Happy Family

My name's Ezio Colanzi, I'm 38,

I've never done a thing in my life.

I want to write a film,

or rather, an art film,

a box-office draw,

it's got to be a fine film.

If you've nothing to do, writing

is the greatest thing in the world.

I have all I need,

a computer, my health

and solitude.

I don't have really an idea, but...

doesn't matter.

More or less nine months ago,

Francesca left me.

Together with my love, she took away

everything I thought was also mine.

Rummaging through things

she left behind, I found this record.

"Simon & Garfunkel".

No one listens to this music anymore,

me included.

But it's the only music I have.

#It's that we're afraid:#

#our nightmare is#

#seeing all we've done destroyed,#

#we're terrified the streetcar#

#we're on might derail. #

#Afraid of whites, blacks,#

#the police and the Carabinieri. #

#Stressed about losing our jobs,#

#but also about getting fat,#

#hunchbacked, old, rich. #

#Afraid of missing trains,#

#of not arriving on time,#

#afraid a bomb might go off,#

#of losing an arm, an eye,#

#a child, a scrap where#

#we wrote such an important thing. #

#We fear earthquakes, viruses,#

#making mistakes, sleeping,#

#dying before doing#

#all we were supposed to. #

#We're afraid our sons#

#might be homosexual,#

#or that we ourselves#

#might be homosexual!#

#We're afraid of our neighbors,#

#diseases, not knowing what to say,#

#of having dirty underwear#

#at some important moment. #

#Afraid of women, men,#

#thieves, mice, cockroaches. #

#Afraid of stinking, voting, flying,#

#afraid of crowds, failing, falling,#

#stealing, singing, of people. #

#Afraid of others. #

That's why this film is dedicated

to those who are afraid.

CAST AND CHARACTERS

My name's Filippo, I'm 16 and

in a month I'm getting married.

I've thought long and hard.

If you find the right girl,

why wait?

I've found the right girl.

You'll say I'm lucky, some people

don't find her in a lifetime.

What can I say? I lucked out.

People can luck out in life,

can't they? I did.

My future wife's name is Marta,

she's 16 too.

We both go to

the Parini High School in Milan,

but different classes,

she's in B, clearly I'm in A.

A sandwich roll, please.

Are you nuts?

You're 16, Marta!

People don't get married at 16.

They go to discos, want motorbikes.

Want a motorbike? I'll buy you one

but don't say

you want to get married.

Say something, give me that joint!

Smoke, it'll relax you.

I think if you want to do it,

you should.

You can be mature even at 16.

Some people at 60

don't understand a f***ing thing.

So, if she wants to, she should.

If it doesn't work out, so what,

you still have time

to revamp your life. Or not?

- I think this... what's his name?

- Filippo.

He's no genius,

but he's a good kid.

A kid who plans this important step

has character at least, or not?

At his age I was jerking off.

#Smoking joints... #

#and riding a Vespa around. #

I'm 53!

What's my life?

I ride a Vespa to the office,

I smoke joints

and jerk off at the computer.

I'm speechless.

She barely has her period

and wants to get married!

I can't stand Filippo,

he's an idiot!

He's a 50-year-old

in an adolescent body.

He knows it all! With that voice...

My husband's proving to be

the moron he is.

You're your daughter's father,

remember?

You have responsibilities!

I should have told them afterwards.

"Mom, Dad, know what?

I'm married. "

I thought it would be nice,

and they'd be moved.

Especially the b*tch.

They don't even screw.

I'd hear them,

my room's next to theirs.

I haven't heard them

since our vacation in Calabria.

I was ten years old.

My name's Vincenzo,

I'm 55 and I'm about to die.

I have a tumor, malignant of course.

This is the x-ray I went to pick up.

That's 35.20 euro.

Don't you have a 20?

I don't see anything.

I don't know how

to break it to my family.

I have a daughter who's 27,

Caterina, by my first wife, Anna.

She died prematurely

in a car accident ten years ago.

Coffee's ready.

That's Anna, my second wife.

We've been married eight years,

I love her.

There's Filippo, the 16-year-old son

of my second wife, Anna.

He's not here now, he's at school.

He's a little...

unusual.

My mother lives with us too.

Her name's Anna, of course.

They all call her Grandma Anna,

she's 80,

and has Alzheimer's and is long gone.

You talk to her,

and then she'll say...

Who are you anyway?

I'm Vincenzo,

your son.

I love to cook.

I don't like doing desserts,

don't have the knack.

But first courses, second courses

and side dishes,

I've really got the knack.

I'm Caterina, I'm 27 and don't have

much to say right now.

I live with my folks, I'm a redhead,

I'm 5'6" and I'm depressed.

At least I think so.

They tell me I'm beautiful,

that I have wonderful skin.

But I have a problem: I stink.

They say redheads stink,

I'm a redhead and can confirm.

It's true.

My odor is different from everyone's.

Some smell like children,

or talcum powder, or farmers...

I smell like pickles,

and it's even worse in summer.

Hi.

I'm going out.

Anna, my father's wife,

lives with us too.

She's a beautiful woman

and has a 16-year-old son, Filippo,

he's a little unusual.

My name's Anna, I'm married to

Vincenzo, I have a son, Filippo.

He's a little unusual.

Vincenzo's 27-year-old daughter

Caterina lives with us too,

she's by his first wife, Anna.

No, I'm sorry, I can't,

I'm edgy today,

I'm not usually like this.

Know why?

It's four months today

my husband and I haven't made love.

The strange and bad thing is

I couldn't care less.

Like I'm getting used to it.

#This morning I got up,#

#I had coffee and left the house. #

#I bought my favorite paper#

#at the newsstand. #

#I saw an announcement:#

#"Chinese relaxation rubdowns,#

#discreet environment, 024312... "#

#I waited for the flush to subside#

#and I called. #

#Colini 21, intercom 3.#

I'd like to have the street name.

Colini 21, near Paolo Sarpi.

You said Sarpi?

Wait, sir.

- Who's this?

- Like I'm gonna tell you!

#It's 21 Via Niccolini. #

Ring at Ha To Ho, number 3.

Can I come right now?

I'm here now, so you can't.

The lady will tell you.

I'd like to know when...

#"Go fom-fo".#

#What's that mean?#

#Ground floor! "Go"#

#means ground and "fom-fo"... #

#She stammers?#

#Chinese and a stammerer!#

#We'll never understand each other!#

#Thid flol. #

- What, third floor?

- #Thid flol. #

Oh, "thid" floor!

- Should I undress?

- Want massage with clothes?

Everything?

Yes.

Lie on belly.

Colini 21, intercom 3.

Wait, sir.

Please, I'm talking.

The address is 21 Via Niccolini.

Ring at Ha Ho To, three.

Don't mention it.

- Thank you.

- "Velcome. "

- There, that's what I don't...

- Down!

#She pushes me down#

#and starts massaging. #

#As she's massaging my back,#

#one of my favorite spots,#

#en passant, she runs her hand#

#between my buttocks. #

#Given my position,#

#I'm right on display. #

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