Happy Birthday, Wanda June Page #2

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Lion doorbell roars.

PENELOPE:

(cringing)

I hate that thing.

PAUL:

It's beautiful.

He goes to door, admits WOODLY, whom he loathes openly.

WOODLY:

(wearing street

clothes, carrying a

rolled-up poster

under his arm)

Peace, everybody--Paul, Penelope.

PAUL:

You're taking Mom out tonight?

WOODLY:

(to PENELOPE)

You're going out?

PENELOPE:

Herb Shuttle is taking me to a fight.

WOODLY:

Take plenty of cigars.

PENELOPE:

(an apology, secret

from PAUL)

We made the date three months ago.

WOODLY:

I must take you to an emergency

ward sometime--on a Saturday night.

That's also fun. I came to see

Selma, as a matter of fact.

PENELOPE:

She quit this afternoon.

PAUL:

We don't have a maid any more.

WOODLY:

Oh?

PENELOPE:

The animals made her sneeze and cry

too much.

WOODLY:

I'm glad somebody finally cried.

Every time I come in here and see

all this unnecessary death, I want

to cry.

(winking at PAUL,

acknowledging PAUL's

low opinion of him)

I don't cry, of course. Not manly,

you know. Did she try antihistamines?

PENELOPE:

They made her so sleepy she

couldn't work.

WOODLY:

Throw out all this junk. Burn it!

This room crawls with tropical

disease.

PAUL:

Everything stays as it is!

WOODLY:

A monument to a man who thought

that what the world needed most was

more rhinoceros meat.

PAUL:

(hotly)

My father!

WOODLY:

I apologize. But you didn't know

him, and neither did I. How's your

asthma?

PAUL:

Don't worry about it.

WOODLY:

How's the fungus around your

thumbnail?

PAUL:

(concealing the thumb)

It's fine!

WOODLY:

It's jungle rot! This room is

making everybody sick! This is

your family doctor speaking now.

(unrolling the poster)

Here--I brought you something else

to hang on your wall, for the sake

of variety.

PENELOPE:

(reading)

"War is not healthy for children

and other living things." How lovely.

WOODLY:

No doubt Paul thinks it stinks.

Lion doorbell roars.

WOODLY:

I hate that thing.

PAUL:

(going to the door)

Keeps fairies away!

He admits HERB SHUTTLE, who carries an Electrolux vacuum

cleaner.

SHUTTLE:

(to PAUL

affectionately,

touching him)

Hi kid.

(seeing WOODLY)

Would you look what the car dragged

in.

WOODLY:

I'm glad you brought your vacuum

cleaner.

SHUTTLE:

Is that a fact?

WOODLY:

That maid just quit. The place is

a mess. You can start in the

master bedroom.

PENELOPE:

Please--

SHUTTLE:

He's not anybody to tell somebody

else what to do in a master bedroom.

PENELOPE:

I'll get ready, Herb. I didn't

expect you this soon.

(to all)

Please--won't everybody be nice to

everybody else while I'm gone?

All freeze, except for PENELOPE, who comes forward to

address the audience. Lights on set fade as spotlight comes

on.

PENELOPE:

Most men shunned me--even when I

nearly swooned for want of love. I

might as well have been girdled in

a chastity belt. My chastity belt

was not made of iron and chains and

chickenwire, but of Harold's lethal

reputation.

SHUTTLE comes into the spotlight.

SHUTTLE:

I keep having this nightmare--that

he catches us.

PENELOPE:

Doing what?

SHUTTLE:

He'd kill me. He'd be right to

kill me, too--the kind of guy he is.

PENELOPE:

Or was. We haven't done anything

wrong, you know.

SHUTTLE:

He'd assume we had.

PENELOPE:

That's something I suppose.

SHUTTLE:

All through the day I'm so

confident. That's why I'm such a

good salesman, you know? I have

confidence, and I look like I have

confidence, and that gives other

people confidence. People laugh

sometimes when they find out I'm a

vacuum cleaner salesman. They stop

laughing, though, when they find

out I made forty-three thousand

dollars last year. I've got six

other salesmen working under me,

and what they all plug into is my

confidence. That's what charges

them up.

PENELOPE:

I'm glad.

SHUTTLE:

I was captain of the wrestling team

at Lehigh University.

PENELOPE:

I know.

SHUTTLE:

If you want to wrestle, you got

Lehigh. If you want to play

tennis, you go to Vanderbilt.

PENELOPE:

I don't want to go to Vanderbilt.

SHUTTLE:

You don't wrestle if you don't have

supreme confidence, and I wrestled.

But when I get with you, and I say

to myself, "My God--here I am with

the wife of Harold Ryan, one of the

great heroes of all time--"

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