Hitch Page #2

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it's so beyond anything physical that...

when I think back to

when I used to run around with you...

and chase all these really gorgeous

but shallow women...

I don't know, it's kind of ridiculous

and vaguely pathetic.

Yeah, I see what you mean. That's pathetic.

So, how'd you meet him?

I was in La Perla

just buying some weekend thongs.

- And he was doing likewise?

- No.

Actually, he said he was buying something

for his mom.

His mom?

Casey, who buys high-priced lingerie

for their mother?

Well, maybe he was looking for a robe.

Casey, he was hitting on you while

he was buying lingerie for another woman.

- I prefer the mother story.

- I know you do, but that's not the point.

No, the point is I'm not gonna start out

assuming the guy's a liar.

- Why not?

- Because that's how you wind up...

Like me? Is that what you were gonna say?

No. I was gonna say, "Like you. "

- What's his name?

- Why?

- I'm gonna Google him.

- No. Google your own guy.

Let's just see if his mother's still alive.

- So when is Grace due again?

- Soon.

- You excited?

- What'd you say?

Do you want me to go get them

and bring them over here?

No, don't do that.

Are you saying you don't wanna talk to them

because you can't go home with them?

I'm just trying to keep my head above water.

- Have you heard of the Date Doctor?

- Urban myth.

- Really?

- Absolutely.

I was hoping he also helped women.

Casey, you're not sick. You're single.

You just have to relax and enjoy the ride.

I haven't been ridden in months.

On that happy note, I'm gonna go see

if anybody interesting came in tonight.

- You mean, besides me.

- Right.

Bye.

I'll go get those girls,

bring them over here...

and we'll have a conversation

like human beings.

Then you're gonna home,

and I'll take them back to my apartment.

Well, that sounds like fun for me.

But you might want to get in line, pal.

- Hey, girl.

- Hey, how are you?

Hey, baby, can I get a couple Coronas

at the pool table, please? Thanks.

Excuse me.

Lime wedges in the bottle's fine.

Hey, a**hole, I don't work here.

I'm sorry. The paramedics will have to come

to get my foot out of my mouth, sweetheart.

Just don't let it happen again.

- I knew you didn't work here.

- You did?

How else was I supposed to get you away

from all those guys?

Why would you want to do that?

Some guys naturally develop a comfort

with the opposite sex.

They like women, women like them.

Everything flows naturally.

Back in college, I was just not one of them.

I seemed to lack the basic understanding...

that my peers just intuitively grasped.

But like any late bloomer,

I was eager to make up for lost time.

Her name was Cressida Baylor.

Can you tell me

where the registration building is?

And my life would never be the same.

- I'm Alex.

- Cressida.

What we had was beautiful.

I love you.

I love you so much.

I love you, too, Alex.

I know you don't love me

as much as I love you.

But that's okay.

I'm just glad you love me at all.

In retrospect,

I guess I may have come on a little strong.

But the experience taught me a lot.

Cressida!

What are you doing?

I'm sorry, Alex.

But I love you. What did I do wrong?

Just tell me what I did wrong.

You're doing it right now.

Alex, I'm sorry.

And it's an education

I feel obliged to pass on to my fellow men.

Because with no guile and no game,

there's no girl.

If ever a man born was without game...

it was Albert Brennaman.

My business is 100% referral

and, thus far, untraceable.

And if there's one thing I've learned...

when you orchestrate, coordinate,

and otherwise mess with fate...

it's best to fly under the radar.

I hope she's single

'cause I don't do break-ups.

Hi. Thank you for seeing me.

Yeah, no.

I mean, she just got out of a relationship.

Is that a problem?

Because if it is, that's fine.

I'm a little uncomfortable with this anyway.

Definitely been hurt a lot.

I had a lot of bad experiences.

Some good ones.

But definitely a lot of bad ones.

I'm desperate, basically.

I mean, not in general, you understand?

You know, not just for anybody.

But, man, for her... Yeah.

Why don't you tell me about her?

Let's see, what can I say?

My company handles her finances.

I'm her tax consultant.

Well, I'm one of them.

I'm the junior man on the account.

- So does she know you're interested?

- No.

Alive?

I lent her my pen once.

Shoot. Does anyone have a pen?

- Here, take mine.

- Albert, you're crushing my arm.

Sorry about that. Here you go, Allegra.

Allegra? As in Allegra Cole?

Yeah, I realize that I'm not her usual type.

Well, her last boyfriend owned Sweden

or something.

And that guy was a bum.

He didn't seem like

a very nice person to me.

You swing for the fence.

Look, you don't think I tried

talking myself out of this?

I mean, you don't think I know

how ridiculous this is? I know, okay?

I just thought that maybe with your help...

You know what?

I'm really sorry I wasted your time.

Hold on a second, Albert.

You know what it's like

getting up every morning feeling hopeless?

Feeling like the love of your life

is waking up with the wrong man?

But at the same time,

hoping that she still finds happiness...

even if it's never gonna be with you?

You are flat-out...

out of your mind. You know that?

That's good.

It is?

You ever heard of Michelangelo?

Heard of the Sistine Chapel?

Michelangelo.

Sistine Chapel.

You saying you can do this?

My name is Alex Hitchens.

Let's go paint that ceiling.

Take it easy.

Oh, my God!

Well, it looks like I'm still rich.

But what I would really like,

and what I was wondering is...

if I could have $500,000

to invest on my own.

And what were you thinking

of investing in, Allegra?

Well, it's something

that I really have a passion for.

Daydreams are for private time.

When you're in the room, be in the room.

Concentrate. Focus.

Women respond when you respond to them.

My friend Maggie is a talented designer.

I've seen the business plan

and the samples look fantastic.

And I would really like to get involved.

I'll tell you what.

Let us come up with a range of investments

that we think you might be interested in...

and next month,

we'll run the whole lot of them by you.

Okay.

Fine. Thank you. All right, gentlemen.

Let's go over this one more time.

What is the objective?

Shock and awe.

That was shockingly awful.

What is the objective?

Shock and awe.

What is the objective?

- Excuse me, sir.

- Yes, Albert?

I don't really agree with that.

You don't really agree with what?

I think if you want to invest $500,000

in your friend's business...

that's exactly what you should do.

You don't need us to tell you what to do.

We're a board of advisers,

not your kindergarten teachers.

If you want to be taken seriously

as an adult...

then start taking yourself seriously

as an adult...

instead of asking for permission

to invest your own money...

from a boardroom

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