Hollywood Sex Wars Page #4

YEAH, MAN, BUT WHEN IT CAME TIME

TO CLOSE THE DEAL UP, MAN,

THIS DUDE INVITED THEM TO SOME

JACUZZI PARTY IN THE HILLS,

AND THEY ALL BROKE OUT.

WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?

THEY WERE GONNA BE LIKE,

"NO, LET'S ALL GO BACK

TO MY PLACE AND F***"?

I WAS HOPING SO.

THERE PROBABLY:

WASN'T EVEN A PARTY,

BUT THE DUDE HAD A PLAN.

HERE'S WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO.

YOU TELL THEM YOU WANT TO HAVE

A PHOTO SHOOT AT YOUR STUDIO

AFTER THE BAR CLOSES.

WILL THEY GO FOR THAT?

OF COURSE.

LOOK, THEY SPEND A LOT OF MONEY

TO LOOK GOOD,

SO YOU KINDA GOTTA PLAY

TO THEIR VANITY.

OKAY, BUT WHERE ARE

WE GONNA TAKE THEM?

I DUNNO, MAN,

YOU'LL FIGURE SOMETHING OUT.

HEY, JOHNNY, LET'S GE THE F*** OUT OF HERE.

WHAT ABOUT A CAMERA?

NO, I'VE GOT A CAMERA.

GOOD. BUT YOU ARE GOING TO NEED

TO GET A POLAROID, TOO.

POLAROID? THEY DON'T MAKE

THAT SH*T NO MORE. THAT'S OLD.

JOHNNY, LETS GET THE F***

OUT OF HERE, MAN.

LET'S ROLL.

IT DOESN'T MATTER.

LOOK, YOU SAID YOU'D DO

WHAT I TELL YOU, RIGHT?

TRUST ME.

ALL RIGHT, MAN.

WHAT THE F*** IS THAT PATCH

ON YOUR SHOULDER?

IT'S A FLEUR DE LIS.

IT'S COOL.

NO, IT'S NOT COOL.

WELL...

GET THE F*** OUT OF HERE.

BYE, LADIES.

Max:
SO JOHNNY TOLD US

TO GET BACK ON THE HORSE,

BUT I THOUGHT HE

SAID "WHORES."

YEAH. I'M UP

AND COMING, THOUGH.

I LOVE YOUR OUTFIT.

OH. THIS IS SO OLD.

YOU WANNA COME BACK

TO MY BUDDY AARON'S STUDIO,

HAVE A PHOTO SHOOT?

A PHOTO SHOOT?

ARE THOSE REAL?

THAT SOUNDS LIKE FUN.

I GUESS YOU'LL JUST HAVE

TO FIND OUT...MAYBE.

YOU'RE A PHOTOGRAPHER.

ARE THEY PROFESSIONAL?

WELL, YEAH, I GUESS.

LET'S DO IT.

YOU GOT SOME BOOZE

BACK AT THE OFFICE RIGHT?

YEAH, YEAH.

A LITTLE, A LITTLE.

WE COULD DO:

SOME SHOTS TOGETHER.

YEAH, LETS GO PARTY.

COME ON.

UH, THIS IS OUR BACKDROP.

LIKE, USUALLY WE HAVE,

LIKE, MOUNTAINS AND LAKES

AND THINGS LIKE THA AND INDIANS

IN THE BACKGROUND,

BUT WE ON:

A TIGHT BUDGET NOW.

UP AGAINST EACH OTHER.

OKAY, JUST LIKE LITTLE

CHICKEN STRIPS, THERE YOU GO.

LET ME GET SOME LIGHT.

MOVE TO THE RIGHT SOME.

MOVE TO THE RIGHT.

RIGHT, NOW YOU'RE A TIGER.

TIGERS.

RAWR!

( laughs )

ALL RIGHT, YOU A CHEETAH.

YOU A JAGUAR. YOU A LEOPARD.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

( growling )

HO HO HO! SWEET!

MAN, THAT SH*T WAS CRAZY.

SO MANY TITTIES,

I JUST WANTED TO RUN

DOWN AND GO...

NICE.

MAN, IT WAS

F***ING TITSVILLE.

SO, WHO'D YOU END UP WITH,

AARON?

I ENDED UP WITH THE BLONDIE.

UH, COURTNEY. SHE'S SO COOL.

DUDE, I NEARLY MADE OU WITH THAT ASIAN CHICK.

YEAH, MAN,

AND I WAS SNUGGLING UP

WITH SOME OF THE FIRMEST,

SMALLEST LITTLE TITTIES

YOU EVER WANNA GET UP

AGAINST, MAN.

WAIT. "NEARLY MADE OUT WITH"?

"SNUGGLING"?

ARE YOU GUYS IN JUNIOR HIGH?

OKAY, WAIT. NONE OF YOU

GOT LAID OUT OF THIS?

FOR CHRISSAKES,

YOU BROUGHT 'EM BACK,

YOU GOT 'EM F***ED UP--

WHAT HAPPENED?

WE DIDN'T HAVE

ANY BOOZE.

YEAH, I BROKE OU MY VAPORIZER, BUT--

OKAY, NO BOOZE? WHY NOT?

WHAT IS THIS, AMATEUR HOUR?

AND, WHAT, A VAPORIZER?

NO, JOHNNY!

I USE VAPORIZER!

OF COURSE YOU DO,

SWEETHEART.

I LIKE. IT'S GREAT.

IT'S GREAT FOR WASTING WEED.

NO. NO, NO, NO.

YOU DON'T DO IT RIGHT.

YOU HAVE TO SUCK HARD.

I SUCK HARD.

I SUCK SO HARD.

YOU KNOW I SUCK GOOD.

YEAH, I KNOW YOU DO,

SWEETHEART.

YOU'RE SO BAD.

YOU'RE BAD.

YOU'RE BAD. EVIL.

MAX, WHAT ARE YOU DOING

SMOKING A BLUNT FOR?

WHAT? I THOUGHT YOU SAID

IT WAS COOL TO SMOKE HERE.

CLAUDIA.

TIME FOR MY MEDICINE.

LOOK AT THIS SH*T.

THIS IS COLD-SORE CHRONIC.

I DON'T WANT YOUR HEPATITIS,

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU, CLAUDIA.

I USE A CARBONITE.

YOU GRIND IT UP FINE,

THE WATER COOLS THE SMOKE,

AND THE CARBON TRAPS THE GUNK.

HERE, CHECK IT.

BLACK SMOKE IN...

WHITE SMOKE OUT.

IT'S A MONSTER HIT,

NO COUGHING.

I'M TELLING YOU, THIS IS HOW YOU

GET HER PROPERLY STONED.

THANKS, CLAUDIA.

Max:

OH, MAN, THAT'S TIGHT.

SO, ALL RIGHT,

WELL, NEXT TIME--

NO, NO, NO. NO NEXT TIME.

LATE-NIGHT WEED

IS ONLY GONNA GET HER

HUNGRY OR TIRED:

OR PARANOID.

WELL, WHAT ARE WE

SUPPOSED TO DO?

WEED IS FOR DAYTIME.

COKE IS FOR NIGHTTIME.

YEAH, MAN,

BUT WE DON'T REALLY DO COKE.

I DO.

SINCE WHEN?

WELL, YOU DO NOW MAX.

YOU'RE A BIG BOY.

IT'S NOT LIKE I'M ASKING YOU

TO SHOOT UP IN YOUR EYEBALL!

I THINK YOU CAN HANDLE IT.

OKAY, JOHNNY,

ALL DONE. YOU LIKE?

I LIKE.

THANK YOU.

OKAY, NOW I HAVE TO WAX

YOUR BALLS.

OKAY, GO, GO, GO.

I HAVE TO WAX YOUR BALLS.

MAN, THESE CLOTHES, COKE...

WE'RE TURNING INTO

HOLLYWOOD DOUCHEBAGS.

HEY, MAN, THAT'S HOW WE GONNA

GET THAT HOLLYWOOD TAIL, MAN.

RIGHT ON.

"THE MALE G-SPOT..."

ISN'T THAT HIS DICK?

NO, IT'S HIS TAINT.

IT'S RIGHT BETWEEN THE SCHLONG

AND THE TURKEY GOBBLE.

( laughing )

NO, IT'S IN HIS A**HOLE.

NASTY.

YOU GUYS LOOK SO CUTE.

LOOK.

LET ME SEE.

AHH, THIS LOOKS LIKE

SUCH A FUN NIGHT.

IT WAS OK.

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN FUN,

BUT THEY DIDN'T HAVE ANY BOOZE

OR DRUGS OR ANYTHING.

OH, I KNOW A GUY WE CAN

BUY SOME DRUGS FROM.

SWEETIE...WE'RE THE REASON

WHY GUYS BUY DRUGS.

AND IT'S NOT JUST DRUGS.

BEING HOT IS REALLY EXPENSIVE.

EVERY PENNY COUNTS.

WENDY, SHOW HER THE SCALE.

A BAG OF WEED:

AND A RIDE TO THE AIRPOR IS DOWN AT THE BOTTOM.

FLASH THEM,

YOU LET THEM JERK OFF.

AND SOME COKE:

OR A BOTTLE OF XANAX,

AND THEY MIGH GET A HANDJOB.

SHOES OVER 500 BUCKS,

AND THEY MIGHT GET LAID.

IF YOU LIKE THE GUY.

STRIPPER SHOES,

AND THEY MIGHT GE

TO SUCK A NIPPLE

AND BEAT OFF...

NOW, IF IT'S A DAY AT THE SPA,

THAT COULD BE A BLOW JOB.

OR IF THEY HELP YOU MOVE,

THAT COULD BE ONE, TOO.

OKAY, BUT THAT'S ONLY IF YOU'RE

IN THE MOOD TO SUCK COCK.

OF COURSE.

WHAT IS IT, COURTNEY?

UM, I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S KIND OF LIKE

WE'RE PROSTITUTES.

( laughter )

WHAT'S YOUR POINT?

HEY! PRIVATE PARTY!

ONCH. BACK IN YOUR ROOM.

WHERE YOU BELONG. GO.

OHH, TENANTS!

LOOK, GIRLS, IT'S NO AN EVEN PLAYING FIELD.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME

YOU HEARD ABOUT A GUY

WHO WAS TRYING TO JUGGLE

A CAREER AND A FAMILY?

I MEAN, RIGHT NOW,

YOU'RE CUTE AND YOUNG.

THANKS!

BUT YOU'RE GONNA HAVE

TO SPEND TO KEEP UP

THE HOTNESS AS YOU AGE.

HOW MUCH IS THAT?

A LOT.

AND UNLESS YOU WANT TO END UP

AS STRETCH-MARKED SINGLE MOTHER

WITH A WASTOID HUSBAND

WHO'S IN A BAND,

WHO CAN'T PAY CHILD SUPPOR OR ALIMONY,

YOU BETTER TO GET THAT MONEY.

I'M GOING TO TINKLE.

THAT'S WHAT THE T.O.B. CLUB

IS ALL ABOUT.

HOW DO YOU THINK WENDY

GOT US OUR HOUSE?

I DON'T KNOW, HOW?

WELL, SHE WAS WORKING

AT THIS TECH FIRM,

AND SHE:

STARTED SLEEPING

WITH THE OWNER...

AS WE ALL DO.

AND I THINK HE LIKED HER,

AND THEY BECAME VERY CLOSE.

I THINK HE EVEN LOVED HER.

OHH!

BUT HE WAS OLD,

AND HE WAS JEWISH.

OHH.

YEAH.

YEAH.

AVI...

HI.

HI, HONEY.

I'VE FOUND THE PERFECT ONE.

YEAH, YEAH, SURE.

NICE, NICE.

NO...LOOK.

NOT NOW.

OH, AVI, YOU HAVE

SO MUCH MONEY.

YOU SHOULD JUS BUY ME A HOUSE.

I'M NOT BUYING YOU

A HOUSE.

WELL, THE DOWN PAYMEN AT LEAST.

I COULD GET ROOMMATES

TO PAY FOR THE MORTGAGE.

WELL, WELL,

IT WOULD APPRECIATE...

THE MARKET'S UP...

MAYBE.

AND IT'D BE

IN MY NAME, RIGHT?

DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.

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