Happiness

1.EXT. HAPPY'S RESTAURANT - NIGHT.1.

The sign is illuminated.

2.INT. HAPPY'S RESTAURANT - NIGHT.2.

Pretty, 30ish JOY JORDAN and teary-eyed STUART sit opposite

each other. He is trying to resist bursting into tears as

they finish dessert.

JOY:

Stuart?� Are you okay?

STUART:

Yeah. Sure. I'm fine.

JOY:

Good. Well. I had a really nice time.

STUART:

Yeah. Me too.

JOY:

Of course, you know I've always

had a nice time with you.

STUART:

Same here.

JOY:

But�

STUART:

Yeah.

JOY:

You understand.

STUART:

Unh.

JOY:

And you don't hate me?

STUART:

No.

JOY:

'Cause you know I could never

hate you. At the same time, I just

don't think I could ever�you know�

you. In the way you should be�

STUART:

Yeah.

JOY:

And deserve to be.

STUART:

Unh hunh.

JOY:

Well. The food here was excellent�

I'm gonna recommend it to my

sisters! How many stars did it get?

STUART:

Three and a half.

And the dam cracks wide open. He bawls. A pause.

JOY:

Do you feel better now?

(STUART nods)

Me too.

STUART:

I'm sorry.

JOY:

It's really good we had this talk.

STUART:

Yeah.

JOY:

Before things went too far�

You know, got too serious.

STUART:

Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm too serious.

JOY:

No, you're not. It's me.

STUART:

No, it's me.

JOY:

Okay. It's you. I'm sorry.

STUART:

Okay.

Pause.

JOY:

'Cause I mean�

STUART:

I know.

JOY:

The thing is, I want to do what's

right � for both of us. I spent

a lot of time�examining�my heart.

And I felt that you deserved

my honesty.

STUART:

Thanks.

Pause.

JOY:

Now I just want to make you

whole again.

STUART:

I'm whole.

JOY:

Really?

STUART:

Really.

JOY:

�'Cause I was afraid we wouldn't

be able to be friends anymore.

STUART:

(laughing, sort of)

Oh, Joy!

JOY:

Oh, but you know how it is.

And well, most guys�

STUART:

I'm not most guys.

JOY:

I know. If only most guys were

like you.

STUART:

But then I'd be like most guys.

JOY:

(laughs)

Oh, Stuart. If only I felt the way

I'd like to feel with you� Life is

so unfair. It's all my fault.

STUART:

I know.

(a beat)

Are you sure�?

JOY:

Yes.

Pause.

STUART:

Is it someone else?

JOY:

No, it's just you.

Pause.

STUART:

I want to show you something

I got for you.

JOY:

For me?

STUART:

(hands her a gift)

Open it up.

JOY:

(discovers a pewter ashtray)

Oh, but Stuart. This is�oh,

this is beautiful.

STUART:

Thanks. It's a Gainsevoort

reproduction. Boston, late 1800's.

I sent away for it just after

we had our�first date.

JOY:

Oh, I just love it. It's a�it's a

collector's item.

STUART:

Yeah, it is pretty special.

JOY:

(laughs)

It almost makes me want to start

smoking again!

STUART:

Look at the bottom.

JOY:

(examines more closely)

Ooh.

STUART:

Forty karat gold-plate inlaid base.

JOY:

Oh, Stuart. Thank you. This really

means something to me. I'll always

treasure it�as a token�

STUART:

No, you won't.

(retrieves his gift;

a sudden shift in emotion:)

'Cause this is for the girl who

loves me. The girl who cares for me,

for who I am, not what I look like.

I wanted you to know what you'd be

missing. You think I don't appreciate

art. You think I don't understand

fashion. You think I'm not hip.

You think I'm pathetic, a nerd,

a lard-ass fatso. You think I'm sh*t.

Well, you're wrong. 'Cause I'm

champagne. And you're sh*t.

And till the day you die, you,

not me, will always be sh*t.

3.EXT. ROAD - NIGHT.3.

Thunder. Rain. STUART's car drives by.

4.INT. STUART'S CAR - NIGHT.4.

JOY sits beside STUART, who is driving. A plastic "World of

Pewter" shopping bag hangs by the glove compartment.

5.EXT. JOY'S PLACE - NIGHT.5.

The car pulls over.

JOY:

Well, good night.

STUART:

Good night.

JOY gets out. STUART drives away.

FADE TO BLACK.

6.INT. BILL'S OFFICE - DAY.6.

ALLEN talks to his psychiatrist, BILL MAPLEWOOD.

ALLEN:

�I dunno, but whenever I see her

I just want to�you know�I want to

undress her, I want to tie her up

and pump her pump pump pump till

she screams bloody murder. And then

I want to flip her ass over and

pump her even more and so hard my

dick shoots right through her and

so that my come squirts out of

her mouth� Not that I could ever

actually�do that� Oh, if only she

knew how I felt, how deep down I

really cared for her, respected her,

she would love me back. Maybe.

But she hardly even knows I exist.

I mean, she knows I exist � we are

neighbors, we smile politely

at each other� But I don't know

how I could ever begin to really

talk to her, what can I talk about?

I have nothing to talk about.

I'm boring. I know. I've been told

before, so don't tell me it's not

true. 'Cause it's a fact. I bore

people. People look at me and they

get bored. They listen to me and

they zone out, bored� And for her

to see how boring I am�no, no, no�

It's better I say nothing� and hope�

though right now, I have to say,

if I were to suddenly jump out of

my window, she wouldn't care. I mean,

she'd care, of course, she'd care,

I mean, she is human, but I mean

she'd care the way you care about a

stranger you read about in the paper

that jumps in front of a running

subway train, a stranger whose name

you're never sure how to pronounce,

if it's even printed. I'd be an

anectode�maybe. But you know what

I'm going to do? When I see her

next time, as soon as I see her,

I'm just going to tell her�tell her

I find her�attractive. And that'll

be that. Then�then we'll see�

7.EXT. HIGH RISE - EVENING.7.

HELEN parks, gets out of her car, walks towards the

apartment building entrance.

8.INT. HIGH RISE LOBBY - EVENING.8.

HELEN walks towards the elevator and waits beside ALLEN.

ALLEN mumbles something. HELEN is oblivious.

ALLEN:

How's it going?

HELEN:

Okay.

The elevator arrives.

9.INT. ELEVATOR - EVENING.9.

ALLEN and HELEN step inside. They ride in silence up to

their floor.

10.INT. HALLWAY - EVENING.10.

ALLEN and HELEN emerge from the elevator.

ALLEN:

See ya.

HELEN:

Yeah.

And they walk their separate ways.

11.INT. ALLEN'S APARTMENT - EVENING.11.

ALLEN drops his stuff.

He takes a shower.

He lies down.

He glances at a book of poetry. CLOSE ON the jacket photo

of the author and accompanying brief bio (i.e. "Nominated

for the PEN/Faulkner Prize for poetry, Helen Jordan has

taught at Harvard, Yale�")

He leans his head against the wall, listens to HELEN making

love to somebody next door: "Oh, Helen! Helen! Helen!" etc.

He removes his ear from the wall, sits on the bed, a phone

book beside him.

He starts flipping randomly through the phone book. He

turns to a page. He dials a number from the book. No

answer. He sighs. Tries to next number down. A man picks

up. ALLEN hangs up immediately. He dials again. A

beautiful-sounding WOMAN picks up.

ALLEN:

Hello, is this Claire?

WOMAN (V.O.)

Who is this?

ALLEN hangs up. He buries his head in his hands.

12.INT. TRISH'S PLACE - DAY.12.

JOY sits in the kitchen with her sister TRISH, who is doing

her nails. Trish's baby CHLOE lies in JOY'S lap. JUANITA

the cleaning woman cleans up in the b.g. The family dog

KOOKI teethes on a bone.

Cute little TIMMY appears, in a Robocop-style outfit.

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