Happy Birthday, Wanda June Page #19

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WANDA JUNE:

Albert Einstein plays shuffleboard.

VON KONIGSWALD:

Mozart plays shuffleboard.

WANDA JUNE:

Lewis Carroll, who wrote Alice in

Wonderland, plays shuffleboard.

VON KONIGSWALD:

Jack the Ripper plays shuffleboard.

WANDA JUNE:

Walt Disney, who gave us Snow White

and the Seven Dwarfs, plays

shuffleboard. Jesus Christ plays

shuffleboard.

VON KONIGSWALD:

It was almost worth the trip--to

find out that Jesus Christ in

Heaven was just another guy,

playing shuffleboard. I like his

sense of humor, though--you know?

He's got a blue-and-gold warm-up

jacket he wears. You know what it

says on the back? "Pontius Pilate

Athletic Club." Most people don't

get it. Most people think there

really is a Pontius Pilate Athletic

Club.

WANDA JUNE:

We're going to have jackets, aren't

we?

VON KONIGSWALD:

You bet! "The Harold Ryan Fan

Club." Pink, eh? With a yellow

streak up the back.

(both laugh)

We got very good tailor shops up

here. They'll make you any kind of

uniform, any kind of sweatsuit you

want. Judas Iscariot--he's got

this black jacket with a skull and

crossbones over the heart. He

walks around all hunched over, and

he never looks anybody in the eye,

and written on the back of his

jacket are the words, "Go take a

flying--

WANDA JUNE punches him in the ribs.

VON KONIGSWALD:

leap at the moon."

MILDRED, HAROLD's third wife, enters. She is voluptuous,

blowzy, tough--about forty-five. She has trouble with

alcohol. VON KONIGSWALD is expecting her.

VON KONIGSWALD:

Aha! Hello! You're Mildred, right?

MILDRED:

I heard you were looking for me.

VON KONIGSWALD:

You were Harold Ryan's third wife.

Right?

MILDRED:

Yes.

VON KONIGSWALD:

You want to join the Harold Ryan

Fan Club? Wear a pink jacket with

a yellow streak up the back?

MILDRED:

Do I have to? Who's the little girl?

WANDA JUNE:

Mr. Ryan just borrowed my birthday

cake. I don't really know him.

MILDRED:

Thought you were another wife, maybe.

WANDA JUNE:

I'm only ten years old.

MILDRED:

That's what he wanted--a ten-year-

old wife. He'd come home from a

war or a safari, and he'd wind up

talking to the little kids.

WANDA JUNE:

Won't you please join our club?

Please?

MILDRED:

Honey--Alcoholics Anonymous takes

all the time I've got--and Harold

Ryan is an individual I would

rather forget. He drove me to

drink. He drove his first two

wives to drink.

VON KONIGSWALD:

Because he was cruel?

MILDRED:

(covering WANDA

JUNE's little ears)

Premature ejaculation.

VON KONIGSWALD:

Ach soooooooooo.

MILDRED:

No grown woman is a fan of

premature ejaculation. Harold

would come home trumpeting and

roaring. He would the kick the

furniture with his boots, spit into

corners and the fireplace. He

would make me presents of stuffed

fish and helmets with holes in them.

He would tell me that he had now

earned the reward that only a woman

could give him, and he'd tear off

my clothes. He would carry me into

the bedroom, telling me to scream

and kick my feet. That was very

important to him. I did it. I

tried to be a good wife. He told

me to imagine a herd of stampeding

water buffalo. I couldn't do that,

but I pretended I did. It was all

over--ten seconds after he'd said

the word "buffalo." Then he'd zip

up his pants, and go outside, and

tell true war stories to the little

kids. Any little kids.

VON KONIGSWALD:

That is sad.

MILDRED:

(blankly)

Is it?

(pause)

I have this theory about why men

kill each other and break things.

VON KONIGSWALD:

Ja?

MILDRED:

Never mind. It's a dumb theory. I

was going to say it was all

sexual..but everything is

sexual...but alcohol.

(making peace sign)

Peace.

VON KONIGSWALD WANDA JUNE

(making peace sign) (making peace sign)

Peace. Peace.

Blackout.

SCENE THREE:

SILENCE. Darkness.

WOODY WOODPECKER VOICE

Ha ha ha ha ha!

(pistol shot)

You got me, pal.

Silence. A baby cries. Silence. The lights come up.

LOOSELEAF:

Go to the funeral?

HAROLD:

Of course! Not only go to it but

go to it in full uniform! Rent a

uniform!

LOOSELEAF:

That's against the law, isn't it?

I can't wear a uniform anymore.

HAROLD:

Wear your uniform and every

decoration, and let them despise

you, if they dare.

LOOSELEAF:

Alice would be absolutely tear-ass.

HAROLD:

When I was a naive young recruit in

Spain, I used to wonder why

soldiers bayoneted oil paintings,

shot the noses off of statues and

defecated into grand pianos. I now

understand:
It was to teach

civilians the deepest sort of

respect for men in uniform--

uncontrollable fear.

(raises his glass)

To our women.

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