Hollywood Sex Wars Page #2

BUT AS SOON AS THEY LEFT,

I GET THIS FEELING

I'VE BEEN CHUMPED.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

LIKE THEY'RE TRYING TO

PUT ONE OVER ON ME.

LIKE THEY'RE NO REALLY INTO ME,

LIKE THEY'RE PRETENDING.

YEAH.

SO, LATER,

I'M PRINTING UP

THE T-SHIRTS,

IT ALL STARTS:

TO MAKE SENSE.

"WE HOLD THESE TRUTHS

TO BE SELF-EVIDEN

THAT ALL MEN:

ARE CREATED A**HOLES"?

I MEAN, IT'S LIKE THEY

CAN SEE RIGHT THROUGH US.

NOW THEY HAVE WHAT?

MAN-HATING CLUBS?

OH, MY GOD!

OH, GEE!

JESUS,

WATCH WHERE THE F***

YOU'RE GOING!

MAN,

I'M SO SORRY, BROTHER.

ARE YOU OKAY, MAN?

NO, I'M NOT OKAY.

( sniffs )

SMELLS DANK IN THERE, MAN.

I GOT YOU.

WE COOL?

WHAT IS THIS,

A F***ING BAG OF WEED?

ARE YOU KIDDING?

HOW ABOUT YOU CALL

AN AMBULANCE?

NO NEED TO CONCERN

THE AUTHORITIES.

THAT'S NEARLY

HALF AN OUNCE.

COME ON, MAN,

WHAT CAN I DO?

LET'S MAKE THIS RIGHT.

HOW ABOUT YOU LET HER

COME RUB IT BETTER?

DO ME A FAVOR...

DUDE, HE IS ALWAYS

WITH THE BOMB CHICKS.

MAYBE WE CAN GET HIM

TO INTRODUCE US TO SOME.

SH*T, OR MAYBE SHOW US

EVEN HOW HE GE SOME OF THOSE CHICKS.

YEAH, I'M DOWN.

AAH.

WHERE DOES IT HURT?

IT'S RIGHT OVER HERE.

YEAH.

UH, HEY, MAN, I KNOW

HOW YOU CAN HELP US OUT.

ALL RIGHT, NAME IT.

WHY DON'T YOU TEACH US

HOW TO GET WITH CHICKS

LIKE THAT?

SERIOUSLY?

YEAH.

ALL RIGHT.

WHY DON'T YOU GUYS

COME BY LATER,

AND WE'LL FIGURE IT OUT.

Max:
AND JUST LIKE THAT,

JOHNNY EYELASH AGREED

TO BE OUR DRILL INSTRUCTOR.

COME ON, BABY.

WHICH IS GOOD...

MAN, YOUR ASS AIN' EVEN HURT, MAN.

...BECAUSE ACROSS TOWN...

I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE

TO THE FEMALES:

OF THE T.O.B.

OF AMERICA:

AND TO THE METHODS

BY WHICH IT STANDS,

WITH MANIPULATION,

WITH HOT BODS,

IRRESISTIBLE,

WITH LUXURY:

FOR JUST US,

THAT'S ALL!

( cheering )

OKAY, FIRST,

WELCOME, EVERYONE,

AND A SPECIAL HELLO

TO OUR NEW PROSPECTS,

YVONNE AND COURTNEY.

Women:
HI.

WE REALLY HOPE:

THAT YOU'RE GONNA LIKE

WHAT WE'RE ABOUT.

AND A BIG KISS TO LYRIC,

WHO, AS OF LAST WEEK,

IS A FULL TASSEL SISTER.

( cheering )

YEAH!

SO, WHAT? YOU GUYS

CAN'T GET GIRLFRIENDS?

WE DON'T WANT GIRLFRIENDS.

WE WANT TO BANG HOT CHICKS

LIKE YOU.

ALL RIGHT, I'M LISTENIN'.

AND PLUS, MAN,

WE MADE A PAC IN HIGH SCHOOL.

YEAH, WHEN WE WERE 15.

OH, OHH, MY GOD. HO.

MAN, WHEN WE GET OLDER,

WE GONNA BANG CHICKS

LIKE THAT ALL THE TIME.

DEFINITELY. OH.

I MEAN, WE DO OKAY

WITH THE AVERAGE CHICKS,

BUT THOSE, LIKE, SUPER-DUPER

BOMB HOLLYWOOD CHICKS, MAN...

MAN, THEY DON'T EVEN F***

WITH US.

YEAH,

THEY IGNORE US, MAN.

OR MAKE JOKES.

AND IT'S NOT GETTING

ANY EASIER, MAN.

TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.

T.O.B. CLUB.

I'VE HEARD ABOUT THIS.

SEE, WOMEN ARE NATURALLY

MORE DEVIOUS,

BUT IT'S THAT BITCHINESS

THAT USUALLY DIVIDES THEM

AND GIVES US GUY AN ANGLE.

DUDE, YOU SHOULD HAVE

SEEN THE TITS:

ON THE GIRLS:

THAT LEFT THAT WITH ME.

NOW THEY'RE GETTING ORGANIZED.

THIS DOESN'T BODE WELL.

REGULAR GUYS LIKE YOU

DON'T STAND A CHANCE.

THAT'S WHY WE

NEED YOUR HELP.

DUDE, COME ON,

JUST PASS ON YOUR WISDOM.

YOU GOTTA HELP US OUT,

MAN.

WHAT THE F***

DOES "BODE" MEAN?

LOOK AT THESE FREAKS,

COME ON.

ALL RIGHT, BOYS,

RELAX, JESUS.

ALL RIGHT,

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING

ABOUT THESE HOT CHICKS

YOU'RE SO SCARED OF.

ALL RIGHT, BOYS.

YOUR AVERAGE HOLLYWOOD BABE.

NICE, RIGHT?

YOU TAKE AWAY THE HAIR...

THE IMPLANTS...

THE LIPO...

THE STRAPPY SHOES,

CUTE LITTLE DRESS,

OH, AND THE MAKEUP...

AND THIS IS:

WHAT YOU'RE LEFT WITH.

NOT PARTICULARLY

ATTRACTIVE.

NOT THAT SMART,

NOT THAT INTERESTING--

BASICALLY SOMEONE

IN YOUR OWN LEAGUE.

THAT'S THE WAY YOU GOTTA

THINK ABOUT 'EM, GUYS.

I SWEAR TO GOD,

BEFORE LONG,

YOU'LL BE A GODDAMN

HUMAN SHISH KABOB.

DUDE, THAT'S HARSH.

I SWEAR,

IT'S AS IF YOU HATE THEM.

MAN, I DON'T HATE 'EM...

ANY MORE THAN A LION

HATES A GAZELLE.

BUT I HAD MY HEAR BROKEN ONCE...

COME ON, WEN,

PLEASE!

IT'S OVER.

SMASHED INTO LITTLE PIECES.

WE CAN MAKE THIS WORK.

ALL I NEED IS A CHANCE.

DON'T DO THIS.

BUT I PULLED MYSELF

TOGETHER.

AND NOW,

I JUST DON'T GIVE A SH*T.

COME ON,

DON'T GO, MAN.

I LOVE YOU, WENDY.

OKAY, COOL.

WHY DO YOU HAVE:

A LITTLE GIRL'S DOLL?

WHO THE F*** CARES?

WILL YOU PLEASE HELP US?

HEY, LOOK,

I'LL HELP YOU GUYS,

BUT YOU GOTTA DO

WHAT I SAY:

EXACTLY WHEN I:

TELL YOU TO DO IT,

NO QUESTIONS ASKED,

OR I'M OUT.

ALL RIGHT, COME BACK NEXT WEEK

AND BRING YOUR LAPTOPS.

OH, WAIT,

I DON'T GOT A LAPTOP, MAN.

I STILL GOT THAT DIALUP SH*T,

THAT... ( imitates dialup )

JESUS, CHRIST,

YOU GOT A LAPTOP?

YES.

YOU GOT A LAPTOP?

YEAH,

IT'S REALLY NICE.

ALL RIGHT, WELL,

GET THE F*** OUT OF HERE.

SO I CAN SHARE OF YOURS, HUH?

NO, SHARE OFF HIS, DUDE,

I GOT A DELL.

GET THE F*** OUT OF HERE!

SO, TO BUSINESS...

GRETCHEN,

HOW'S YOUR REFINANCE GOING?

OKAY, WELL, THE GUY

CAME OVER THE OTHER DAY

AND TOOK ME TO LUNCH,

BUT WE GOT A LITTLE

TOO DRUNK.

WE DIDN'T FINISH

THE PAPERWORK.

Women:
GRETCHEN!

I KNOW, BUT DON'T WORRY.

I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

OKAY, LADIES,

NOT THIS DATERBASE

ONLY WORKS:

IF WE KEEP IT UPDATED.

SO DID ANYBODY HAVE

A DATE THIS WEEK?

I MET A GUY.

WHAT WAS HIS NAME?

ADEN.

ISN'T THAT YOUR OTHER

BOYFRIEND'S BEST FRIEND?

YEAH,

HE HIT ON ME YESTERDAY

JUST 'CAUSE I WAS

SUNBATHING TOPLESS

BY HIS POOL.

UHH, SUCH A PIG.

I KNOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE WILL USE THA AGAINST HIM.

ANYONE ELSE?

YES, CHANEL?

THERE IS A BIG,

HUGE HAIR SPIDER.

IT CRAWLED INTO MY CLOSET,

AND I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE

TO FIND IT.

I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO GO

INTO MY CLOSET FOR,

LIKE, A WEEK.

I'VE BEEN BUYING ALL

OF MY CLOTHES BRAND-NEW

BECAUSE I'M SCARED OF IT.

THAT'S EASY,

I'LL SEND ONCH.

ONCH!

YES, WENDY?

GO!

NOW?

NO. TOMORROW. GO.

HOW ABOUT OUR NEW GIRLS?

ANYTHING YOU GIRLS NEED?

LIKE WHAT?

ANYTHING?

UM, OKAY, WELL,

MY SHOWER KEEPS DRIPPING,

AND IT'S KIND OF GROWING

MOLD IN THERE.

I MEAN, I CLEAN IT, BUT--

I'LL SEND ONCH OVER.

HOW MUCH IS THAT GONNA COST?

SWEETIE, WE JUST SAY

"OUR HOT GIRLFRIEND"

AND "SHOWER"

IN THE SAME SENTENCE.

COOL, THANK YOU.

AND WHAT ABOUT YOU, YVONNE?

I'M COOL.

REALLY?

I THINK SO.

I MEAN, THIS ALL SEEMS

A BIT COLD-HEARTED.

YOU LIKE TO F***

AND PARTY, DON'T YOU?

YEAH! A LOT.

( laughter )

THOSE ARE MARKETABLE SKILLS.

AND COMPLETELY TAX-FREE,

SWEETIE.

I NEVER REALLY THOUGH ABOUT IT LIKE THAT.

I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.

THANKS, JOHNNY.

BYE, SARAH.

I'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK,

ALL RIGHT.

DUDE,

YOU ARE LIKE THE KING.

IT'S JUST WORK.

WORK? WHAT DO YOU DO?

I'M IN PHARMACEUTICAL SALES.

YOU A DRUG DEALER?

NO, I'M A SALES REP,

FOR, AMONG OTHER THINGS,

KELOCOTE.

IT'S AN OINTMEN THAT WOMEN USE

AFTER THEY GET BOOB JOBS.

IT HEALS THE SCAR TISSUE.

WAIT A MINUTE,

YOU GET PAID:

TO RUB CREAM:

ON WOMEN'S TITTIES, YO?

YEAH. I REALLY AM

A BOOB INSPECTOR.

OH, MY GOD.

COME ON IN, GUYS.

DAMN.

WHAT KIND OF BENEFITS

A JOB LIKE THAT GOT?

THAT'S TIGHT. HA.

AH, MAN, FLING, MAN,

THEY GOT SOME:

SWEET P*SSY ON HERE.

YEAH,

BUT THAT'S NOT THE DEAL.

WE COULD HAVE DONE

THIS OURSELVES.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes