Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

Scene 1:
In a cage.

LOCATION:
Little Whinging, Surrey – night

LOCATION:
No. Four Privet Drive – Harry’s room - night

HARRY:
I can’t let you out, Hedwig. I’m not allowed to use magic outside of

school. Besides, if Uncle VernonUNCLE

VERNON:
Harry Potter!

HARRY:
Now you’ve done it.

AUNT PETUNIA:
He’s in there. Vernon...

UNCLE VERNON:
I’m warning you, if you can’t control that bloody bird it’ll

have to go.

HARRY:
But she’s bored! If I could only let out for an hour or twoUNCLE

VERNON:
Huh, huh! So you could send secret messages to you freaky

little friends. No, sir!

HARRY:
But I haven’t had any messages from any of my friends... not one...

all summer.

DUDLEY:
Who’d want to be friends with you?

UNCLE VERNON:
I should think you’d be a little more grateful. We’ve raised

you since you were a baby, given you the food off our table, even let you

have Dudley’s second bedroom, purely out of the goodness of our hearts.

AUNT PETUNIA:
Not now, Bopkins. For when the Masons arrive.

UNCLE VERNON:
Which should be any minute! Ahem...Now let’s go over our

schedule once again, shall we? Petunia when the Masons arrive you will be...?

AUNT PETUNIA:
...in the lounge, waiting to welcome them graciously into our

home.

UNCLE VERNON:
Good! And- and Dudley, you will be...?

DUDLEY:
I’ll be waiting to open the door!

UNCLE VERNON:
Excellent! ...And you...?

HARRY:
I’ll be in my bedroom, making no noise and pretending that I don’t

exist.

UNCLE VERNON:
Too right, you will. With any luck, this could well be the day

I make the biggest deal of my career. And you will not mess it up!

Scene 2:
Dobby’s warning.

LOCATION:
No. Four Privet Drive – Harry’s room - night

(Ding-dong!)

UNCLE VERNON:
Mr. and Mrs. Mason! Do come in!

DOBBY:
Ha- ha- ha! Ha, ha! Ho, ho, ho! Ha, ha! Harry Potter! Such an honor it

is!

HARRY:
Who are you?

DOBBY:
Dobby sir, Dobby the house elf.

HARRY:
Not to be to be rude or anything, but this isn’t a great time for me

to have a house elf in my bedroom.

DOBBY:
Oh, oh yes, sir! Dobby understands! It’s just that, Dobby has come to

tell you- it is difficult, sir- Dobby wonders where to begin?

HARRY:
Why don’t you sit down?

DOBBY:
S-sit down? S-sit- sit down? Oh, oh, ho. Oh, ho, ho... Oh, ho, ho.

Ohh, ho, hoo...

HARRY:
Dobby, ssh! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to offend you, or anything.

DOBBY:
Offend Dobby? Dobby has heard of your greatness, sir, but never has he

been asked to sit down by a wizard, like an equal.

HARRY:
You can’t have met many decent wizards then.

DOBBY:
No, I haven’t. That was an awful thing to say. Bad Dobby!

HARRY:
Stop, Dobby!

DOBBY:
Bad Dobby!

HARRY:
Dobby, shh!

DOBBY:
Baaad Dobby!

HARRY:
Dobby, please stop!

LOCATION:
No. Four Privet Drive – Living room - night

UNCLE VERNON:
Ohh, don’t mind that! It’s just the cat.

LOCATION:
No. Four Privet Drive – Harry’s room - night

DOBBY:
Bad Dobby. Bad Dobby!

HARRY:
Stop! Stop, Dobby. Please be quiet! Are you all right?

DOBBY:
Dobby had to punish himself, sir. Dobby almost spoke ill of his

family, sir.

HARRY:
Your family?

DOBBY:
The wizard family Dobby serves, sir. Dobby is bound to serve one

family forever. If they ever knew Dobby was here...ooh... But Dobby had to

come. Dobby has to protect Harry Potter- to warn him. Harry Potter must not

go back to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry this year! There is a

plot, a plot to make most terrible things happen.

HARRY:
What terrible things? Who’s plotting them?

DOBBY:
Ooo... er... can’t... say... argh...

HARRY:
Ok– I- understand. You can’t- say.

DOBBY:
Don’t make me talk, I— Errr...

HARRY:
Dobby! Dobby, put the lamp down.

DOBBY:
Bad Dobby.

LOCATION:
No. Four Privet Drive – Living room - night

UNCLE VERNON:
So when they arrive at the ninth hole...

LOCATION:
No. Four Privet Drive – Harry’s room

HARRY:
Give me the lamp! Dobby stop!

DOBBY:
Let me go!

HARRY:
Get in there, and keep quiet!

UNCLE VERNON:
What the devil are you doing up here?

HARRY:
I- I was just—

UNCLE VERNON:
You just ruined the punch line of my Japanese golfer joke!

HARRY:
Sorry.

UNCLE VERNON:
One more sound, and you’ll wish you’d never been born, boy! And

fix that door!

HARRY:
Yes, sir... See why I’ve got to go back? I don’t belong here. I belong

in your world, at Hogwarts. It’s the only place I’ve got friends!

DOBBY:
Friends who don’t even write to Harry Potter?

HARRY:
Well, I expect they’ve... been- hang on- how do you know my friends

haven’t been writing to me?

DOBBY:
Harry Potter mustn’t be angry with Dobby. Heh- Dobby hoped, if Harry

Potter thought his friends had forgotten him, Harry Potter might not want to

go back to school, sir.

HARRY:
Give me those, now!

DOBBY:
No! Ahh! Ooh...

LOCATION:
No. Four Privet Drive – Kitchen - night

HARRY:
Dobby, get back here!

DOBBY:
(Snap!)

HARRY:
Dobby, please, no!

DOBBY:
Harry Potter must say he’s not going back to school!

HARRY:
I can’t. Hogwarts is my home!

DOBBY:
Then, Dobby must do it, sir, for Harry Potter’s own good. (Snap!)

LOCATION:
No. Four Privet Drive – Living Room - night

UNCLE VERNON:
...it spread as far as the eye could see, all over the floor of

this vast building, and it was this deep. And one plumber said “Look at all

that water.” A-and the second plumber said, “Yes, and that’s just the top of

it!”

DOBBY:
(Snap!)

UNCLE VERNON:
I’m so sorry! It’s my nephew- he’s very disturbed. Meeting

strangers upsets him. That’s why I kept him upstairs!

Scene 3:
Car rescue.

LOCATION:
No. Four Privet Drive – exterior - daytime

UNCLE VERNON:
You’re never going back to that school. You’re never going to

see those freaky friends of yours again. Never!

LOCATION:
No. Four Privet Drive – Harry’s room - night

RON:
Hiya, Harry!

HARRY:
Ron! Fred. George. What are you all doing here?

RON:
Rescuing you, of course. Now, come on. Get your trunk!...

RON:
You’d better stand back. Let’s go!

LOCATION:
No. Four Privet Drive – Mr. And Mrs. Dursley’s room - night

AUNT PETUNIA:
Oh!

UNCLE VERNON:
Now, what the hell’s he doing? Potter!

LOCATION:
No. Four Privet Drive – Upstairs hall - night

DUDLEY:
Dad! What’s going on?

LOCATION:
LOCATION: No. Four Privet Drive – outside Harry’s room - night

GEORGE:
Go, go, go, go!

DUDLEY:
Dad, hurry up!

RON:
Come on.

FRED:
Come on.

RON:
Come on, Harry! Hurry up!

UNCLE VERNON:
Petunia, he’s escaping!

HARRY:
Ahh- ahh!

RON:
I’ve got you Harry!

UNCLE VERNON:
Come here!

HARRY:
Let go of me!

UNCLE VERNON:
Oh no, boy! You and that bloody pigeon aren’t going anywhere!

HARRY:
Get off!

RON:
Drive!

FRED:
Right.

GEORGE:
Right!

UNCLE VERNON:
No! No! No! No! Aaaah!

AUNT PETUNIA & DUDLEY: Aaah!

DUDLEY:
Dad!

UNCLE VERNON:
Oh... Damn.

LOCATION:
Flying car - over Little Whinging, Surrey - night

RON:
By the way, Harry, Happy Birthday!

Scene 4:
The Burrow.

LOCATION:
The Burrow – exterior - morning

LOCATION:
The Burrow – Kitchen - morning

FRED:
Come on. Okay, come on. Shh! Shh! Ok, come on. Shh! Come on.

RON:
Do you think it’d be all right if we had some of this?

GEORGE:
Yeah, Mum would never know.

RON:
It’s not much, but it’s home.

HARRY:
I think it’s brilliant

MRS. WEASLEY:
Where have you been? Harry, how wonderful to see you dear. Beds

empty! No note! Car gone! You could have died! You could have been seen! Of

course, I don’t blame you, Harry dear.

RON:
They were starving him, Mum. There were bars on his window!

MRS. WEASLEY:
Well, you’d best hope that I don’t put bars on your window,

Ronald Weasley! Come on Harry, time for a spot of breakfast. Here we are

Harry. Now tuck in! That’s it. There we go.

GINNY:
Mum- Mummy, have you seen my jumper?

MRS. WEASLEY:
Yes dear. It was on the cat.

HARRY:
Hello. W-what did I do?

RON:
Ginny. She’s been talking about you all summer. A bit annoying really.

ARTHUR WEASLEY:
Morning, Weasleys.

FRED, GEORGE, RON: Morning, Dad.

MRS. WEASLEY:
Morning Arthur!

ARTHUR WEASLEY:
What a night. Nine raids. Nine!

HARRY:
Raids?

RON:
Dad works in the Ministry of Magic, in the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts

Office. Dad loves Muggles, thinks they’re fascinating.

ARTHUR WEASLEY:
Well now. Aah! And who are you?

HARRY:
Oh, sorry sir. I’m Harry, sir, Harry Potter.

ARTHUR WEASLEY:
Good Lord! Are you really? Well, Ron’s told us all about you,

of course. When did he get here?

MRS. WEASLEY:
This morning. Your sons flew that enchanted car of yours to

Surrey and back last night.

ARTHUR WEASLEY:
Did you really? How’d it go? Did you—

FRED, GEORGE, RON, HARRY: Oh, it...

MRS. WEASLEY:
Arthur!

ARTHUR WEASLEY:
I mean...that was very wrong, indeed, boys. Very wrong of

you. Now, Harry, you must know all about Muggles. Tell me, what exactly is

the function of a rubber duck?

HARRY:
Oh, umm...

MRS. WEASLEY:
Well, that’ll be Errol with the post. Oh, fetch it will you

Percy, please?

PERCY:
Errol...

RON:
He’s always doing that.

PERCY:
Oh look, it’s our Hogwarts letters. And they’ve sent us Harry’s as

well.

ARTHUR WEASLEY:
Dumbledore must know you’re here, Harry. Doesn’t miss a

trick, that man.

MRS. WEASLEY:
Oh, no.

FRED:
This lot won’t come cheap, Mum. The spell books alone are very

expensive.

MRS. WEASLEY:
We’ll manage. There’s only one place we’re going to get all of

this. Diagon Alley.

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