Heaven Can Wait Page #5

Yes.

Hey, how you doing, Everett?

How you doing, Bentley?

Hurry up.

Wait a minute.

Just a minute, please. All right.

Sorry to bother you, but we don't

love each other. Let's get divorced.

I don't know

what you're talking about.

Come on. Yes, you do.

Abbott, there's a trainer

for the Rams named Max Corkle.

Could you call and ask

him to come see me?

Yes, Mr Farnsworth.

Thank you. Good night.

You idiot! You idiot!

Why did you answer him?

I couldn't resist.

His will is too strong.

That's our weekend forecast.

Now here's tonight's sports.

Leach and Char will have to...

He's dead. It's over with.

...left for Philadelphia

this morning...

At last, at last.

- At last, my dearest.

- It's incredible.

Yes! Just a minute. Yes!

Yes, Sisk.

And, Abbott, Corkle's number

is 654-1654. All right?

- Yes, Mr Farnsworth.

- OK.

Oh, my God.

Right this way.

Mr Farnsworth is waiting for you

in the ballroom. Follow me, please.

Mr Corkle, sir.

Max. How you doing?

Fine.

Lost a little weight, huh?

Have we met?

Sort of. Yeah.

Thanks, Sisk. Hey.

I hear you got all Joe Pendleton's

athletic equipment.

Yeah. How d'you know that?

I'd like to buy it.

I'd like to bring it in here.

No, I'm sorry, Mr Farnsworth.

That's not for sale.

- No?

- What do you want it for?

I've got to get in shape.

I'd like you to help me train.

- Oh, train?

- Yeah. As soon as I'm ready...

I want you to get me

a tryout with the Rams.

What are you trying out for?

Quarterback.

Yeah, well, the point is,

Mr Farnsworth,

we already got a quarterback

working with the team.

We got a couple

of pretty good backups.

You call Hodges good, huh?

The point is

we don't need a quarterback.

Why don't you try another team?

The Oakland Raiders are close.

Give them a call.

I want to play quarterback

and get in shape for the Super Bowl.

What would it cost to try out?

Look, Mr Farnsworth,

no team wants a crazy trainer,

and only a crazy trainer

would arrange a tryout for you.

You keep your money,

I'll keep my job,

and we'll keep this little

misunderstanding to ourselves.

Hey, that's all right,

I'll finish that up.

What would you say if I told you

I was a professional football player?

Boy, hey, these... These are nice.

Max... You know how people die?

Yeah. Why?

And after they die,

they go to heaven?

I guess, if... if they're good.

I mean, why not?

You know how it works in heaven?

- Not exactly.

- It's probability and outcome.

I never knew that.

Say there's a probability

that some guy's going to die.

An escort from his way station

gets a signal.

He goes down

and waits for the outcome.

If the guy lives,

the escort wasted a trip.

If he dies, he takes him back

to his way station.

He puts him in line for his

final destination. You follow?

Yeah. Mind if I smoke?

Go ahead. Let's say there's

a new escort. He gets a signal.

He takes off and sees a guy

riding a bicycle into a tunnel.

The car's coming the other way.

The escort's supposed to wait,

but he's new and figures

the guy's a goner.

He figures, why should I

have the car hit him?

Why not take him out

a few seconds early

and take him up to his way station?

Listen, I... need a match.

That clock, that's a lighter.

So the thing is, the guy he takes up

to the way station

isn't just some ordinary guy.

He's an athlete

with fantastic reflexes.

He wouldn't have hit

the car at all.

- How do you light this?

- There.

The guy wasn't really dead.

His number wasn't up for years.

He would have missed the car.

- No kidding?

- Yeah.

Is this lighter right?

Max! They're supposed to put him

back in his body,

but he's been cremated.

- They have to find another body.

- Look, Mr Farnsworth,

I'm just a trainer. What you need

is like a really good doctor.

Don't you understand?

Sure. That's a hell of a story.

Max, you... Mr Jordan.

I'm so glad to see you.

I'm trying to get Farnsworth

into shape for the Super Bowl.

- I want Corkle to help me.

- Somebody with us?

- Who are you talking to?

- Mr Jordan. He runs the way station.

You can't see him.

You're still alive.

You two probably got a lot

to talk about. I'll be on my way.

- Wait a second, Max.

- Tell him who you are, Joe.

He'll never believe me.

Can't you tell him?

He's the only person who can get me

a tryout with the Rams.

You can make him believe you.

- Look at me.

- Mr Farnsworth...

Max! I'm not Farnsworth.

I'm Joe Pendleton.

Farnsworth's wife

and secretary murdered him.

This is a body they found for me.

They drugged him, stuck him

in a bath, then I stepped in.

It's not bad material.

I can get it into shape.

I don't want to hear any more.

- Max, please.

- I... want to get out of here.

- Max.

- I won't tell a word to anybody.

I promise.

It'll be our little secret.

A secret? Like your sister

and the Coca-Cola salesman?

- What about the scar on your tongue?

- How did you...?

What did you do

at your uncle's wedding?

What about the first time

I fixed your neck in Pittsburgh?

Now do you believe me, Max?

Please say you believe me.

They don't have a team in heaven,

so God couldn't make me first-string.

He doesn't believe me.

Try a little music.

That's a great persuader.

Joe, you never could play that thing.

You all right, Max?

Max... you all right?

Bentley! Whip up a liver and whey

shake right away!

I'm gonna play in the Super Bowl.

That's what I've got coming to me,

right, Mr Jordan?

As you say.

- He's still here?

- Right there.

Max, listen to me.

Farnsworth isn't in bad shape.

I still know the moves.

Just help me with the body.

Thanks, Mr Jordan.

Sisk! How about that liver and

whey shake? Hurry up. Hurry up.

- I need it for Mr Corkle.

- Yes, sir. Right away.

I want the whole staff to suit up.

We're going into training.

Listen, Mr... Jordan, is it?

You still there?

Any time you want to chime in...

why, just feel free.

Feel free.

I'm telling you to feel free.

You got to help me

talk Joe out of this.

If I do get him a tryout,

that team will put him

out of commission like that.

Christ, I can't even snap

my fingers any more. Oh, sorry.

He's not there, Max.

Don't get crazy. I'm counting on you.

This isn't going to work.

We're fooling with the Rams.

It... it's just... Well, all right.

I'm still figuring out

what I'll say. I...

You're playing football

with a bunch of butlers.

- This isn't gonna work!

- I fixed all that.

- How?

- I bought the Rams.

Leo Farnsworth has bought this team,

and he wants to play quarterback.

- Sh*t!

- Crazy son of a b*tch.

We won't take this bullshit.

Wait a minute.

Fellas, this is the way it is.

He'll play quarterback

in Wednesday's scrimmage.

At which time,

he and the coach will decide

whether he's qualified

for the job or not.

Mr Farnsworth says,

"Tell no one to hold back".

These were his words, play that

scrimmage like the Super Bowl.

- Take him at his word.

- Let's kill him.

My team.

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