Hollywood Sex Wars Page #3

NO, DUMBSHIT.

THESE ONLINE:

DATING SITES:

ARE A GREAT WAY:

TO LEARN:

ABOUT WOMEN:

AND THE GAMES:

THEY PLAY.

( water splashing )

( whistling )

HEY, GIRLS.

LOOK WHAT I GOT.

YAY, DRINKS!

OHH!

PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!

I HATE TAN LINES!

IT'S TOO NICE OUT HERE!

"DOGS ARE CONTROLLED

BY THEIR BASEST MOTIVES.

EAT, SLEEP, AND COPULATE."

DOES THAT SOUND FAMILIAR?

THEY EVEN CALL:

THEMSELVES DOGS.

IT'S SO PATHETIC.

THEY WOULD SPEND

THEIR WHOLE LIFE--

CAR, JOB, AND BEING--

JUST TRYING TO SQUIRT.

( laughing )

YEAH, BUT LOOK AT THIS SH*T.

"I LIKE CUDDLING,

SOFT KISSES, ANIMALS,

"WALKS ON THE BEACH,

DINING, A NICE MAN,

SINCERE, KIND"?

THIS SHI MAKES ME SICK.

WHY? SOME OF

THAT STUFF IS CUTE.

OKAY, WINETASTING.

THAT MEANS SHE LIKES

TO GET F***ED UP.

DINING. THAT MEANS

YOU TAKE HER:

OUT TO DINNER.

WHAT, VACATIONS?

YOU THINK SHE'S PAYING

FOR THESE VACATIONS?

DO YOU REMEMBER:

WHEN YOU WERE YOUNGER

AND YOU THOUGHT THAT IF YOU

WERE REALLY NICE TO A GUY

HE'D BE REALLY NICE BACK?

YES. OH, MY GOD,

I DID EVERYTHING FOR HIM.

I MEAN,

I REALLY TREATED HIM WELL.

HOW'D THAT WORK OU FOR YOU?

HE SLEPT WITH MY SISTER.

AND MY BEST FRIEND.

HEY, DUDE,

CHECK OUT THE FRIEND.

YEAH, DUDE,

SHE'S FINE.

Max:
YEAH, SHE IS BOMB.

BUT TAKE A CLOSE LOOK

AT ALL THESE PHOTOS.

DO YOU NOTICE ANYTHING?

A LOT OF THEM AREN' FULL BODY SHOTS.

RIGHT.

THEY'RE TAKEN FROM

HIGH ANGLES, TOO.

YEAH, LOTS OF THEM ARE

WEARING BABY DOLL DRESSES.

YEAH, LOOK AT THAT.

WHY DO WOMEN WEAR

BABY DOLL DRESSES?

BECAUSE IT HIDES

THEIR FAT ASSES.

SEE, ALL THESE PICTURES,

THEY'RE ALL TRYING

TO TRICK YOU IN SOME WAY.

THE PERSONAL AD IS A GREAT WAY

TO UNDERSTAND:

THE TRUE NATURE OF WOMEN.

YOU'RE BEGINNING

TO GET AN IDEA:

OF HOW DECEITFUL

THE AVERAGE GIRL IS.

WE DON'T CARE

ABOUT THE AVERAGE GIRLS.

I WANT YOU TO SEPARATE OU ALL THE HOTTIES,

AND THAT'S WHO WE NEED

TO FOCUS ON.

THE TRICK IS TO GET THEM

ALL EXCITED,

BUT IF YOU WAN TO SEE THEM AGAIN,

LEAVE THEM WANTING MORE.

REALLY?

OH, YEAH.

OKAY, THE NEXT TIME

YOU BRING A GUY HOME,

I WANT YOU TO GET OFF FOR HIM.

I MEAN, MAKE A HUGE SHOW.

PORN-STYLE.

OHH! YEAH!

SEXY!

THAT'S IT!

THANK YOU.

AND THEN HE'LL

BE SO EXCITED.

OHH, OHH!

BUT DON'T LET HIM

PUT IT IN.

AND THEN WHEN YOU'RE DONE,

LEAVE WITHOU GIVING YOUR NUMBER.

THAT WORKS?

OF COURSE.

THE REJECTION PLAYS

ON THEIR INSECURITIES,

AND WE ALL KNOW THA ALL MEN REALLY CARE ABOU IS TITS AND ASS.

THANK YOU.

HA HA HA!

THEY WOULD SIT AROUND

OGLING US ALL DAY LONG

IF THEY COULD.

( laughter )

OH, MAN,

SHE WAS MADE TO GET LAID.

YOU GUYS CHECK THIS OUT,

IS HER ASS COMPATIBLE

WITH MY DICK?

AND WHAT THE F***

IS A CUPID SCORE, MAN?

JUST SHOW ME YOUR TITTIES.

RIGHT. THAT'S WHAT MEN

ARE DESIGNED TO DO.

GET WITH ATTRACTIVE WOMEN.

NOW, LOOK AT WHA THEY SAY, FIRST,

"NO PLAYERS.

IF YOU'RE LOOKING

FOR A HOOKUP,

THEN MOVE ON, MISTER."

THEN WHY THE F***

IS SHE STANDING:

IN FRONT OF A FERRARI

WITH HER TITS OUT?

RIGHT. IT'S TO GET YOU

ALL RILED UP.

AND CHECK IT,

"I'M LOOKING FOR A GUY

"WHO'S KIND AND LOYAL

AND SPIRITUAL:

AND CARING:

AND AMBITIOUS."

AMBITIOUS?

DOESN'T REALLY FIT,

RIGHT?

THE ONE COMMON WORD

IN ALL THE HOTTIES.

YOU KNOW, "GENEROUS"

SEEMS TO CROP UP THE MOST.

YEAH, I'M GETTIN'

"GENEROUS" A BUNCH, TOO.

HERE'S ANOTHER ONE

RIGHT THERE.

RIGHT, RIGHT.

BUT YOU CAN'T BE GENEROUS

IF YOU DON'T HAVE CASH.

YOU KNOW,

THE WOMEN WE'RE AFTER

ARE MONEY-GRUBBING HOS.

GODDAMN RIGHT.

WE KNOW FROM CAVEMAN TIMES

THAT A MAN IS GENETICALLY

PREDISPOSED:

TO BE FAITHFUL FOR A MAXIMUM

OF THREE YEARS:

BECAUSE THAT'S HOW LONG

IT TAKES FOR AN INFAN TO LEARN HOW TO WALK.

THEN THEY LEAVE THE CAVE

AND THE MOTHER:

TO GO SPREAD THEIR SEED

FAR AND WIDE.

IT'S JUST HUMAN NATURE,

SO FORGET ABOU THAT FAIRY TALE,

GROWING OLD TOGETHER...

I LOVE FAIRY TALES.

LOOK, WE DON'T HAVE SEEDS

TO SPREAD,

BUT WE DO HAVE LEGS.

YEAH, WE DO!

EXACTLY. I MEAN, YOU GUYS ARE

ALL COOL AND HIPSTER LOOKING.

WHAT, ARE YOU IN A BAND?

YEAH, WE GOT BEATS.

YEAH, LIKE CREEPY BEATS.

YOU KNOW, IT'S KIND OF

LIKE A GOTH VIBE

WITH, YOU KNOW, HIP-HOP.

YEAH, LIKE BAUHAUS

MEETS BOWWOW,

BUT LIKE MORE PALE.

ALL RIGHT, GREAT.

WITH A HINT OF:

C&C MUSIC FACTORY.

UNLESS YOU'RE

FREDDY F***ING MERCURY,

ALL THAT CONVENTIONAL WISDOM

ABOUT BEING IN THE BAND

GETTING YOU LAID

DOESN'T APPLY WITH THESE CHICKS.

MAN, THESE CHICKS WERE GETTING

DICKED OVER BY BAND DUDES

WHEN YOU WERE STILL POPPING ZITS

ON YOUR HISTORY HOMEWORK.

THAT'S YOU, BUDDY!

AND THEY DON'T GIVE A SHI

ABOUT YOUR "GIG"

AND YOUR CREEPY BEATS.

SO, LOOK,

GO GET YOUR HAIR CUT,

GO SEE MY TAILOR--

HE'LL GET GUYS ALL SORTED OUT--

AND WE'LL GET STARTED.

I'M SORRY.

WAIT. TAILOR?

IS THIS GOING:

TO BE EXPENSIVE?

YEAH, IT'S GOING

TO BE EXPENSIVE!

THAT'S KIND OF THE POINT.

AND THIS THRIFT-STORE SHI AND THESE IRONIC T-SHIRTS--

IT'S JUST NOT GONNA CUT IT.

AND WHAT'S WITH THOSE GLASSES--

DO YOU EVEN NEED THOSE GLASSES?

NO, THEY'RE NOT FOR SEEING.

IT'S FOR THE LOOK.

YEAH, WELL, THEY'RE STUPID.

AND TAKE OU THAT F***ING NOSE RING.

JESUS, YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT.

AND BY GIVING A LITTLE BI TO A FEW DIFFERENT GUYS,

IF IT'S DONE WITH CLASS,

A WOMAN CAN EASILY

SUPPORT HERSELF.

AND THE RICHER THE GUY,

THE BIGGER THE PAYOFF.

I NEVER REALLY THOUGH OF IT LIKE THAT.

YOU SAID IT.

OKAY, I AM SO IN.

WHERE DO WE MEET THESE GUYS?

ELLE, GRETCHEN, WHY DON'T YOU

TAKE THE NEW GIRLS OU

AND SHOW THEM HOW IT'S DONE?

YEAH!

OH, MY GOSH,

WE HAVE SO MUCH FUN.

( cheering )

I DON'T HAVE ANY CASH.

YOU GOT A CREDIT CARD,

DON'T YOU?

YEAH. MY MOM'S.

WELL, CHARGE IT.

LOOK, YOU GOTTA AT LEAST LOOK

LIKE YOU COULD THROW DOWN

SOME CASH, ALL RIGHT?

BUT I'VE BEEN TRYING

TO SAVE UP, MAN.

I'M PAYING OFF

MY STUDENT LOANS.

LOOK, DINGLEBERRY,

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE RICH.

YOU JUST HAVE TO LOOK RICH.

LOOK, MAN, I THOUGHT YOU WAS

JUST GONNA GIVE US SOME TIPS,

WE SPEND ALL THIS MONEY...

NIGGA, I'M BROKE.

ARE YOU OKAY, YVONNE?

IS THERE ANYTHING

WE CAN HELP YOU WITH?

NOT REALLY.

ANYTHING YOU'RE

UNCOMFORTABLE WITH?

ANYTHING YOU WANT TO

CHANGE ABOUT YOUR BODY?

NO. WHY?

YOU'D BE SO MUCH MORE EFFECTIVE

IF YOU JUST GOT SOME B*OBS.

I LIKE MY B*OBS!

I KNOW, DEAR,

BUT THEY'LL CHANGE

YOUR LIFE.

LOCK IT IN.

YOU GOT IT LOCKED IN,

NOW PUT SOME PRESSURE ON IT.

( choking )

YOU WANNA CUT OFF

CIRCULATION TO HIS BRAIN.

THAT'S GOOD.

BONES, GOOD JOB.

THANKS.

THANKS A LOT, JOHNNY.

THANKS, JOHNNY.

YEAH, NO PROBLEM, GUYS.

HEY, NICE SHOES, GUY TOWN.

VERY PRETTY.

FAGGOTS.

COME ON, MAN.

IS THIS THE ONLY REASON

YOU CALLED US DOWN HERE

WAS TO MAKE FUN OF US?

NO. IT'S NOT THE ONLY REASON.

I GOT YOUR MESSAGE

ABOUT LAST NIGHT.

I THINK I CAN HELP.

NOW WHAT HAPPENED.

IT WENT PRETTY GOOD.

YOU KNOW, WE GOT TO THE VELVET,

YOU KNOW, WE MET THESE CHICKS,

WE WAS BUYING THEM DRINKS,

THEY WAS FEELING

OUR NEW FLY GEAR AND SH*T...

AND MY HAIR.

YEAH, WE EVEN DEFENDED

THEM FROM THIS DUDE

WHO TRIED TO SNAKE IN.

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