Hitch

---

Basic principles:

No woman wakes up saying:

"God, I hope I don't get

swept off my feet today. "

Now, she might say,

"This is a really bad time for me. "

Or something like, "I just need some space. "

Or my personal favorite:

"I'm really into my career right now. "

You believe that? Neither does she.

You know why?

Because she's lying to you, that's why.

You understand me? Lying.

It's not a bad time for her.

She doesn't need any space.

She may be into her career...

but what she's really saying is,

"Get away from me now. "

Or possibly, "Try harder, stupid. "

Well, which one is it?

60% of all human communication

is nonverbal.

Body language.

30% is your tone.

So that means that

ain't coming out of your mouth.

Toby!

Sh*t!

Of course she'll lie to you.

She's a nice person,

she doesn't wanna hurt your feelings.

What else is she gonna say?

She doesn't even know you.

Yet.

Luckily, the fact is

that just like the rest of us...

even a beautiful woman doesn't know

what she wants until she sees it.

And that's where I come in.

My job is to open her eyes.

Oh, my God!

Is this what you're looking for?

Basic principles: No matter what,

no matter when, no matter who...

any man has a chance

to sweep any woman off her feet.

Just needs the right broom.

You cannot use what you do not have.

So if you're shy, be shy.

If you're outgoing, be outgoing.

- I'm not outgoing.

- That's okay.

She may not want the whole truth,

but she does want the real you.

She may not want to see it all at once,

but she does want to see it.

So tonight, when you're wondering what

to say, how you look, or if she likes you...

just remember, she is already out with you.

That means she said yes

when she could have said no.

That means she made a plan

when she could have just blown you off.

So that means it is no longer your job

to try to make her like you.

It is your job not to mess it up.

The shoes are hot.

You went to the place I told you?

Yeah, but I don't think they're really me.

"You" is a very fluid concept right now.

You bought the shoes.

You look great in the shoes.

That's the you I'm talking about.

The key tonight is hang back.

Give her plenty of space.

If she lingers at a photograph, move on.

But maintain the visual.

It's supposed to be 64 and clear tonight.

So when you leave the club, walk a little.

Ask her what she thought about the show...

what was her favorite photograph,

why that one.

And when she answers,

don't be looking at her mouth.

Don't be wondering

what she looks like naked.

Listen to what she is saying and respond.

Listen and respond.

That way, when it's your turn to talk...

you'll have something better to say than,

"I like your mouth. "

What was your favorite one?

The elephant, definitely.

And all of a sudden,

we're on date number two.

Ready.

No way.

We're going back in there.

You have to smile.

In case you didn't go to high school,

hitting is a good thing.

So how does it happen, great love?

Are you okay?

- Nobody knows.

- I'm good.

Let me get a Bomb Pop

and a Screwball for the lady.

But what I can tell you,

is that it happens in the blink of an eye.

One moment, you're enjoying your life.

And the next, you're wondering

how you ever lived without them.

Three dates is all I need.

Three dates, and I'll get you here,

to the high-stakes medal round...

where eight out of 10 women

believe that the first kiss...

will tell them everything they need to know

about the relationship.

After that, you're on your own.

But always remember...

life is not the amount of breaths you take.

It's the moments that take your breath away.

Did I call it or did I call it?

I mean, what did I say, six months?

And when was her first date?

So five-and-a-half?

God, I hate it when I'm right.

What is it about guys that makes them

want to screw anything that walks...

even when they're going out with

someone as awesome as Allegra Cole?

She's only the most fabulous thing

walking around New York.

Thanks, Young.

Are you kidding?

Of course I'm gonna run it.

Why should she waste her heart

on some Swedish aristo-brat?

Even if he is gorgeous.

If he's stupid enough to cheat...

the world should know

he's dumb enough to get caught.

Exactly. I'm in the elevator.

See you in a minute.

Good morning, how are you?

Bitter, party of one.

You should try it sometime.

Barbados by myself?

I wouldn't last five minutes.

It was just what the doctor ordered.

I slept in, I did my yoga,

I read a couple of books...

flirted with my scuba instructor.

- And apparently never left the office.

- I know, isn't that great?

You should've taken someone with you.

Who am I gonna take with me?

This is where a boyfriend comes in handy.

- I don't have time for a boyfriend.

- You said that two years ago.

Yes, and it's as true today as it was then.

I thought you were on vacation.

See if these are in focus

and have them in my desk in an hour.

Besides, relationships are for people

waiting for something better to come along.

Spoken like a true cynic.

I'm not a cynic. I'm a realist.

You are a realist masquerading as a cynic

who is secretly an optimist.

What are you doing here?

What is she doing here?

She works here, remember?

No, she doesn't. Not for another four days.

- This couldn't wait.

- It could.

What are you doing? Go back to the beach.

- I don't want you here.

- No, really, you do.

You are becoming

a sick, workaholic lunatic...

and this is exactly...

the kind of nervous, overwrought behavior

that leads to...

Pictures of Sebby with a busty brunette.

A very big raise.

Jesus. You could find dirt in a snowstorm.

Comes with the job.

You know, kiddo, there is more to life

than watching other people live it.

Can I help he was cheating on my beach?

I think it's great

that you're so good at your job.

I'm just a little worried as to why.

Let me worry about that.

Okay. I want that column on my desk

by lunch.

So you'll pay for my hotel?

For you to sip mai tais?

I don't think so. Get out.

- Come on.

- What?

- That's good, right?

- No.

No, it was in and it freaked out.

You know what your problem is, Hitch?

You're all about the short game.

You pick your shots

based on what you see first...

not what's necessarily best for you...

in the long run.

All of us are not married to the woman

of our dreams and about to have a baby.

You know, I'm very happy for you.

Just not meant for everybody.

So please just leave me to my hot, sweaty...

totally varied, wildly experimental

short game.

- I was talking about pool, but whatever.

- Yeah, okay.

Honestly, I just hope one day

you're able to experience...

the unconditional love, trust,

and openness...

that I share with Grace every single day.

- Is this really barroom talk?

- You need to listen to me. I'm serious.

Because when you get to a place

with a woman like that...

Rate this script:3.0 / 4 votes