's good.

l mean, work on it a little bit,

but it's good.

-

- Kenny, how long

can you make it in there ?

l don't know.

Maybe 5:
00... 6:30.

Come on, man. lt's gotta be

a little longer than that.

But-But-- But we'll get you out,

right, guys ?

- Yeah, you're out. You're out of here.

- Free as a bird.

Number nine, time's up !

- Time's up, number nine.

- That's me.

Let's go.

l love you guys.

Have fun, Ken.

Weed out there, yo.

He looked all right, man.

They gonna kill

him in there, yo.

Hey, lady.

Miss, is this your purse ?

- Yes.

- l'm sexy.

l'm a scholar.

- People like me.

- Give it to me.

- Bye.

- Hey, where you goin' ?

- l'm leaving.

- Well, uh, can l leave with ya ?

Follow me.

And your name is ?

- Mary Jane.

- Really ?

Yes. So what's up

with this ?

- ls that your work uniform ?

- Nah, this is my costume.

Tomorrow l'll be a cowboy,

the day after that an lndian.

Every day of the week, l dress up

like a different Village Person.

lt's a thing l'm into.

Nah, l'm a custodian.

So, what are you here for ?

- Possession of narcotics.

- Wow.

- My father's a drug dealer.

- Wow, that must've been the sh*t.

- lt ruined his life.

- That must've been shitty.

l don't do drugs.

Drugs make me sick.

They're bad for your body.

Up with hope, down with dope.

Thurgood. Come on, man.

We gotta go.

Get on the train.

Toke up before we go to work.

-

- Yo, let's go, B.

- What are you doing, man ?

- Bouncy. Body.

ls that Prell ?

Do you use Prell ?

Yeah. That's what

l'm talkin' about.

Hey, guys. Meet Mary Jane.

That's what he's sayin'.

We wanna burn one.

No, no.

This is Mary Jane.

Meet her. Say hello to her.

Shake her hand even.

- Oh, my fault. What's up ?

- Hi.

- All right.

- Hey.

Listen, do you guys need a ride ?

l have a car.

- You don't have to take the subway.

- Wow, you smoke ?

- No, my grandmother died

of lung cancer.

- l'm sorry to hear that.

Well, that's all the more

reason to toke up, man. Ease the pain.

Ah ! What l'm talkin' about.

You know, l think what they're tryin'

to say is we'd love a ride home.

Great.

- What the hell's wrong with y'all ?

- She looked good.

- Mary Jane ! What is that about, man ?

- l hate y'all.

Shotgun !

- Hey, thanks for this ride.

We really appreciate it.

- Sure.

Guys, shut up about the weed

for two seconds. l don't want

this girl to know l smoke.

Yeah, it's bad enough

you're a janitor, yo.

Custodian, dick.

- Hey !

- Hey.

lt's really real

lt's really real

Said they're lookin'

for brains, guts, looks and skills

- Step on up if you think

you fit the bill

- Yeah

l know what you look like

but looks can be deceivin'

Let me check the brain

so l can justify the reason

- Yeah

- Mister

-

- This good for ya ?

Could you drop me

in the lobby ? lt's perfect.

l could feel

she wanted me to say something.

l had to make my move

while the guys were asleep.

l'm real bad at this, but you think

sometime we could get together,

maybe go out for some ice cream

or something ?

- Motherf***er said, ''ice cream'' !

-

- Damn.

- Okay !

- All the boys in the car

need to get out.

- Such a dork, man.

- l'm talkin' to you.

- Thanks a lot, fellas.

- Thanks for the ride.

- Thurgood !

- l knew it !

- You forgot your hat.

l knew it.

You know, l might've came on too strong

with the whole ice cream thing.

Let me just give you my number.

ls that cool ?

- Okay.

- All right.

Now, don't call too late, 'cause you

know l be strippin' in the evenings.

Joking !

Here you go.

You can call me anytime you want.

- Maybe.

- ''Maybe'' is an acceptable answer.

lt's that ''no'' thing that gets me.

Maybe l'll hear from you.

- Bye.

- Be thinkin' about you.

Dr. Kablecki,

please report to Clinical Studies.

Dr. Kablecki.

Janitor ? Janitor ?

Aaah !

Sorry about that.

What is it, scientist ?

Could you, uh-- l know this

isn't your responsibility,

but would you be a dear and run

this down to the supply department ?

- lt's on the second floor.

- Just run this down ?

Yes. But make sure you bring

the order right back to me.

l need it A.S.A.P.

Got ya. l know this

isn't your responsibility,

but mop the rest of this sh*t up.

l'll be right back.

What it smell like ? Smell like--

No.

No. l smell weed, man.

Hey. Here you go.

- This all you need ?

- l guess. l don't know.

- Just a sec.

- Okay.

Damn.

Either someone's having a party, or

somebody gotta do their shirt laundry.

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