Hitch Page #3

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full of your daddy's golf buddies.

- That's quite enough!

- I'm not finished.

I'd like to see anybody in this room

handle the attention and publicity...

that she's had to deal with her whole life,

with half her class.

We should be taking advice from you,

Miss Cole. Not the other way around.

- Sit down...

- No! You know what? I quit!

Oh, my God.

Just breathe. How'd it go?

I yelled at her. I screamed at my boss!

I quit my job!

- What?

- You said...

- I gotta go back.

- No, I didn't tell you to quit.

Relax. Okay, listen, we're fine.

- Would you let me go?

- Albert, no!

Just relax! Okay?

- Just let it marinate for a second. Trust me.

- No!

Relax.

- It's Allegra Cole.

- Answer it.

- Could I speak to you a second?

- Answer the door, Albert.

Yes. Hi.

What's up?

Listen, Albert, right?

- People don't usually talk to me like that.

- Close your mouth, man.

Let me rephrase that.

People never talk to me like that.

Stand up.

I guess it's kind of scary for them.

But that's why I really appreciate

what you did in there.

But I was wondering...

do you think that you and I could

get together sometime this week?

You know, to go over things.

Financial things.

I'd like to see the areas

where I can afford to take some risks.

- Check your schedule.

- I'll check my schedule.

Great. Let me give you my number.

Do you have a pen?

I don't think I have one.

- Yes, I do.

- Great.

And call me Allegra.

- You're done.

- Goodbye.

Good job.

Oh, damn.

She's some kind of newspaper columnist.

Comes in here once in a while. Great tipper.

What's her drink?

Usually beer.

Tonight, Grey Goose martini, dirty.

Hi.

I noticed your glass was getting low...

so I took the liberty

of bringing you another apple martini.

Thank you.

And I couldn't help but notice

you look a lot like my next girlfriend.

- What's your name?

- They call me Chip.

You can't get them to stop?

That was funny.

Listen, I understand the courage it takes

to walk across a room...

and try to generate a relationship

out of thin air.

- So don't take the following personally.

- You have fantastic eyes.

Thanks. Try to listen.

This is no reflection on you.

I'm just not interested.

But thank you for the compliment

of coming over.

You're welcome.

So do you like Cuban food?

Chip, seriously, that was not code for,

"I wish you'd try harder. "

Are you always so shut-down and afraid

that the right man might make you...

Feel like a natural woman?

Sorry I'm late, honey.

I couldn't get a cab. How was the meeting?

Well, there was a beginning,

a middle, and an end.

Nice to meet you, Chip.

You, too.

On the one hand,

it is very difficult for a man...

to even speak to someone

who looks like you.

But on the other hand,

should that be your problem?

So life's kind of hard all around.

Not if you pay attention.

You're sending all the right signals:

No earrings, heels under two inches,

your hair is pulled back...

wearing reading glasses with no book,

drinking a Grey Goose martini...

which means you had a hell of a week

and a beer just wouldn't do it.

If that wasn't clear enough...

there's always the "f*** off"

that you have stamped on your forehead.

Who'd believe there's a man out there

that can sit by a woman he doesn't know...

and genuinely be interested in who she is,

what she does, without his own agenda?

I wouldn't even know

what that would look like.

So what would a guy like that say?

He'd say, "My name is Alex Hitchens

and I'm a consultant. "

But she wouldn't be interested in that...

because she'd be counting the seconds

until he left.

Thinking he was like every other guy.

Which, life experience has taught her,

is a virtual certainty.

But then he'd ask her name

and what she did for a living...

and she might blow him off.

Or she might say...

I'm Sara Melas.

I run the gossip column at the Standard.

And then he'd ask

all these penetrating questions about her...

because he was sincerely,

if atypically, interested.

No.

- No?

- He'd be interested.

But he'd see that there was no way...

he could possibly make her realize

that he was for real.

Well, he could be funny and charming

and refreshingly original.

Wouldn't help.

- Don't you hate it when that happens?

- Not really.

They'd both probably go on

to lead the lives they were headed toward.

My guess is they'd do just fine.

It's a pleasure to have met you, Sara Melas.

Grey Goose martini

from the gentleman who just left.

Is that for me?

What?

Vance Munson. Sorry I'm late.

No, not a problem.

Wow, you're the...

- Can I get you something to drink, Mr...

- No, I'm fine, thank you.

So, tell me about her.

Have you ever met someone...

and you knew right away

she was gonna be important to you?

Not just because of her looks,

but that X factor.

How'd you meet her?

Actually, I was in a shop

buying pajamas for my mom.

And by that, of course, you mean...

you were buying lingerie

for another woman.

Yes. You can't help

where you meet somebody.

And the lingerie is for a woman

I'm no longer seeing.

But anyway, the girl I met,

the one I was talking about...

she's so sweet, funny, Southern.

She gives me her number.

Now she won't return my phone calls.

I don't know what it is about her.

I just can't get her out of my mind.

You know, food has lost its taste.

Colors, they seem dull.

Things that used to matter...

I don't know, they just no longer do.

I think things aren't gonna snap back

unless I...

Unless I bang her.

Excuse me?

You know, bang her. Clear my head.

Get in, get off, get out.

I think you may have misunderstood

what I do exactly.

No, I was told you help guys get in there.

Right. But, see, here's the thing.

My clients actually like women.

Hit it and quit it is not my thing.

Let me make one thing clear to you, rabbi.

I need professional help.

Well, that is for damn certain.

And I'm glad you can admit it

because generally that's the hardest part.

You see what I'm doing?

This is what I'm about.

Power suit, power tie, power steering.

People can wince, cry, beg,

but eventually they do what I want.

So that's, like, a metaphor.

Well, I'm more of a literal kind of guy.

So when I do this...

this is more like me saying

that I will literally break your sh*t off...

if you ever touch me again. Okay, pumpkin?

Got it.

No.

Pablo, I can't just mention your restaurant.

Somebody has to eat there.

No, somebody famous. You know that.

- Sara Melas?

- No.

Okay. Bye.

I need your signature.

I hate it when a guy calls a girl

who did not give him her number.

So this is me not calling. Over.

Yes, you're right.

This is much less invasive.

I've been thinking about

that sign on your forehead.

And I was wondering if you'd mind

taking it down for dinner Friday night. Over.

I can't. I have a couple of parties

I have to hit.

Gossip never sleeps.

Not till about 4:00 a. m.

Saturday.

I have a date.

Do you know the definition

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