Hitch Page #5

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they'll ignore you completely.

She's classy, so she'll introduce you.

When she does, shake hands hard

and speak up. Let them know you're there.

Show her you can handle being her escort.

- Egon, this is Albert.

- How you doing?

- Albert, this is Zak.

- Nice to see you.

These guys are friends with Maggie.

- Been to that new Brazilian restaurant?

- No, but I am...

It's disgusting.

I'm writing an article about it.

Did you see the new installation at MOMA?

- Yes, did you think...

- Disgusting.

Women can always tell

when you're not being real with them.

Worst thing you can do is try to fake it,

because you are a great guy.

And you do have something

to offer Allegra that no other man does.

What was your name? Eggnog?

Egon.

What do you think of the design of the Jets'

new football stadium on the West Side?

Let me guess. Disgusting?

Think it over. We'll be back.

Thank you. I can't stand those guys.

Really? I kind of liked them.

But when all is said and done...

tonight is not about Allegra.

- It's not?

- No. Tonight is about Maggie.

A woman's best friend has to sign off

on all big relationship decisions.

So you can't afford to mess this up.

Albert, I want you to meet

my friend, Maggie.

Hi, Maggie.

It's an absolute pleasure to meet you.

I'm Maggie.

- No, you're not.

- Actually, I am.

Magnus Forester.

Thank you so much for inviting us.

- You have very soft hands.

- Thank you.

- Wow. So do you.

- Thank you.

So tonight, you focus on one thing

and one thing only.

Maggie.

- Where does your inspiration come from?

- Oh, my God.

Anything I see.

Something in a magazine,

out on the street...

in an old movie.

The receptive nature of the creative facility

just astounds me.

Anybody want any spring rolls?

That's a beautiful tie, by the way.

This whole thing, it just works.

Thank you.

- Is he gay?

- I don't think so.

I like him.

About the deejay.

Generally, I have a firm no-dancing policy.

But if she asks, you cannot say no.

I'm not worried about dancing.

But if there are people there...

I'm sorry, I hate to be a stickler,

but I need to be thorough.

Show me what you mean

by you're not worried about it.

Trust me. You know what I'm gonna do.

That's what it's all about, right there.

See how it gets bigger?

Now I'm gonna start the fire.

But the feet are going.

I start the fire, I make the pizza.

Hips are always going.

Can't get enough hip.

From there, the Q-Tip.

Q-Tip. Throw it away.

That's not working, hit them with this.

Don't ever...

do that again.

Do you hear me?

- Just expressing myself.

- No.

Not like that, you're not, all right?

This is where you live.

Right here.

You live right here, okay? This is home.

None of this.

I don't wanna see none of that.

Don't need no pizza. They got food there.

Elbows, 6 inches from the waist,

Don't you bite your lip. Stop it.

Women relate dancing to sex, all right?

Even a great dancer can lose it

with one of these.

Okay, now that's what I need to be learning.

Can't stop it.

You cannot stop it.

Next subject.

Get out.

Thanks.

So, are you a Knicks fan?

When they're good.

- I'm really sorry.

- Oh, God. Why?

- She was there?

- I left you a bunch of messages.

My phone fell in the Hudson.

Yeah, well, it gets worse.

I don't believe this.

- I thought he was a bodyguard.

- I'm the only one who will need protection.

- Max is gonna...

- Gonna be really irritated.

When I got the train this morning,

I thought it was gonna be a good day.

Who the hell is Albert Brennaman?

- Tell me how this happened.

- What? There were some photographers.

Does this even look like dancing to you?

That's just a little bit of me being me.

No, that's you being a lot of something

you don't need to ever be again.

- It's just one dance.

- No.

One dance, one look, one kiss.

That's all we get, Albert.

Just one shot to make the difference...

between happily ever after and:

"Oh, he's just some guy

I went to some thing with once. "

All right?

- What?

- You said "kiss. "

Is that a problem?

It's not a problem, but this is Allegra Cole.

Eight out of 10 women believe

that the first kiss...

will tell them everything they need to know

about a relationship.

And believe me,

she has definitely thought about it.

- She has?

- Of course.

Not that she's gonna act on it.

So it's no real big deal.

- All right, it's no big deal then.

- It's a very big deal!

- Huge.

- Monumental!

You are not listening...

I need you to wrap your head around this.

Tomorrow night, Allegra Cole...

could have her last first kiss.

All right, come on,

just show me what you got.

- What do you mean?

- Just show me how you would kiss me.

I wouldn't kiss you.

I'm not me, I'm Allegra.

But you're really not, so...

Okay, Albert, end of the night,

you're dropping me off at home.

- Show me the magic.

- I'm not comfortable with this.

God, Albert,

I had such a wonderful time with you.

Yeah, how about those Knicks?

You see what I'm doing?

This is a signal. I'm fiddling with my keys.

A woman that doesn't want a kiss...

takes her keys out, puts them in the door,

goes in the house.

A woman that wants to kiss, she fiddles.

I'm fiddling.

Okay, you have a good night now...

- You see what I'm doing?

- Robbing me?

No.

This is what most guys do.

They rush in to take the kiss.

But you're not most guys.

See, the secret to a kiss

is to go 90% of the way...

and then hold.

- For how long?

- As long as it takes...

for her to come the other 10%.

Okay, 90%-10%. Got it.

Okay, come on. Shake it off. It's your turn.

I had a really nice time tonight, Albert.

I had a great time tonight, too, Allegra...

with a beard.

What's up?

- I'm not feeling it.

- What do you mean? I came 90%.

I'm not feeling like you want it.

Look, I'm Allegra Cole,

the woman of your dreams.

The woman whose green eyes

are limpid pools of desire.

Now, show me the magic, Albert.

- What the hell was that?

- I'm showing you the magic!

No, I said come 90% and then I come 10%!

You don't go the whole 100%!

My mouth was open, Albert.

You overeager son of a...

Other than that, how was it?

They came together, they danced together,

and they left together.

He's cute, in a sheepdog kind of way.

For all I know, he's adorable.

But him dating her is...

You seem stressed.

You and I had an understanding.

If you invite Allegra,

you're supposed to call me.

I didn't invite her.

Honestly, sweetie,

I thought she was still in Europe.

- So you invited Albert?

- No.

Look, it says here the tickets

went to some guy named Alex Hitchens.

What?

Machine.

Hi, it's Sara.

I just wanted to say thank you...

for an unforgettable experience...

the other day.

And if you ever want to see

your shirt again...

you can come by

the Fulton Fish Market tonight, around 8:00.

Okay, bye.

- Do you think he'll show?

- Yeah.

He's too much of a player

to have a bad date on his record.

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