Happy Valley Page #9

Season #2 Episode #3

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10.00

JOYCE is busy at her desk just beyond the counter when she

hears CATHERINE heading down the stairs shouting at her

favourite P.C.

CATHERINE:

(oov)

Mr. Tekeli! I read your statement

for that assault. I see we’re still

struggling with the i before e

except after c concept, and can you

get someone with more time and

patience than I have to explain to

you the difference when you spell

“he threatened to break my arm”,

and “I applied the foot brake”?

Thank you.

CATHERINE’s voice irritates the hell out of JOYCE. She always

has to shout, we can see JOYCE thinking, she always has to

announce herself. She can’t just come into a room quietly

like normal people. A fraction of a second before CATHERINE’s

finished shouting at GORKEM, she appears and puts a cactus

down on JOYCE’s desk. Right in front of her. In a tiny plant

pot. With a ribbon round it. One of those tiny cactuses that

cost about 50p but that you hope in about thirty years’ time

might get a bit bigger.

HAPPY VALLEY SERIES TWO. EPISODE THREE. PEACH SCRIPT. 4545.

CATHERINE:

I got you this.

(JOYCE regards it like

CATHERINE just dumped a

bucket load of hoss muck

on her desk)

To say sorry. I was... you know.

Tired and emotional. And out of

order. And I’m sorry.

(JOYCE isn’t thawing, she

just gazes steadily at

CATHERINE like she’s a

particular kind of idiot)

I thought it’d remind you of me.

Because it’s prickly. And I’m

prickly. And in fact you could call

it Catherine. And then next time

you get cross with me, you could...

JOYCE:

Throw it at you.

CATHERINE:

Yeah! Or... yeah. That’d work.

JOYCE:

Or I could call it by your nickname.

That might make me happy.

CATHERINE:

Sure! Absolutely. Except I haven’t

got one.

JOYCE:

Oh you do.

CATHERINE:

No, [I] - do I?

JOYCE:

Obviously not one we use to your

face.

CATHERINE:

What is it?

JOYCE:

Well it’s a secret. From you. I

mean obviously everyone else knows.

And everybody upstairs. And up at

head quarters. And that lot down at

t’cafe that do us butties.

CATHERINE:

Well what is it then?

HAPPY VALLEY SERIES TWO. EPISODE THREE. PEACH SCRIPT. 4646.

JOYCE:

It’s - I can’t say. It’s - you

know. Not very flattering.

CATHERINE wonders if JOYCE is winding her up.

CATHERINE:

I haven’t got a nick-name.

JOYCE:

No. Good. Okay.

CATHERINE:

What is it then?

JOYCE:

I accept your apology.

CATHERINE:

What’s my nick-name?

JOYCE:

You haven’t got one.

CATHERINE:

How long have I had this nick-name?

JOYCE:

I shouldn’t have said anything.

CATHERINE:

What you gonna call the cactus

then?

JOYCE:

Nothing.

CATHERINE:

Tell me. Or I’m taking it back.

JOYCE:

(pushing the cactus back

towards CATHERINE)

Okay.

CATHERINE:

(pushing the cactus back

to JOYCE)

No tell me.

JOYCE:

I didn’t invent it.

CATHERINE:

What is it?

HAPPY VALLEY SERIES TWO. EPISODE THREE. PEACH SCRIPT. 4747.

JOYCE looks around to make sure no-one’s around, then

indicates for CATHERINE to bring her ear close so she can

whisper

JOYCE:

I’m not telling you.

CATHERINE:

Right!

(she’s leaving)

Whatever. Keep the cactus.

(she comes back with a

post-it note that she’s

been wielding all this

time, the thing she

really came down for)

These are those dates when I was

out murdering prostitutes. If you

still want to check your diary.

JOYCE:

(taking the note)

There’s nothing I’d rather do.

CATHERINE leaves then comes back again.

CATHERINE:

Come on, what is it?

JOYCE:

You used to be a detective. Find

out.

CATHERINE:

I will.

JOYCE:

Good luck.

CATHERINE:

Right.

JOYCE is smiling happily to herself once CATHERINE’s

disappeared:
that was fun. Winding the sergeant up, best game

there is. And JOYCE quite likes the little cactus too. It’s

cute. Win win. CATHERINE come back.

CATHERINE:

Are you lying? Are you smiling?

Just then CATHERINE’s radio starts talking to her

HAPPY VALLEY SERIES TWO. EPISODE THREE. PEACH SCRIPT. 4848.

RADIO:

Bravo November four-five. Could you

look at log one-three-four of

today, at Crow Wood Park?

(JOYCE prods a key on her

desk top to bring up the

screen allowing CATHERINE

to instantly access log

134)

We’ve had a phone call from a nun

about a suspected suicide.

CATHERINE:

(reading the log)

A nun?

RADIO:

Paramedics are on their way, can

you get someone round there?

CATHERINE:

A real nun?

RADIO JOYCE:

You know as much as me, four-(well dry)

five. No, a pretend one.

CATHERINE:

Responding.

(to JOYCE)

They could be dressed up going to a

hen party.

CATHERINE’s prodding ANN’s number into her radio.

JOYCE:

At ten o’ clock in t’morning?

CATHERINE’s on her radio again.

CATHERINE:

Charlie Oscar nine-six-five.

(then to Joyce)

Okay, so they might still be out

from t’night before.

Cutting as and when with:

CUT TO:

33 EXT. STREET, SOWERBY BRIDGE. DAY 9. 10.01 33

ANN and another PSCO are chatting to a little old couple at a

bus stop who aren’t sure which bus to get on. ANN hears

CATHERINE’s voice.

HAPPY VALLEY SERIES TWO. EPISODE THREE. PEACH SCRIPT. 4949.

ANN:

Charlie Oscar nine-six-five.

CATHERINE:

It’s baptism of fire time kid,

we’ve got a suicide up Crow Wood

Park. I’m gonna pick you up, you’re

coming wi’ me.

ANN does a silent “Yess!” She’s thrilled.

CUT TO:

34 INT. GRAVESEND PRISON, VISITING AREA. DAY 9. 10.15 34

FRANCES is with TOMMY. They have to talk hush hush because

obviously if anyone official knew that FRANCES was seeing

RYAN there’d be trouble. TOMMY’s angry and hurt.

TOMMY:

“We don’t talk about me dad?”

FRANCES:

Yeah, but listen, don’t get cross!

He said that, but then nothing

could be further from the truth!

Once he started it was like he

could talk about nothing else.

TOMMY:

(suspicious, anxious)

What did he say?

FRANCES:

He said how much he liked you. When

he met you. Outside the shop, and

on the boat. And how he still

thinks about you.

TOMMY:

Did he say that? He actually said

that? That he still thinks about

me?

FRANCES:

Every day. Yes. He said it.

TOMMY:

Yeah, in a bad way.

FRANCES:

No! He talked about bringing you

milk. And how he upset you by

bringing his friend, and how much

he wishes he hadn’t done that now

because that seemed to spoil

everything.

HAPPY VALLEY SERIES TWO. EPISODE THREE. PEACH SCRIPT. 5050.

TOMMY:

Did he - ?

(embarrassed)

Say owt about me chucking petrol

all over him?

FRANCES:

He did. Yes. And that was really

interesting. Because. He says all

he can think of now is how ill you

were when that happened.

TOMMY:

I was! I had septicaemia! I was off

my head, I nearly died!

FRANCES:

He thinks it’s his fault.

TOMMY:

Eh?

FRANCES:

He said if he hadn’t brought his

friend there, you wouldn’t have got

upset that day and done that.

TOMMY:

It wasn’t his friend as such. He

were a nice enough little lad, I

was just frightened about ‘em

telling people where I was ‘cos I

knew they’d crucify me. I wouldn’t

have hurt him. Frances. Never. Not

in a million years. I was just off

me head.

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