Hitch Page #8

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So trade your talk time when you hear...

the gong.

If it's mutual, you get numbers.

If not, better luck next time, okay?

Ladies, take your seats.

Case, you are a living testimonial

to the triumph of hope over experience.

Thanks for coming.

I know it's lame. I'm sure it's the last thing

you feel like doing.

I really prefer Rachmaninoff

to the heavier romantic composers.

But despite the pan-Germanic

anti-Semitism...

I'd still have to say my favorite is Wagner.

- Nice talking to you.

- Thank you. Bye.

Bye.

Excuse me.

That's my seat, man.

My name is Ron. I'm 28.

Albert Brennaman is a good man.

In fact, Albert Brennaman is a great man.

I just got out of a five-year relationship.

I'm a lot of fun at parties. I like dogs...

And then you're mad at me

for what I do for a living?

I've already got your number...

so why don't you go

consult your conscience?

- Albert is in love with her.

- Just like Sebastian?

- Is there a problem?

- No, just one sec.

- What do you have against Allegra anyway?

- Nothing.

My interest is protecting women

from a**holes like you.

I did ice climbing once.

- You don't even know me.

- And whose fault is that?

...the sun comes up,

the ice really starts to fall apart.

I bet. I'm sorry.

- Do you know this guy?

- Apparently not.

You're in my seat.

You really...

I'm doing you a favor, believe me.

Basically, I like outdoor sports.

But indoor sports have their place, too.

There are certain aspects of my job

that are secretive.

And my job is to try to find the truth.

The truth? You wouldn't know the truth

if it kicked you in the head.

If Albert Brennaman has to take a fall for it,

so be it.

Why don't you say

what's really pissing you off?

I've been waiting to talk to her...

- You want to sit down? Here you go. Gong!

- Thank you.

Excuse me.

Hi. Actually, you're not supposed to move.

I'm Alex Hitchens. No, it's okay. Go.

- I'm Casey.

- Hi, Casey.

I work for a small publishing house

in the press department...

which isn't actually where I want to be.

But it's a good house...

You handled me. You manipulated me.

You researched me and you showed me

my great-grandfather's signature.

Wait. You're Ellis Island?

- I thought that was real sweet.

- Thank you.

Case, you're not helping.

Excuse me, I'm on a date.

Does it ever occur to women

that maybe a guy might like to have a plan...

because he's nervous?

He's not sure that he could just

walk up to you and you'd respond if he said:

"I like you. "

- That sounds good to me.

- True, you can't tell them you like them.

- I tried that. It didn't go well.

- I've crashed and burned on that.

That is what you did, and I did like you!

I just didn't know I was being worked over

by some professional.

He doesn't have a badge.

The only time he was sincere

or spontaneous...

was when everything was going wrong

or when you were stoned out of your head.

- I'm sorry to interrupt. Do I know you?

- No, I don't think so.

- You wanna see me be spontaneous?

- Sure, you want a Benadryl?

This is really kind of distracting.

And I haven't gotten laid in a year!

We're sorry.

Why don't you guys get back to your date?

Or go somewhere.

Maybe from the bank?

If this doesn't work out, call him.

He might hook you up with Paris Hilton.

Wait, that's it. You're the Date Doctor, right?

- You're the Date Doctor?

- Do we have a problem here?

Yeah, a big one!

What the hell did I ever do to you?

Am I missing something?

Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

Why don't you go hit a titty bar

with your buddy Vance?

Wow.

I don't believe this.

That's your source?

You buried yourself, Alex.

Then you weren't listening.

I heard every word.

You're a scam artist.

- You trick women into getting...

- Into getting out of their own way...

so great guys like Albert Brennaman

have a fighting chance.

No, I want everybody

to take a good look at this right now.

Because this right here...

this is exactly why falling in love

is so goddamn hard.

Sir, let's go. Now.

And Vance Munson is a pig!

And I refused to work with him.

You need to get your facts right.

It's because of jerks like him

that I even have a job.

Had a job.

Can you believe that guy?

Actually, I do.

You...

complete me.

- I might just have...

- Shut up.

Just shut up.

You had me at "hello. "

No comment.

This is off the record.

I came to apologize.

I made some assumptions about you...

based on nothing, it turns out.

- I guess Casey's right. My best friend...

- Don't worry about it. We're straight.

I should've asked you.

But sometimes you're so guarded.

I just don't wanna be another reason

for you to...

I'm not someone who likes to get involved

past a certain point.

And that point was about a week ago.

Well, I just want to say I'm really sorry...

and I didn't mean to hurt you.

You didn't.

That's a relief.

- Hey, fella.

- Yeah, good. You?

What you got there?

This? I figured maybe if my heart

stops beating, it wouldn't hurt so much.

She hasn't called back?

You want some coffee?

I want you to fix it.

I got nothing, Albert.

You wanna do something?

We should get out tonight.

Honestly, I never knew I could feel like this.

I swear I'm going out of my mind.

I wanna throw myself off

of every building in New York.

I see a cab and I wanna dive in front of it,

because then I'll stop thinking about her.

Look, you will. Just give it time.

That's just it. I don't want to.

I've waited my whole life

to feel this miserable.

If this is the only way

I can stay connected with her...

then this is who I have to be.

No, you don't.

You can change, you can adapt.

You can make it

so you don't ever have to feel like this.

Ever again.

Oh, my God. You just don't get it, do you?

I get it.

Let me get this straight.

You're selling this stuff,

but you don't believe in your own product.

- Love is my life.

- No. Love is your job.

You wanna jump out a plane

without a chute, be my guest.

But forgive me if I don't join you.

This isn't about love for you at all, is it?

This whole time, I thought I was the coward.

- Where you going?

- Skydiving.

Taxi!

Mr. Hitchens.

Miss Cole,

thank you very much for seeing me.

You said it was a matter of life and death.

That man would've sold his soul

to make you happy.

So what does that make you, the devil?

My job is not to deceive, Miss Cole.

It's to create opportunities.

Like the boardroom.

- Would you have noticed him otherwise?

- Yes.

- Really?

- Eventually.

Maybe.

How did you know all that stuff about me?

Well, you really did your homework.

Like at boarding school when everyone

used to tease me because I couldn't whistle.

And having him dance like a buffoon

knowing that I can't dance, either.

Then telling him to drop mustard

on his shirt, so I'd feel less like a dork.

That was all you, right?

No. Hell, no.

That was him?

That's got Albert written all over it.

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