Happy Endings

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Wait!

Wait!

My God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, God! Oh, my God!

- I didn't see her! I didn't see her!

- Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry!

I didn't see her!

Do you have a cell?! Call 911!

Oh, God!

Hey, is she all right?

I don't know!

we need an ambulance quick.

My tapes.

Sorry.

This is cool, isn't it?

I, uh... I ran with scissors.

Seriously. I was six.

We're not related, you know.

Not really.

Pregnant? Pregnant?!

Get your bony f***ing ass

out of this car!

What the hell

is the matter with you?!

What the f*** were you...

I gotta go.

Wait...

Wear this when they do it.

It's... it's good luck.

Mamie? Who's in there?

No one, Mom. I'm on the phone.

Charles is waiting in the car,

so hurry up.

OK, I'm coming.

I've got your blue bag.

I only did it

to get out of this house. OK?

No, you didn't.

Mamie! It's time to go!

- Hello.

- Hello.

I'm Mamie Toll. I have an 11:00.

A one-hour is 75, right?

That's right.

I'm gonna tip her now...

so if you would please

just tell her beforehand.

What's her name?

I'm sorry,

I have you down for Javier.

Do you prefer a woman?

No, it's fine.

That's fine. Can you make a note,

though, for next time?

Thank you.

OK, I'm ready.

Hello. I'm Javier.

Hi, I'm Mamie.

Have you had massages often?

Not really.

I've had them before, but...

What place hurts you?

My lower back, a little.

Right there.

OK.

OK, turn over.

I'll lift the top sheet for you.

What?

Better if we finish with the back.

Oh. Of course, yeah.

Makes sense. OK.

OK. Yeah.

Put your hands

at your side, please.

Relax them.

Oh, sorry, yeah.

Everyone does it

different... differently.

I'm Javier.

Did I say that already?

Or Javi?

Yes, Javier. Yeah, you said it.

- OK?

- Yeah.

OK, lifting your leg.

Just let it be loose, OK?

This is for your lower back,

to stretch.

Uh-huh.

Bend your knee.

Good. Good.

And I push, OK?

Uh-huh.

OK.

Do not bring your shoulders up.

Let them fall down.

- OK.

- Let them fall down.

Let them go.

Yeah.

OK.

Let 'em go.

What are you doing?

They can hear us.

Wh-what are you...

Get... OK, get off me.

Are you crazy?

- Shh!

- Don't!

This is what you need.

This is why you've paid.

Well, it was...

it was a gift certificate.

Oh, sh*t!

A gift certificate?

You would say that?

I just wanted to be specific.

You know, a lot of details.

I told you I couldn't

pull this off, I can't...

You're not a good liar.

- No.

- This is good.

Well, you're not so hot, OK?

With the, you know,

"This is what you need."

That was a little much.

You know what I was going to say?

I was going to say...

"Trust my hands,

trust my fingers."

I don't want to get you fired.

I agree. 100 percentage.

They can hear.

Muu...

Mucous. Mucous.

- Mu-cous.

- Yeah.

Muc-cous.

Muc... Ah. Muc-ous.

Mem-bran-ee?

- Membranes.

- Mem-bran-ees?

- Membranes.

- Mem-bran-ees sound better, no?

But it...

it already has a face, right?

A face and a personality?

It has more of a head

than a face at this stage.

And a personality?

I don't... Not a personality.

I don't think you could say that.

No one's giving me any advice.

I'm not here for advice.

I'm here to listen.

I can't tell you what to do.

That's great. That's helpful.

I had one when I was your age.

And were you sorry after?

I mean, does it bother you?

I'm Catholic.

I shouldn't have told you that.

And I'm Jewish, so...

I shouldn't have

told you that, either.

Will you be here tomorrow?

It's tomorrow at 10:00 if I decide.

Tomorrow? No. No,

but there will be someone for you...

Janet, if you want

to talk afterwards.

Yeah. I'm gonna do it.

OK.

I'm not maternal, either.

Thank you.

It's 7:
00.

I guess you're on your way.

It's tonight, you know,

in case you're checking.

- F***!

- Call me.

F***!

Hi. Yeah, Charley Peppitone, please.

It's his sister.

Hey, it's me.

Hi. Listen,

I'm... I'm too tired to come over.

Well, Charley, he's two!

And... No, he's not gonna...

He doesn't even know me.

I didn't get a present,

and Pam and Diane don't care.

- They don't even like me.

- They do like you.

Come on... What?

You don't have to worry about that.

No... Listen... No, Gil has, like,

a bunch of presents...

and he can just,

like, put your name on one...

and then it'll be great,

you know?

OK, wait, wait, wait.

Mamie? Hello?

Sh*t.

Yeah!

- Happy birth...

That makes him cry.

Yeah, but the cake is great,

and the candles... Iove that.

Can he blow 'em out?

Yeah, you wanna

blow 'em out, baby?

We'll do it.

- Everybody do it together.

- Blow towards Mommy.

One, two, three, blow!

I hated that song, too.

I never knew where to look.

And how long

can you stare at candles?

Just cake, no icing,

'cause we don't do sugar for him.

I thought the whole point

of being a kid was candy.

Not anymore.

Could we just have dogs?

Oh, come on.

You would have been a great dad.

Aw, thanks.

We tried. It wasn't meant to be.

- Besides, being an uncle's better.

- Yeah.

So strong!

There you go.

Your cousin bites.

She doesn't. She's really good.

You think she bites?

Her husband's cute.

He totally is staring at your tits.

That's why I've got two weeks

to find somewhere else to stay.

Well, I wish you hadn't

slept with Rick back then...

otherwise, you know...

I know. I'm fine. I'm fine.

Sorry, sorry.

It's OK.

I'm gonna find somewhere.

It's cool. It's taken care of.

OK!

OK, next up, we have Jude!

Jude?

Jude? What did you do?

- Jude here?

- It's funny, 'cause she's right here.

You are such a jackass!

- That was great.

- Thanks.

OK...

Are you f***ing serious?

That isn't what you picked?

No, no, that's what I picked.

OK.

This song is for someone

who's here tonight.

If you search for tenderness

It isn't hard to find

You can have the love

you need to live...

Little low.

If you look for truthfulness

You might just as well be blind

It always seems to be

so hard to give

Honesty

It's such a Ionely word

Everyone is so untrue

Honesty

Is hardly ever heard

It's mostly what I need from you

I can find a lover

I can find a friend

I can have security

until the bitter end

Anyone can comfort me

with promises again

I know

I know

- Hey, Jude?

- Oh, f*** off.

What? Oh, it's not that.

I've got this band. Serpentine?

Oh, have you ever heard of us?

No.

Anyway, Rain, our singer...

she got sent to rehab.

So I was thinking...

Hey, Otis! What's up?

Oh, can I borrow this?

We watched it last week, right?

Yeah, but I want to listen

to the commentary.

You want to?

Uh, I gotta get home.

Yeah, I saw your... Gil.

- Hey, the baby's cute.

- Yeah.

Who would you say

he looked like?

Sh*t, I don't know.

What's the name of the pretty one?

Diane. No, no, no.

A guy, you know?

You know, if you had to say

a guy he looked like.

I didn't really see him.

He's a baby,

you know, cute, you know.

That's all I meant.

Like, puppies and sh*t.

- I'll see you Thursday.

- Yeah, sure.

Serpentine's playing?

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