Hickey

---

- Boo!

- Carly!

What are you doing here?

Just a little light reading.

Are you a fan of Euclid?

Was Pythagoras into triangles?

Okay.

Um...

Uh.

What are you...

Damn it, Hercules.

Leave! Go, go, go, go.

Yup, that's my family, or was.

If all the world's a stage,

then my mom's the star.

Look, I know she means well,

I just wish her spotlight

wasn't always so close to me.

- How did you do that?

- You're welcome.

I did not know

how to turn that on.

- Turn the knob, mom.

- Yeah, okay.

I thought you were gonna

take those pictures down.

Oh, yeah.

I'll get to it soon.

No big deal.

- Okay.

- Wait!

- Where you going?

- I'm late.

I made homemade jam.

CY Epstein here, owner of CY's.

Home of the greatest selection

of new and used car stereos

and old audio equipment

in all of Southern California.

From speakers to nad, Bluetooth

and even musical equipment.

If you can't find it at CY's,

you can't find it.

And don't forget to check out

our Venice location.

Home of the one and only

consignment mountain.

Wow, I might be

the first guy in history

to ever stay home

for a not-girlfriend.

That's really...

That's really funny.

You should tweet that.

Jeremy, my best friend,

we met in fourth grade,

and formed a candy cartel.

I was the brains

and he was the distribution.

We made $11 cash.

Is it the sex thing?

'Cause it's so not a big deal.

- Girls like virgins.

- Clearly.

I can only help so much.

Whatever your problem is, you're

behaving like a real vagina.

And how is that?

By giving birth?

Creating a pathway

for menstrual blood

of just self cleansing?

Vaginas are cool.

Oh, right, Carly.

She's smart, funny,

and a great musician,

even if she doesn't always

believe in herself.

I've heard people say

that she's really pretty,

so, that too, I guess.

When your mom turns 40,

do you think you'll have

to stop jerking off to her?

You know that line

we talked about?

That's crossing it.

Good morning, teach.

Hey, morning, Ryan.

You know, black viper has 25...

350 watts, four to 3,000 hertz.

Mr. Ramsdell, my favorite

teacher of all time.

He's been here all summer

checking out the black viper,

but never even turns it on.

I guess he's going through a

late-life crisis, or something.

That's correct.

- Orientation's next week, right?

- Yes.

You're gonna love

Boston in the fall.

Jeannie went to grad school

there after we got married.

Did I mention that to you?

You did.

You did.

Okay.

Good talk.

Good talk.

Derek.

Until he came along

in ninth grade,

I was the undisputed heavy

weight champion of the nerds.

I kind of told him

that if I went to UCLA

we could be roommates.

I thought he wasn't listening.

He was.

Hickey!

Oh, Derek, what the hell!

- What are you doing?

- Gettin' my blade on, roomie.

By the time school starts,

I'm gonna be a master.

You're not really going

to m.I.T, are you?

You'd better tell me now,

or I'm gonna get totally hosed

on the roommate sitch, dude.

Please.

Do not f me, Ryan.

I will not f you, Derek.

I just want five bucks.

- Thank you.

- All right.

- Go!

- Hey.

- Good morning, Ryan.

- Hey, Gary, hey.

That's Gary, my boss.

He can fix toasters.

Not sure why, but he can.

4,589

divided by 16.

Henry, our security guard.

He was a champion prize fighter,

but a bad blow to the eye

sent him into early retirement.

He's been working

at the store for 30 years,

which is pretty much

the definition of bad luck.

Uh, 286.81.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Good morning, honey.

Ellen, she scares

the f*** out of me.

She wants to be a vet, I think,

but I wouldn't let her

anywhere near animals.

Or people.

I'd give you a hand job

with my eyes open

if it meant you never

speak to me again.

Throw in a warm moist towel,

and you've got a deal.

Okay, I'm done talking now.

You'll figure out who everyone else is.

I promise.

Wow, you really brought

your a-game today.

I'm not gonna lie,

it does feel good.

You've been practicing.

Oh, my god,

you have been practicing!

What, did you, like,

buy a book or something?

- You did!

- Oh, no. Oh, no.

- Oh, okay.

- Hi.

That is fantastic.

He never cared about...

Hey, keep playing, Ryan.

We're dancing over here.

You know, he bought a book?

- Did he?

- Yeah.

He's getting so good.

Did you teach him?

Thanks... thanks

for lunch, mom.

Oh, have fun.

See you tonight.

- Bye.

- Bye Mrs. chess.

Oh, it's snusz now.

I'm gonna go clock in

and then when I come back

he'll probably have

forgotten this, right?

- Unlikely.

- That's what I thought.

Don't forget your lunch.

Thanks, mom.

Why do they call him the hawk?

The dude is magic

with the ladies.

Met a girl at

a bachelorette party,

they ended up dating

for six months.

So?

The girl was the bachelorette.

Huh.

"Sale psych 101"?

- Did you read this?

- Carly did.

She swears by it.

Brady gave it to her

as a love present.

Girls like Carly don't get

with guys like Brady.

All girls wanna get

with a guy like Brady.

They can't help themselves.

It's the flight

or f*** response.

Isn't that right, sweetie?

Uh...

Thought I got something...

Thank you.

- Good friend, Jeremy.

- I know.

- Good friend.

- I know.

This program sucks!

Hi.

Thanks.

Oh. Sorry.

- I never get these.

- Huh?

I never get these.

It must be a lucky day for you.

You never know.

Can't be!

Brady, yes,

I received the package.

What? What?

I can't hear you.

Batting cages?

Okay, bye.

I'm up.

"Dear team, it is with much

regret that we are announcing

the immediate closure

of branch 11.

But please understand

this is a business

and not a personal decision,

and was based

on your store's failure

to meet its goals

for q3, i..."

what the hell!

Immediate?

- As in, like?

- Today.

Brady's on his way here.

Well, just because we didn't

hit our numbers?

Yeah, when have we ever

hit our numbers?

What about severance?

It says a week for every year

you've been here.

A week?

That's not gonna pay

for my tuition.

What the hell

am I supposed to do now?

I can't believe it.

I'm so screwed.

I mean, Jesus, I have to

move back to Camarillo.

Camarillo?

Great outlet stores.

Almost 50% off essential oils

at the bath

and body works there.

I... I heard.

What?

Are you hiring?

Then, no, I can't hold.

Brady sets the goal the quarter.

He knew that these numbers

were impossible.

Oh, it's possible, if we cared.

Or if we sold everything

in the store.

Ooh, he shouldn't do that.

Ligamentous laxity can lead

to early onset of arthritis.

What?

Oh my gosh, look at all

these serial numbers.

God!

Hickey!

'Sup big snot?

Ass breath, what's going

on with you, brother.

Whoa! That dorm is huge.

How many b*tches does it hold?

It doesn't really specify.

I should've went to college.

- It's a p*ssy factory.

- What about b*obs?

Are they made in a completely

separate facility?

Huh, what? Dude, you gotta

take me with you, bro.

I'll show you

how to do this, man.

I'll wingman your sh*t.

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