High Anxiety Page #4

Close the drapes.

Close the other one. Get down! Lower.

Good. Quick, come here.

Get up.

Sit down. Not there, here.

- Here?

- There.

Will you please tell me who are you

and who are they?

Quick, make believe

you know me terribly well.

What's your sign?

I'm sorry, it's unlisted.

Boy, you sure blow hot and cold.

No offense.

Will you please tell me who you are?

My name is Victoria Brisbane.

My father is Arthur Brisbane.

You're the cocker's daughter?

Have you seen my father

at the Institute? Is he all right?

He's fine. He's coming along fine.

He's very affectionate. He licked me.

He what?

Well, he thinks he's a dog these days.

- A dog?

- Dog. Yes.

- Do you mind if I smoke?

- Not at all.

I see. A dog.

Dr. Thorndyke, I assure you

my father is just as sane as I am.

he suffered a nervous breakdown.

He went into the Institute for a rest

and has been a virtual prisoner ever since.

Frankly, Doctor, I fear for his life.

Miss Brisbane, I assure you

I am a competent psychiatrist.

I've examined your father and I must

tell you, in my professional capacity...

...he is deeply disturbed.

Don't answer it. If they know I'm here,

they'll harm my father.

You're late, they're waiting.

I'll be right down.

That's Brophy, my driver. He's all right.

Miss Brisbane, I'm terribly sorry.

I must go. They're waiting for me.

Don't you believe what I'm telling you?

It's not that I don't care.

You don't understand.

I'm the principal speaker at the convention.

I must go. I'm very late.

Why don't we meet later at the bar?

We'll talk about it then.

Fine. Later at the bar, that's perfect.

Let's go.

Here we go.

See? There's no one here.

There are no enemies.

There's nothing to worry about.

Let me see you to the elevator.

Right this way.

Nice hotel, isn't it?

Kind of high.

May I have your attention, please?

Fellow members

of the American Psychiatric Convention...

...it is a pleasure and an honor...

...to present the new head

of the Psycho-Neurotic Institute...

...for the Very, Very Nervous.

Winner of the Nobel Prize for his works

in the use of chemotherapy...

...on severe psychosis.

The distinguished

Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke.

Thank you, Dr. Colburn.

Fellow analysts, psychiatrists...

...psychologists and laypeople...

...today I would like to discuss...

...some of the lesser known aspects

of Psychobiological Therapy.

psychology was akin to witchcraft.

But some of these great people,

these giants behind me...

...gave us a nice living.

I don't know what they said.

I only know that they met.

What do you want me to do? Kill him?

If you want me to kill him, I'll kill him.

I don't have to kill him,

but I'd like to kill him.

I killed Ashley and Wentworth. Another

killing or two won't make any difference.

It would make me happy.

I'd like to kill them both.

I think it would be better

if I killed them both.

Well, let me kill just one, then.

Whichever one you want.

All right. I'll wait.

But the minute you say kill them,

I'll kill them.

I'd love to kill them.

It would give me immense pleasure.

And so, in conclusion...

...let me reiterate...

...that there are no rules.

That each patient is a supreme individual

endowed with those qualities...

...that distinguish the human being...

...from the slime from which he emerged.

Thank you.

Yes, Dr. Colburn.

May I ask you a question?

Certainly.

Dr. Thorndyke, you mentioned

in your address that penis envy...

...should be deemed

an antiquated psychiatric concept.

Could you expand on that?

Of course.

Let's remember

that the term "penis envy"...

...was created in a predominantly

male atmosphere...

Excuse me.

Sorry I'm late.

Forgive me for bringing the kids.

I couldn't get a sitter.

Please, have a seat.

As I was saying, in a world of

predominantly male-oriented psychology...

...it was only natural

to arrive at the term, pee...

Pee...

"Peepee envy. "

Are you saying there's absolutely

no validity to...

...peepee envy?

It has no more validity

than if a man envied a woman's...

...balloons.

Dr. Thorndyke, do you feel

that the trauma of toilet training...

...has a bearing on the sexual future

of the adolescent?

Toilet training. That's a vast area.

Let's be more specific.

Are we talking about...

...number one or cocky-doody?

For argument's sake, let's say cocky-doody.

I'd say professionally, cocky-doody...

...has very little to do with the future

sexual development of the adolescent.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

Let me backtrack for a second.

The female erogenous zone.

- You mean the balloons?

- No. Lower, much lower.

Where the babies come out. The woowoo.

The woowoo?

Yes. The woowoo.

Perhaps the most significant

psychological feminine component...

...known to mankind.

Here we are. A B&B and B&B&B.

Thank you.

Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke.

What does the "H" stand for?

What?

Harpo.

My mother loved the Marx Brothers.

She saw all their movies.

She named me Harpo.

Harpo?

I like it. It's very refreshing.

There are certain names that you just

don't hear very often these days.

- Anyway, here is to Daddy's recovery.

- To Daddy's recovery.

- Feeling better?

- Dr. Thorndyke.

You'll never know

how wonderful you've made me feel...

...by allowing me to visit my father.

I can't believe it.

I'm actually going to see him.

Miss Brisbane, I must warn you.

You may be in for quite a shock.

I don't care.

I just know that if I can see him and speak

with him that everything will be all right.

Hey, it's song time here at the piano bar.

That means I lay back and let you

come forward and sing a few songs.

How about you, sir?

How about you, ma'am?

No?

How about you, Doc?

How about giving us a tune?

Me?

Yes.

I don't sing. No.

I really don't sing.

Not professionally, anyway.

Come on, Doc. Give us a song.

We'd love it.

Come on. You can do it.

Go ahead. It'll be fun.

All right. Do you know High Anxiety?

You got it. Is B flat okay?

B flat?

The key.

The key.

That's fine, sure. I guess so. Sing in here?

Okay. Anytime.

"High anxiety

"Whenever you're near

"High anxiety

"It's you that I fear

"My heart's afraid to fly

"It's crashed before

"But then you take my hand

"My heart starts to soar

"Once more

"High anxiety

"It's always the same

"It's you that I blame

"It's very clear to me

"I've got to give in

"High anxiety

"You win"

- Hiya, Tex. Where are you from?

- Cincinnati.

Great town. Love that big, red machine.

Ease up on the linguine.

Hello, young lovers, whoever you are...

What do I spy? A little grain of rice.

Newly married?

This morning.

This morning, folks.

And they said it wouldn't last.

"But then you take my hand

"My heart starts to soar

"Once more"

Key change. "High anxiety

"It's always the same

"It's you that I blame

"It's very clear to me

"I've got to give in

"High anxiety"

And remember, folks. Be good to

your parents, they've been good to you.

"You win"

Jeepers, Richard, that was terrific.

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