Hansel vs. Gretel

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1

Damn it!

Hello?

Hey.

Gretel?

Still open?

Gretel, it's Mason.

You here?

You, uh, wouldn't happen to have

any of those meat pies

left, would you?

I'm just going to leave this

money right here on the counter.

Okay?

Oh crap.

Gretel?

Ahh. Crap!

Hey, p*ssy.

Whoa!

Ahh!

Gotcha.

You remember me, right?

Poughkeepsie. Dayton. Stamford.

You got to remember Stamford.

You got me with the gas trap.

Spent two weeks in the ICU.

That sh*t hurt.

But not this time.

Do you smoke?

I say we f***ing find out.

You're good.

You're really good.

No flinching. I like that.

Please. Why are you doing this?

You know why.

I want the little girls.

What little girls?

What kind of pervert are you?

I don't know what

the hell you are talking about.

Please, let me go.

Hmmm... no.

See, I'm not buying it.

See, I've been doing

this for a while now

and I've developed a sixth sense

for these kind of things.

And you and me? We

get to tussle I think.

Listen, I don't know who you

think I am or what

I've done but you're wrong.

Please, if you let me go now

I don't say anything to anybody.

I promise.

I'll keep it between you and me.

We can play these games all you

want but I do not

have all day and

I think you know exactly

what that means.

You really don't

want to do this.

I really do.

- Oh God.

- You're so stupid.

How's that?

Who's stupid now?

Hello?

It's okay, little ladies.

I'm coming down. I'm Hansel.

I'm one of the good guys.

Oh sh*t.

Gretel.

Come on.

Come on.

Uh, hey. There's a line.

My sister owns the place. Relax.

Hansel?

The one and only.

Oh my God!

It's been a year.

What are you doing here?

Where have you been?

Why didn't you call?

I did.

Oh, I'm sorry. The bakery's just been so

busy and I didn't know how to reach you.

Look, we need to talk.

Gretel, my coffee.

Oh right! Just a jiff, Margie!

Yeah, just a jiff, Margie.

Hey, who are you?

Lilith's meat pies?

You've got to be

f***ing kidding me.

Hansel! They're

the best sellers.

They're not the same, okay?

And I'd like to have

you for dinner.

You're staying at

the house, right?

Thank you.

Mmm! Grandma,

everything tastes so great!

I made your favorite,

ribs and potatoes.

Grand's been doing all of

the cooking since Dad died.

I don't know what

I would have done if

she hadn't moved back here.

You know I'm really sorry that I

couldn't make it home for his funeral.

You know, I was just-

- Busy.

We know.

So, Sweetheart, how

is life out on the street?

Grand!

Grandma, come on! You're making

it sound like I sell my body on

the streets or

something like that.

Well, how am I supposed to

know what you do?

You never call. You

could use a bath.

We worry about you.

Well, listen, if you really want

to know I've been killing witches.

Oh.

Yeah. I beheaded one down in

Florida, crushed one to death

with my van at the Grand Canyon,

lit a couple on fire in Portland.

Smelled something awful.

And most recently I

cut the, uh, insides out of this

teenage demon cheerleader.

All in all, I've had my hands pretty busy

trying to catch these evil creatures.

Well, not all witches are evil.

Of course, Grandma.

But the good ones,

they don't really

get on my radar.

More juice?

Please.

Smile for me, pretty girl.

Good night, Grandma.

Honestly, what is up with her?

She's getting old.

No, there's got to be something

else going on with her.

Here. You dry. Like

the good, old days.

So what brings you back here?

Mason.

Oh, you found out about that.

Yeah, I found out about that.

Gretel, six people

have gone missing.

You didn't think it was a good

idea to let me know.

I was going to,

Hansel, I wanted to.

But I didn't know

where to reach you!

I figured people run away from home,

parents, relationships, all of the time.

And then I thought

it was nothing but then-

Mason is a grown ass man. He's not

going to just run away from home.

I know.

I think I know what

happened to Mason.

The morning after he disappeared

I went to the bakery and the rug

was just covered in blood.

What?

I thought about going

to the police but after

what happened to us with Lilith.

And...

They didn't leave me

alone for months.

I just grabbed the

rug and I tossed it.

Lilith was gone. They were

going to think it was me.

Well I can tell you from

personal experience there's a

hell of a lot more Liliths out

there than you can imagine.

This can't be starting again.

Gretel, look, we've got to get

to the bottom of this.

Okay? But I need

you to trust me.

Yeah.

First thing in the morning

we're going to Mason's house.

Hey. I'm glad you're back.

Tastes like magic.

She's here and she's

taken our sister's place.

Greedy b*tch. We'll liquefy her.

We've got to find her first.

You! Devils!

Rotting, filthy devils!

She's smarter than she looks.

Well you did say

you needed a new pet.

You couldn't find

a better place to hide?

Lilith's cabin is just-

She will protect us.

No one will see.

There's a strong energy here.

What did you find out?

I was right. That

little girl is still here.

Oh, she's a friend.

She'll be useful to us.

She'll help us track them down.

What's for dinner?

Just the usual. Long pig.

Baby back ribs?

Yummy.

Tell me, Dear. Tell

me everything you know.

Do you remember which

apartment he's at?

Seven, I think.

Oh, right here.

He's missing. Remember?

What now?

How'd you learn how to do that?

Let's just say it's

been one hell of a year.

So if he was taken by a witch,

what exactly are we looking for?

I'm not sure.

We all got to start somewhere.

He was my favorite customer.

Do you smell that?

Hello?

Anyone home?

Ugh!

What is it?

You don't want to see this.

It's Frank!

What?

It's Mason's rabbit. Frank.

He was such a sweet

little rabbit.

Who could've done this?

So what's the plan?

You still talk to

Mason's brother Jacob?

Sometimes. Not too often though.

He lives with Willy now.

With Willy?

Ugh, man. I haven't

thought about her in years.

Is she, uh, she's

doing alright then?

Yeah.

Hansel, you've been

gone for a long time.

Things have changed.

Does she still live

in the same place though?

Yeah.

Maybe he's at work.

You hear that?

Don't run. It's all good.

They're eating us.

They're going to eat all of us.

They're going to eat you too.

Don't you see that?

Lunch.

What's she trying

to do. Steal the tire?

Well she's not going

to be much help.

I guess not.

Man, she looked

familiar. Was that-

Mrs. Klima.

That was Mrs. Klima?

From kindergarten?

What the hell happened to her?

She's crazy.

Hey! What are you two-

Gretel? Hansel?

Hi Jacob.

What's up, man?

Hey, I'm really sorry

about your brother.

I mean, hopefully

he's going to show up soon.

Thanks. I I mean, I just don't know how to

make sense of this whole thing, you know?

It's not like him

to run off like that.

Okay, Sweetie, so

I'm going to head to the store.

So do you want me to

get you anything?

Oh.

Hey.

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