Hitch Page #7

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And if I ever meet him, the only date

he's gonna need is with a real doctor.

That's him.

Vance, is that you?

Yeah, hey there, beautiful.

Sara Melas, from the Standard.

I'd like to discuss

the dating consultant you hired...

before you went out with Casey Sedgewick.

You don't wanna talk, that's fine.

I'm going to write this anyway.

You just earned yourself a photo

with a boldface caption.

What? Nice.

I can only imagine how the trading

floor guys will react when they see this.

You have no proof, no facts.

Vance, I'm a gossip columnist, not the DA.

Okay, how much will it cost me

to stay out of this?

I don't want money. I want a name.

- I don't know his name.

- Well, what do you know?

I know this.

All this for a lousy lay.

Are we satisfied?

Almost.

No, you... You got to be...

Is this really necessary?

Have you seen your back?

No, but I see my front and maybe

we should be starting with some sit-ups.

God! Mother of Troy!

Hello?

That's crazy.

Just hearing your voice makes me smile.

How are you?

I'm good, I think.

No, actually, you know what?

I feel a little strange.

I'm good.

Sweet Georgia Brown!

What was that?

No, that's just some guy screaming.

Listen, is there any context...

under which you'd consider facial edema

and pharmaceutical intervention a date?

Probably not.

How about a do-over?

- What do you have in mind?

- Dinner, my place.

Because obviously going anywhere public

with you is out of the question.

God! That's it. I don't like you very much.

What is that?

Wait, I'm getting up.

It's like one of those makeover shows.

- That's a makeover show?

- It's Danish.

Almost done!

Friday?

Can't. I told a friend I'd go speed dating.

You know, for moral support.

But tomorrow I'm free.

Great. All right, 8:00?

Great.

- All right. Bye-bye.

- Bye.

- See, it wasn't so bad, was it?

- God!

Ball is back in play

after a 20-second timeout.

Knicks lead the Grizzlies, 12-6,

here early in the first quarter.

- So this is what this feels like?

- "This" being?

Great seats, great game.

Great date.

I mean, sort of.

To me, it feels like a...

- Date?

- Yeah.

Look at her. She looks so happy.

How does a guy like that end up

with a girl like her?

I am so jealous.

I've always wanted to be able to do that.

Really? Tonight is your lucky night.

Let's see what you got.

Okay. You ready?

- Oh, God. I'm sorry.

- It's fine.

Knicks off to a great start...

All right, here's how it works.

Central Park Zoo, tomorrow, noon,

by the sea lions.

No, don't worry. I'll find you.

All right. Thank you.

It's all right. I'm sorry.

Damn me.

That was it! You got it. Do it again.

Look how cute they are.

Thanks.

I had a great time tonight, Albert.

I had a great time, too, Allegra.

Good night.

Good night, Albert.

- Allegra.

- Yes?

Hold on.

I like your lips.

They seem to like you, too.

Good night.

Good night.

- Anything?

- Not yet.

But I got some great shots

of you biting your nails.

Well, it's a big story.

- Incoming.

- Really?

Yep. They're shaking hands.

This is so great. I can't wait to nail this guy.

Make sure you get a good shot of his face.

- What's he look like?

- Tall, dark, and handsome.

Basic principles:

No matter what, no matter who,

no matter when.

This is killing me.

Geoff is managing to play it straight.

How long have you been in love with her?

Her? About two-and-a-half years.

Take a look.

- How'd you get my card?

- Albert Brennaman.

- Great guy, isn't he?

- Excellent guy.

What? Sara.

- Pleasure to meet you, Geoff.

- Hey, what...

- How'd you get my card?

- Albert Brennaman.

- Great guy, isn't he?

- Excellent guy.

You sure you want to do this?

Why wouldn't I?

Louise made an interesting observation

on the way home the other night.

She said people who are guarded

are afraid...

that you can see right through them.

That's why they hide behind

layers of secrecy or humor.

He'll have to hide behind a lot more

than that once this hits the fan.

She meant you.

What do you want me to say?

That I like the guy?

Yeah, sure, I liked the guy.

Well, here's his shirt.

- Why don't you think about it? Call me.

- Thanks.

Papi, Sara Melas is here to see you.

Thanks a lot, Raoul. Send her up.

And stop calling me papi.

Well, aren't you a sight for sore eyes.

I believe this belongs to you.

Yeah, this thing is like a bad penny.

Wow!

So this is it.

Yeah, this is it.

Business must be good.

Well, it has its rewards.

I'll bet.

Tough day?

You could say that.

Well, you know what?

You can just sit back and relax.

I got this all covered.

Spanish wine!

How thoughtful are we?

- Here, let me pour that for you.

- No, that's okay.

- You want some?

- Sure.

So, Hitch.

Is that a noun or a verb?

I guess it depends.

Let's see, what should we toast to?

Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink.

But if you must lie,

lie in the arms of the one you love.

If you must steal,

steal away from bad company.

If you must cheat, cheat death.

And if you must drink...

drink in the moments

that take your breath away.

Did you just make that up?

Make yourself at home.

I'm gonna check on the risotto.

Look at this! Which one's the music?

It does lights, too?

Let me help you out with that.

Now, this is nifty.

What are you doing?

How does it work, exactly?

Well, usually you have dinner,

then you have dessert.

No, I mean your thriving business.

I don't do interviews.

But if you'd like to get back to the evening,

I'd be happy to sit and talk.

Great idea. You start.

Well, maybe I would if you weren't snarling.

What if I told you...

that I know exactly what you do

and how you do it?

And I think it's despicable!

You know what?

We might need to go out to dinner.

There's a great seafood restaurant

I'd love to take you to.

How about you just get a cleaver, butcher?

- Maybe I will!

- What the hell is wrong with you?

Nothing a front-page story can't cure.

So that's what this is all about?

Albert and Allegra

on the front of your crap-ass newspaper?

- You put them there!

- No, you did!

No, he did! The minute he called you!

Dr. Hitch. Listen to me, papi.

I need to bring my partner, Amir,

somewhere amazing for our anniversary.

Maybe it's not your thing, but maybe it is.

What the hell are you talking about, Raoul?

It's you, no?

So, my friend, how was she? Pretty good?

How was she? I'll tell you! She was great!

Isn't that the Date Doctor?

- I'm telling you, that's him.

- He doesn't look anything like him.

- Excuse me. Do you know him?

- No.

I want you to look me in the eye

and tell me that he did not hire you.

Ma'am, I have never seen this man

before in my life.

See you later, Tony.

Tony? You have got

some serious explaining to do.

Albert. Hitch. You all right?

I can't really talk right now.

I'm kind of tied up.

One, two. On three.

Women will remain seated.

Men will rotate to the left at the buzzer.

You get two minutes each,

four minutes total.

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