Hitch Page #4

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of "perseverance," Miss Melas?

An excuse to be obnoxious?

Continuing in a course of action...

without regard to discouragement,

opposition or previous failure. Over.

Okay, Webster, how do I get rid of you?

Breakfast, Sunday.

And you can barely even call that a date.

You do that with out-of-town relatives

that you don't even like. Over.

Come on.

Okay, I guess I could do Sunday.

You forgot to say "over. " Over.

This conversation's over

as soon as you tell me when and where.

I don't do 7:
00 a. m.

- Hello?

- Sign here.

- What?

- You said Sunday, right?

Yeah.

What if I would have said Friday?

Sunday.

So I guess you're not going to church.

Do you really expect me to wear this?

Itll be awful cold out there without it.

- Good morning.

- "Good" would have been at 10:00.

You're a lot taller than I remember.

You ever ride one of these?

Not on the Hudson.

So, what do you wanna do?

Race me around the Statue of Liberty?

If there's time.

- But you might need these.

- All right.

- Bam.

- Wow.

How do I look?

Fabulous.

All right, I give.

Where do I change?

So we'll go past the wall, then take a left.

It's pretty much a straight shot from there.

- Straight shot to where?

- That's for me to know and you to find out.

What you do with these babies is...

Yeah, what I do with this baby

is kick your ass.

- What happened? You change your mind?

- It just died.

Did you put gas in it?

No. You know, I think it must have

sucked up a diaper or something.

Gross. Try it again.

You want me to call AAA?

Come on around

and let me hop on with you.

I don't know. What if you break mine, too?

Then we'll both be sitting ducks.

- I didn't break it. It just died.

- Yeah, yeah.

All right, hop on.

- Scoot back.

- Hitch, I'm already here.

But you don't know where we're going.

Why don't you tell me?

Then we'll both know.

Man, male egos.

I don't know how you guys

make it through the day with them.

What? It is not my ego.

I just don't want to ruin the surprise.

I'm sorry. Are you all right?

There. I always keep a few of those around.

Thank you.

I have lower back trouble.

I just shove the ice packs right down there.

No. That's a fresh one.

So, Ellis Island.

I have to admit, I have lived in New York

my whole life and I've never been here.

I figured that. Most people haven't.

So I got my man Larry here

to set us up a private tour.

- Great!

- Anything for Hitch.

It was originally known as Oyster Island.

The island was expanded

to its present size...

with dirt removed during the construction

of the New York subway system.

- Are you serious?

- Yes.

- Did you know this?

- Yeah. That's why I brought you here.

In fact, over 100 million Americans

can trace their ancestry...

back to a single man, woman, or child

on the ship's manifest...

to an inspector's ledger.

By 1910, 75% of the residents of New York...

Chicago, Detroit, Cleveland, and Boston...

were immigrants,

or the children of immigrants.

They generally lived

in the poorest sections of the cities...

in Little Italys, Chinatowns

and other ethnic enclaves.

It's called The Kissing Post.

The plaque explains how different cultures

kiss after long absences.

Now, what exactly would qualify

as a long absence?

I mean...

- That count?

- No.

I actually had a relative come through here.

- Really?

- Yeah.

What?

- What?

- What was that thing?

No. You know, I was just thinking...

you can't really know where you're going

until you know where you've been.

- Ain't that right, Larry?

- Amen, brother.

That's kind of deep for a first date,

don't you think?

What is that?

Oh, my God!

That's my great-great-grandfather.

That's his signature.

Jesus, it's right here!

How did you know?

Hitch did the search. I just found the page.

I'm sorry.

I saw that going differently in my mind.

So my family never saw him again.

Well, except for on the Wanted posters.

Look, I'm really sorry.

When I saw it on the computer,

it said, "the Butcher of Cdiz. "

I thought it was a profession,

not a headline.

It's just one of those horrible family legacies

we've all tried to forget.

But thank you.

No, it was...

- A train wreck.

- No.

Let me get you a cab.

Thanks.

- Bye.

- Bye-bye.

Taxi!

Poor guy.

Sounds like he went to a lot of trouble.

It was fun. In a disastrous kind of way.

I mean, this isn't exactly a hickey.

At least you got a good story

out of it, right?

Right?

- You should try mine, it's great.

- Wait. You're seeing him again?

Well, look, you said that

I'm always expecting men...

to let me down, right?

Assuming that they're gonna fail?

Which he did.

Yeah, but he did it with flair.

I mean, Case, he really tanked.

And that's a desirable trait?

Yeah. Weird, huh?

Now, just keep it simple.

Just like we practiced.

We're just leaving a message.

Women like Allegra Cole

don't pick up numbers they don't recognize.

Hello?

She's on the phone!

- Yes. Hello, Miss Cole?

- Yeah.

Hi, I have Albert Brennaman for you.

- One moment, please.

- No. Tell her I'm at lunch.

We called her to tell her you're at lunch?

Allegra. Hi, it's Albert Brennaman.

Hi, how are you?

Good. I'm doing good.

The reason I'm calling

is about our appointment this Wednesday.

Not gonna be able to make it.

Well, when can you make it?

When can I do it?

I don't even know,

because my whole next week is slammed.

Right. But it's all good.

No, we're gonna make it happen though,

that's for sure.

We're going to make it happen. Yes.

What's going on over there?

Just moving some things around.

Sky Studios.

Tonight I'm actually going

to this fashion thing at Sky Studios.

Designer friend.

I just thought it might be something

your designer friend would be interested in.

Yeah, definitely.

Well, great.

Then I will put you back on with my...

- Allegra, over here, please.

- Miss Cole, this way.

Great. One more.

- Hi, there.

- This was a fantastic idea.

I suppose. Hey, where's Maggie?

Late as usual.

Tonight I want you to meditate

on the image of an iceberg.

Do you know why I want you to do that?

Because I'm cool?

- No.

- I know, I'm not.

I'm saying that you are an iceberg...

in that over 90% of your mass

is below the surface.

I know I'm heavy. I am.

I'm talking about who you are.

It's a metaphor.

Accounting, business...

all of that is just a small part

of a much deeper, richer Albert.

One more.

It's gonna be loud in there...

so this is our opportunity

to break the touch barrier...

in a non-sleazy way.

So get to where it's loudest.

Ask her if she'd like a drink.

Lean in, place your hand

on the small of her back...

and say it in her ear like a secret.

Watch your hand placement.

Too high says, "I just wanna be friends. "

Too low says, "I just wanna grab some ass. "

Friends. Ass. Me.

Special issues:
Allegra Cole is a celebrity...

which means that when people talk to her,

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