Happy Valley Page #8

It took a year to heal

and I tried to go

back to gymnastics,

but it was too painful.

It was so...

Everything just wasn't right.

I just couldn't get

back into it.

I remember Macall wanted to go

to school, though.

She would do gymnastics, too.

She wanted to go to gymnastics,

and I just

didn't want to take her.

I started slacking

on being a mom,

and, you know, she was like,

"Please, Mom.

Take me to gymnastics.

Please, please."

And I was like, "Ugh."

I mean, it was one exit away.

You know, it was nothing.

So I just ended up just staying

into school

and getting a social life

and going with my friends.

And then my parents got divorced

and I was living with my mother

and my sister Lindsy,

and my mom, she ended up

falling into using drugs.

It's not a pretty sight

to shoot up.

It's ugly, very ugly.

There's blood. There's...

It's just ugly, and my kids got

to the point where they just...

It was just like

Mommy blowing her nose.

You know, it was no big deal.

No big deal at all to see me

sit down and do that.

"Hold on."

You know, I would...

Before I could make breakfast,

I had to do my fix

so that I could be normal

and fix breakfast.

Even breakfast, you know?

I'd get a call

from the principal

when I was in junior high

because I never was there.

And he would leave message after

message, wondering where I was.

And I was home tending

my two sisters

without my mom.

I wanted to go out

and play with my friends

and not take care of my sisters.

I thought that using with my mom

would create

some sort of closer bond,

and...

it did, but it was just in

a really bad way.

We wanted the mom

that we grew up with.

The fun, outgoing mom that loved

to do activities with us

and not just do her drugs

and go to bed.

I was using heroin.

I had to have it in me

every six hours.

Otherwise, I would be sick.

I would be withdrawing.

And I just remember waking up

in the mornings

and feeling so sick

to my stomach

'cause we didn't know how

we were gonna get the money.

We broke in

to our dealer's house,

and I remember getting

two baggies

and then a piece

that was this big of heroin,

and...

and that lasted us a week.

I look back on it,

I can't believe that...

how fast we went through them,

you know?

Being in prison...

is so hard.

I've been on an R&L

year lockdown

You only get out an hour a day

in the morning.

But being off the drugs

feels so good.

I feel so much better now

than I did

back when I was using.

I honestly feel happier now.

Macall is in jail right now.

What would you say to her if

you could talk to her right now,

sitting next to her

in her jail cell?

I don't know.

I would say that...

I don't know.

I can't tell her what to do

or how to think.

I want us to have a regular

mother/daughter relationship.

I want us to go get coffee

in the morning.

I want to go to school.

I want her to tell me

to do my homework.

I want...

I want to come home and...

come home to her, you know,

cleaning the house

or doing something normal.

What?

I got one for these guys.

Lindsy, you're gonna love this.

I got to sit a little lower.

I remember getting a cough once

and she gave me some Tussionex,

and I thought it was just gonna,

like, you know, chill my cough

so I can go play ball

or something for the night,

go have fun, spend some time

with the kids,

but I fell asleep...

for two and a half days.

Woke up.

All three cars were gone,

wallet was gone.

Part of my clothes were gone

and the kids were gone

and I was hungry.

And I had missed work

for two days,

and I think, "Wow, every time

I get tired or something,

she'll give me

a little 'aspirin, '

and then I'd fall asleep

for two or three days.

She's good.

Real good."

Do you remember those, Lindsy?

She could run.

"Here, here, no problem.

Just, I know you got a cough.

Here, just take a little..."

I'd go to sleep,

and I'd wake up two days later.

And just everything's gone.

My wallet's gone, money's gone.

They've been gone on vacation

for two days.

"We just went to St. George.

We had a great time, " so...

I don't know.

I've been through

so many rehabs,

and I feel like

it's just done nothing,

and so I still am just

in my own little prison

of going home

and isolating myself.

And...

Describe the Nancy personality

before drugs

and then the Nancy

personality traits today.

- Before drugs?

- Mm-hmm.

I don't know.

How do you feel about your life

and your kids today?

I miss out on everything.

What did you miss out on?

What do you think

you missed out on?

Be specific.

I wasn't invited

to Lindsy's wedding,

my eldest daughter's wedding.

I didn't get to see

the birth of her first child.

I didn't get to see

all the things

that Macall went through

with gymnastics

and all the things

that she succeeded in

and won trophies in and things

because I was too busy

out doing my own thing.

I had no time for it.

There was no time.

I had to worry about where my

next fix was gonna come from.

And Maron.

And Maron's been the one

that's been the...

that's lacked the most

of no mom.

She's just had nanny after nanny

after nanny.

And it's not the answer.

It doesn't help anything.

It just keeps getting worse

until you lose everything,

including your kids,

the trust of your family,

the trust of everybody

around you, you know?

Worst of all, it's just the

trust of your kids, you know,

where they have to hide

their piggy bank from you.

I don't care if I live or die.

I don't even care.

I don't.

Hurry.

Back to you. Hurry.

Just get there, Ron.

Can you drive,

like, faster, please?

Okay.

Describe the feeling

of withdrawing the first hour

today.

Are you encouraged

after your first day?

How does it feel?

We're on Day 2.

How do you feel, Nance?

I feel really good.

No, how do you feel, really?

I don't feel good.

Okay.

You're doing awesome, though.

It's your second day.

Enough of this.

Several weeks later.

I feel...

I guess like

everybody else feels.

Boring.

All right, that's cool.

Is that how you feel every day?

I got to think that there's

a piece of all of us, you know,

when stuff like this happens,

and, believe me,

I can't speak firsthand.

I can only speak as,

you know, observing,

that there might be

the possibility of healing.

One, is you're helping

other people,

and, two, in the possibilities

of having a conversation

with Macall,

that you might be able

to rise above this,

as hard as it may sound.

Believe me, I'm being

very outside the box here,

so if you could rise above it

in a way that maybe

you could make a difference

by showing the world

what true love is

in spite of this disaster.

Oh, you want me to forgive her.

I'm proposing a conversation.

- I'm afraid.

- Yeah.

I'm...

No, not for what you think.

I'm afraid because Macall lies

so beautifully,

and I have all the lies

she's told me,

and they're right here,

and once they're voiced,

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