Hollywood Sex Wars

( match lights )

Max:
THERE'S A WAR GOING ON

EVERY NIGHT IN HOLLYWOOD.

( dance music playing )

BOYS TRYING TO GET LAID.

AND GIRLS TRYING

TO GET PAID.

( cash register dings )

NOW MOS BACHELOR PARTIES SUCK.

IT'S JUST A BUNCH

OF DRUNKEN DUDES

HUDDLED AROUND:

A SKANKY STRIPPER.

BUT THIS ONE:

WAS THE SH*T...

AND ALL BECAUSE OF THIS GUY--

JOHNNY EYELASH.

WHAT'S THE MATTER,

SARAH?

MY SHOE BROKE.

SARAH,

HOLD ON, LOOK.

THERE YOU GO.

( gasps )

YOU'RE THE BEST!

( laughing )

( men chattering )

Max:
THIS IS A STORY

OF LOVE AND ROMANCE...

( men yelling )

AND WHAT COULD BE MORE ROMANTIC

THAN WHORES ON ALL FOURS

WITH STICKS POKING OU OF THEIR ASSES?

( cheering )

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT...

NOTHING!

BUT IT WASN' ALWAYS LIKE THIS.

OH, NO.

COME ON,

LET'S F***.

UH, NO, I CAN'T.

I GOTTA GET UP FOR WORK.

BUT YOU'RE GONNA

TAKE ME HOME, RIGHT?

UH, YEAH, YEAH.

I'M GONNA TAKE YOU HOME.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA TELL

YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT THIS,

ARE YOU?

NO...AND YOU BETTER NO TELL NOBODY, EITHER.

IT LOOK LIKE YOU

WERE ABOUT TO TELL

EVERY GODDAMN BODY.

Max:
THERE'S A CERTAIN TYPE

OF WOMAN IN L.A.

FROM HERE ON OUT,

WE'LL CALL THEM "THE ENEMY."

ACTUALLY, FAHID,

THE LAW IS ON PAGE'S SIDE.

THE INJURY:

WAS SUSTAINED AT WORK,

THUS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.

SHE WAS DRUNK!

SO WHAT?

THERE ARE:

VERY SPECIFIC RULES.

YOU WON'T BE ABLE

TO GET ANY GIRLS

TO WORK HERE FOR MONTHS.

YOU KNOW WE CAN DO IT.

I SAW YOU:

ALL OVER HIM!

IF LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD,

THEN THIS IS THE FRONT LINE.

I WANT MY HAIR!

THAT'S WHAT YOU GET!

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS

FIGHTING ABOUT?

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS?

SHE WENT HOME WITH

MY TUESDAY/THURSDAY,

AND I REALLY LIKED HIM.

SHE WAS STILL:

F***ING WORKING.

YOU'RE FIGHTING

OVER A CUSTOMER?

YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS REALLY

ISN'T ANY OF YOUR F***ING

BUSINESS, ALL RIGHT?

I KNOW,

BUT CAN YOU TALK,

PLEASE.

WHATEVER!

UHH!

GIVE ME BACK MY HAIR!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I HAVEN'T CHECKED MY EMAIL

IN WEEKS.

WHAT?

YOU HAVE AN EMAIL ACCOUNT?

OF COURSE I DO.

WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM?

NOTHING. JUST...

YOU GIRLS ARE FIGHTING

OVER A GUY WHO MOST LIKELY

COULDN'T CARE LESS

ABOUT EITHER ONE OF YOU

EXCEPT FOR TO STICK IT IN.

SHE STARTED IT.

WHAT IS HIS NAME?

SHAWN.

LAST NAME?

UM, I DON'T KNOW,

BUT I KNOW HE WORKS

AT THE BEAUTY BAR.

OH, LOOK.

HERE WE GO.

SHAWN, 6'1",

SOUR MILK BREATH.

YEAH, THAT'S HIM.

THREE STARS IN BED?

LIKE THE RESTAURAN SYSTEM?

NO, SWEETIE, OUT OF TEN.

YEAH.

OH, LOOK...HPV.

YEAH, THAT'S HIM.

WHAT?

( mouths )

THAT MOTHERF***ER.

OOH, LET ME SEE.

OH, MY GOD.

HOW DO YOU KNOW:

ALL THIS STUFF?

WE WERE JUST SO OVER

THE LYING, THE GAMES,

THE CHEATING,

SO WE STARTED A GROUP

WITH OUR FRIENDS

TO LOOK OUT FOR EACH OTHER.

WOW.

THIS THING IS AMAZING.

( crying )

IT WAS...

IT WAS SIX YEARS,

AND...

AND IT ENDED:

SO SUDDENLY.

YEAH, I KNOW,

I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND.

AND I THOUGH THAT THIS WOULD HELP,

BUT IT DOESN'T.

NO, I GET IT. I GET IT.

I WAS WALKING HOME

FROM THE BAR,

AND I SEE THIS CHICK

SITTING AT THE BUS STOP.

SHE WASN'T THE HOTTEST,

BUT SHE WAS OK:

FOR THAT TIME OF NIGHT.

ANYWAY, WE GET TO TALKING,

AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT,

SHE'S COMING HOME WITH ME.

I JUST GOT TO:

GET MY STUFF.

THEN I SEE:

SHE'S GOT THIS BIG PLASTIC BAG

WITH ALL HER STUFF IN IT.

SHE'S A VAGABOND.

SHE'S PUTTING

THE "HO" IN HOMELESS!

BUT I WAKE UP,

AND SHE'S CHECKING

HER EMAIL.

I MEAN,

THAT MAKES SENSE.

I MEAN, WHERE ELSE

SHE GONNA CHECK:

HER EMAIL?

SHE AIN'T GOT NO WIRELESS

INTERNET IN THE BUSHES.

WAIT.

I THINK I'M GONNA BE SICK.

OKAY.

( grunts )

( panting )

THAT IS OUR DATERBASE,

AND ANY TIME ONE OF US

MEETS A GUY,

WE PUT ALL HIS INFORMATION

IN THERE.

OKAY, BUT WHAT FOR?

WE USED TO BE:

JUST LIKE YOU TWO--

YOUNG AND INNOCENT.

RIGHT NOW, YOU'RE PREY

FOR GUYS LIKE HIM.

HE DOESN'T CARE

'CAUSE THERE'S

SO MANY GIRLS IN HOLLYWOOD,

THERE'S NO ACCOUNTABILITY.

BUT ORGANIZED:

AND TOGETHER,

IDIOTS LIKE HIM,

THEY DON'T STAND A CHANCE.

SO IT'S LIKE A TRADE UNION

FOR HOT CHICKS?

WE GOT A SMART ONE HERE,

WENDY.

EXACTLY.

GIVE IT A TRY.

GO OUT THERE RIGHT NOW

AND DO A DOUBLE ACT.

SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

OH, I DON'T KNOW.

GO AHEAD, GO.

WHAT ABOUT YOU, BRO?

WHAT HAPPENED WITH THAT CHICK?

DUDE, SHE WAS FINE.

OHH. YEAH, MAN,

I WAS OUTSIDE WITH HER

AND HER FRIEND, RIGHT?

OH, NO, THE BUSTED ONE?

YEAH, YEAH,

THE BUSTED ONE.

AND, UM, YOU KNOW,

SHE WAS GETTING A TEX FROM SOME DUDE,

AND THEN SHE JUS BROKE OUT,

AND I WAS THERE:

WITH THE FRIEND,

AND SHE SAID SHE LIVED

AROUND THE CORNER,

AND I WAS...

REALLY?

YEAH, MAN, I WAS

TORE UP DRUNK, MAN.

I SAID F*** IT.

YEAH, MAN, I MEAN,

SHE DID HAVE NICE TITS,

THOUGH.

BRO, WE HAVE GO TO DO BETTER.

( belches )

HEY, BRO, WHEN YOU

TAKE THINGIE HOME,

CAN YOU TAKE:

THIS ONE HOME, TOO?

MAYBE HIT A DRIVE-THRU.

OH, YEAH, MAN, I GOT YOU,

BUT WE LEAVING NOW.

OH, HEY,

NICE TO MEET YOU.

HOPE EVERYTHING:

WORKS OUT OKAY.

HEY.

HI.

YEAH, MAN, I GOTTA

TAKE THESE HOS HOME,

MAN.

AW, SH*T!

THAT'S MY NEIGHBOR,

JOHNNY EYELASH,

COMING HOME:

WITH TWO BOMB CHICKS

RIGHT NOW.

HE GOT MORE GAME

THAN A PHEASANT HUNT.

LET'S GO.

HE GONNA CLOWN ME

WHEN HE SEES ME:

WITH THESE GIRLS.

COOL OUT. SQUEEZE THAT.

WE GONNA GO IN A SECOND.

YOU'VE SEEN THE ASS,

NOW FLASH THE CASH.

FOUR TITTIES:

AND THE PRICE OF ONE.

DIG DEEP, GENTLEMEN,

DIG REAL DEEP.

?

? CAN YOU DO IT?

? DO I

? CAN YOU DO IT?

? DO I

? CAN YOU DO IT?

? I, I DON'T THINK YOU CAN

YOU WERE LATE FOR WORK

A MINUTE AGO.

YEAH.

WHAT'S ALL THIS

CLOWNING BUSINESS?

HEY, MAN,

I'M GONNA CALL YOU

BACK, MAN.

IS THIS YOUR HOUSE

OR YOUR PARENTS' HOUSE?

WE CAN ALL LEAVE NOW,

OR I CAN PULL:

THE F***ING FIRE ALARM

ON MY WAY OUT.

ALL RIGHT, FINE.

WOULD YOU ALL:

CHILL OUT?

RELAX, MAN.

YOU ALL AIN'T GO NOWHERE TO BE?

( screaming )

OH, MY GOD!

WE GOT TWENTIES!

I WANT TO JOIN YOUR CLUB.

I WANT TO JOIN YOUR CLUB.

ME TOO!

WHAT'S IT CALLED?

THE NAME IS T.O.B.

T.O.B.?

JUST COME ON SATURDAY,

AND YOU'LL SEE.

OKAY.

WHERE'S YOUR CRAP CAR?

MY HEAD HURTS.

I'M REALLY HUNGRY.

DO YOU HAVE AN ASPIRIN?

MY MOUTH TASTES LIKE ASS.

I F***ING HATE THAT GUY.

JUST GIVE YOUR APPLE,

TELL HER SHE'S PRETTY,

YOU'LL BE FINE.

WHOA, THOSE CHICKS

ARE BUSTED.

GIVES A WHOLE NEW MEANING

TO THE PHRASE:

"WALK OF SHAME," HUH?

HEY, LADIES.

YEAH.

MAX.

WHAT'S UP, MAN?

GOT YOUR HANDS FULL,

HUH, LOVERBOY?

YEAH.

HEY, LATER, MAN.

HERE, UH,

THIS GET YOU, UM,

WHEREVER YOU'RE GOING.

FIVE BUCKS? REALLY?

YEAH. UH, OKAY.

HOW ABOUT THIS? HERE.

VIENNA SAUSAGES?

REALLY?

UM, YEAH.

THEY'RE NON-PERISHABLE.

NO, NO,

I JUST MEAN--

F*** YOU!

ALL RIGHT.

UH, EMAIL ME.

( door slams )

( horn honks )

WHOO!

( indistinct singing )

F*** YOU GUYS!

A**HOLES!

WHAT THE F***'S UP

WITH YOU HAIR TODAY?

WHY YOU ALWAYS TALKING ABOU MY SH*T, MAN? JUST TELL ME

WHAT HAPPENED EARLIER.

OH, ANYWAY, SO,

THESE TWO CHICKS

COME IN, RIGHT?

F***IN' SMOKIN'.

BIG FAKE TITS, YOU KNOW.

AND, UH, YOU KNOW,

I'M BUSY, BUT...

HOW CAN I RESIST?

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