Happy Birthday, Wanda June Page #22

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SHUTTLE starts to answer, but stops, supposing that he is

being made sport of.

HAROLD:

Fifty years?

SHUTTLE:

You're making a joke.

HAROLD:

(not joking)

I'm interested in long-term

expectations.

SHUTTLE:

(flatly, protecting

his dignity)

It's engineered to last about

fifteen years.

HAROLD:

(downstage center,

addressing the

civilized world)

Things. Oh--you silly people and

your things. Things, things, things.

PENELOPE:

(to SHUTTLE, as

HAROLD reflects

majestically on the

emptiness of materialism)

You and Harold are friends?

SHUTTLE:

(revealing how mixed

and worried his

feelings are)

He's the most wonderful guy I ever

met, Penelope. He's the most

complicated guy I ever met. I

can't believe it, but he's going to

take me to Africa with him.

HAROLD:

Things.

PENELOPE:

You feel I've done a dreadful

thing--leaving him?

SHUTTLE:

(almost hypnotized)

If I were married to him, I sure

wouldn't walk out.

HAROLD:

(directly to the audience)

Never mind the condition of your

body and your spirit! Look after

your things, your things!

PENELOPE:

(to LOOSELEAF)

And you, Colonel? Let me guess:

You don't know.

LOOSELEAF:

I dunno.

HAROLD:

(to the audience)

Go live in a safe-deposit box--with

your things.

LOOSELEAF:

Jesus--I wouldn't want to be

married to him. You know?

HAROLD:

What's this?

LOOSELEAF:

I wouldn't want to be married to me.

We're too crazy. You know?

HAROLD:

In what way, pray tell?

LOOSELEAF:

I didn't like that violin thing.

That was sad.

HAROLD:

Tit for tat--as simple as that.

LOOSELEAF:

You never played a violin.

HAROLD:

You did?

LOOSELEAF:

Yeah. I practically forgot. But

after you busted that thing, I got

to thinking, "Jesus--maybe I'll

start the violin again." That

didn't just belong to Woodly. That

belonged to everybody. Maybe he

would have sold it to me, and I

could have some fun. After you

busted the violin, boy, and

Penelope walked out, I thought to

myself, "Jesus--who could blame her?"

HAROLD:

Maybe it's time you got out.

LOOSELEAF:

Me?

HAROLD:

You.

LOOSELEAF:

Okay.

(pause)

Okay.

HAROLD:

You're an imbecile.

LOOSELEAF:

I know you think that.

HAROLD:

Everybody thinks that.

LOOSELEAF:

Anybody who'd drop an atom bomb on

a city has to be pretty dumb.

HAROLD:

The one direct, decisive,

intelligent act of your life!

LOOSELEAF:

(shaking his head)

I don't think so.

(pause)

It could have been.

HAROLD:

If what?

LOOSELEAF:

If I hadn't done it. If I'd said

to myself, "Screw it. I'm going to

let all those people down there

live."

HAROLD:

They were enemies. We were at war.

LOOSELEAF:

Yeah, Jesus--but wars would be a

lot better, I think, if guys would

say to themselves sometimes,

"Jesus--I'm not going to do that to

the enemy. That's too much." You

could have been the manufacturer of

that violin there, even though you

don't know how to make a violin,

just by not busting it up. I could

have been the father of all those

people in Nagasaki, and the mother,

too, just by not dropping the bomb.

(pause)

I sent 'em to Heaven instead--and I

don't think there is one.

HAROLD:

Goodbye, Looseleaf.

LOOSELEAF walks around and gathers his things.

LOOSELEAF:

So long, you guys.

PENELOPE:

What will you do, Colonel?

LOOSELEAF:

I dunno. Marry the first whore

who's nice to me, I guess. Get a

job in a motorcycle shop. So long,

you guys.

PENELOPE kisses LOOSELEAF. Everybody but HAROLD acknowledges

his departure is some way. HAROLD turns his back. LOOSELEAF

exits, closes door. Silence.

SHUTTLE:

Who's going to fly our helicopter now?

HAROLD:

(blackly, tautly)

What?

SHUTTLE:

We got to get another pilot.

HAROLD:

For what?

SHUTTLE:

For Africa.

HAROLD:

Do you really think that Harold

Ryan would go to Africa with a

vacuum cleaner salesman?

SHUTTLE:

You invited me.

HAROLD:

To make an ass of yourself.

SHUTTLE:

What went wrong?

HAROLD:

We're ahead of schedule, that's all.

You're finding out here what you

would have found out in Africa--

that you are a rabbit, born to be

eaten alive.

SHUTTLE:

Gee whiz--

HAROLD:

It would have been fun to see you

drop your rifle and run the first

time an elephant charged us.

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