Hitch Page #6

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Is this a source or a date?

A source.

Well, it sounded like a date.

Well, it was supposed to.

So it looks like a date

and it sounds like a date...

- but it's not a date.

- Yeah. Right.

Just checking.

Hi. I wasn't sure you got my message.

I wasn't sure you called the right guy.

You must be a glutton for punishment.

Either that or I really wanna pay you back.

I think this is yours.

Thank you.

I'm gonna frame this for my wall of shame.

Really? There's a whole wall?

So what are we getting into?

Ever been to a food rave before?

Happens once a month, all around the city.

Different chefs, different venues.

You any good in the kitchen?

I can stand the heat,

if that's what you mean.

Good. Because that's my boss

and his wife right over there.

Interesting.

Well, here's a concept:

We're paying to cook our own food.

Here's another concept:

Shut up. It's an evening out.

The longer you're married,

the less you go out.

In a couple of years, we're gonna end up

bricked into our apartment like a Poe story.

So, Louise, are you

in the newspaper business, also?

No, I'm a psychiatrist.

Well, that's the last thing

I'm gonna say tonight.

So, Sara, you never told me.

How was the Sky Studio fashion thing

you went to the other night?

Did you meet anyone worth mentioning?

No.

Really? I find that very odd.

- Max.

- I think you're being odd.

Well, I'm always odd.

It's why you married me.

And it's why I married you.

Speaking of which, Hitch...

what exactly are your intentions

for the lovely Sara?

Wait, you know what?

Actually, there was someone.

I think I met your friends Albert and Allegra.

- My friends who and who?

- Allegra Cole?

Really? How do you know her?

- I don't.

- So you know Albert?

- Knew.

- He had your tickets.

I mean, how well do you really

know your accountant?

April 15, and then you don't see him again

till April 15.

Ladies and gentlemen...

a coquille St. Jacques

with a lemon butter reduction.

- Compliments of our chef.

- Thank you.

I'm sure you're really gonna enjoy this.

That's really good.

I'm very impressed.

Why is that?

Around these two, people usually can't wait

to name-drop and dish their friends...

and you're being all discreet.

Yeah, it's quite endearing.

Actually, it is.

So why don't we change the subject?

- Are you all right?

- Yeah. No, I'm fine.

So Sara tells me

that you're a consultant, Hitch.

Yeah, mostly marketing, little advertising,

brand management.

I have no idea what that means.

No one does.

That's why I get to charge so much.

Are you sure you're all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Is it itchy in here or is it just me?

- I know what's happening.

- No.

You think that I'm in a stressful state...

because I'm trying to make

a good impression...

while also dealing

with my commitment issues...

trying to avoid

all these awkward conversations.

No, I think you have food allergies.

- Wow.

- What?

- Benadryl. Where's the Benadryl?

- Aisle 2.

- Which one's Aisle 2?

- The one with the big 2 over it.

Sara, I'm fine.

- You sure it's in Aisle 2?

- No.

Really, it is not that serious.

Benadryl.

- A lot of Benadryl. A lot.

- What? Are you...

Coquille St. Jacques. Death on a leaf!

Come on!

Okay, we're doing fine.

Just a couple more blocks

and you get to lie down.

Wait, who sings that song again?

Oh, girl. Earth, Wind & Fire.

You should let them sing it.

I bet this would be great on the rocks.

It's good, right?

I bet I can ask you

just about anything right now.

No.

I'm a vault, baby. Locked down.

What is an heiress doing with a CPA?

They're going to the Knicks game.

Yep, Fort Knox.

He loves her so much!

I'm sure he does.

I'm telling you, people search

their whole lives trying to find the...

Reasons that we're here

I wouldn't know.

You would if you saw it.

Sometimes it's really hard

to see the forest through the sleaze.

What about you? You ever been in love?

Yep.

But you're never gonna know that.

Okay, I think you've had enough

of the juice box.

Let's go.

This is some place.

You live here alone?

Yeah. I actually prefer it that way.

What about you?

I haven't had a roommate since college,

and he upped and married my sister.

- Really?

- Yeah, they're gonna have a baby soon.

Uncle Hitch.

Thank you.

- So, how do you feel?

- Good.

Relaxed.

So what about you? Any siblings?

Sister. Maria. Lives in D.C.

Younger, right?

I could hear it in your voice.

Sort of an innate protective thing.

Yeah, I guess.

What?

She almost died once.

I was 10.

We were skating on the pond

behind our house...

and she fell through the ice.

My dad pulled her out.

Gave her mouth-to-mouth.

Longest three minutes of my life.

Yeah, I'm sure.

I don't think I've ever really gotten over it.

Kind of defines you, doesn't it?

You know like,

one moment you're gliding along...

the next moment you're standing in the rain

watching your life fall apart.

Except it was snow.

Yeah. That's what I said, "snow. "

You said "rain. "

Some kind of precipitation.

Is that what happened to you?

Nothing as dramatic

as falling through the ice.

You know...

it definitely...

Left a scar?

Yeah.

I guess it's best just not to love at all, right?

Or skate.

Are you here?

Sara, you're such an idiot! You moron!

What the hell did you think?

You're so stupid! You gotta learn, Sara.

- When are you gonna learn...

- Should I come back later?

Hi. I thought you left.

Well, I did,

but then I came back with breakfast.

I figured it was the least that I could do.

I didn't know what you were drinking...

so I got a grande cap, a latte,

an Earl Grey tea...

and something with "chai" in the title.

Tea for me.

Tea. Yes! I was hoping you'd say that.

Oh, God.

You're a morning person, aren't you?

Well, like I always tell my clients:

Begin each day as if it were on purpose.

- Wow. Beautiful day.

- Yeah.

- Beautiful girl.

- Thank you.

Well, I'm this way.

I'm that way.

Give me a ring sometime.

I mean, on the phone.

No, I definitely will.

Good.

I gotta go to work.

Bye.

Goodbye.

Can you believe what a beautiful day it is...

not?

- What's wrong, pumpkin?

- I'm so stupid.

I ignored your advice. I went on that date.

With who?

Not the lingerie guy.

Vance Munson. And you're right,

there's no way he ever had a mother.

That bad?

He took me to Scalinatella,

and he was affectionate and sweet.

He told me all these intimate things,

like how he can't taste food...

and he wants three kids.

So you slept with him.

I never seen anybody get dressed that fast.

Case, I'm so sorry.

- Maybe I'll just die alone after all.

- No, you won't.

You'll meet a great guy with a great smile

and you'll travel the world together.

Who are you? Where's my best friend?

It's true. He just hasn't found you yet.

But he will.

Just as he's leaving, guess what he says:

"Date Doctor, my ass. "

- What does that mean?

- It means he's really out there.

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