Hollywood Sex Wars Page #5

IT'LL BE IN MY NAME.

NO, MY NAME.

LOOK, I BUY YOU

ENOUGH STUFF ALREADY.

BUT YOU PROMISED

AFTER A YEAR,

YOU'D BUY ME A HOUSE.

NO WAY DID I SAY THAT!

YES, YOU DID!

YOU PROMISED!

NO WAY, I'M NO BUYING YOU NO HOUSE!

F*** YOU,

YOU A**HOLE LIAR!

F*** YOU! NO!

OW! OW!

MY PLUG! YOU F***ING

LITTLE B*TCH!

I'M NOT BUYING YOU

ANYTHING!

OWW! WRITE ME

THE F***ING CHECK.

F*** YOU.

( gasps )

LOOK WHAT YOU DID!

I'M CALLING THE POLICE.

GO AHEAD, CALL THEM.

AS A MATTER OF FACT,

I'LL CALL THEM,

AND I'LL HAVE YOU

ARRESTED.

OH, YEAH, WHO ARE

THEY GOING TO BELIEVE,

A 90-POUND LITTLE GIRL

OR AN OLD MAN WITH TWO DUIs

WHO'S BEEN SEXUALLY

HARASSING ME AT WORK?

"I'M SORRY, OFFICER,

SHE PULLED MY HAIR,

SO I BEAT THE SH*T OUT OF HER."

GIVE ME THAT!

GIVE IT!

GIVE ME IT!

GIVE IT, I'LL SCREAM.

GO AHEAD, SCREAM.

IT'S SWELLING UP!

YOU KNOW I'M A MODEL.

HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED

TO WORK AGAIN?

I NEVER LAID:

A HAND ON YOU.

OH, YEAH. LET'S SEE

WHAT THE JUDGE HAS

TO SAY ABOUT THAT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,

"WE'LL SEE WHA THE JUDGE SAYS"?

I NEVER TOUCHED YOU.

YES, YOU DID, YOU BASTARD!

OH, MAN,

FORGET WITH THE PICTURES.

I DIDN'T TOUCH YOU.

I'M GONNA CALL THE COPS.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

YOU WIN. YOU WIN.

I'M GETTING OUT MY CHECKBOOK.

I'M GONNA WRITE YOU THE CHECK.

GOOD. YOU SHOULD.

NOW YOU GET YOUR STUFF,

YOU PACK IT UP,

AND YOU GET THE F***

OUT OF MY HOUSE.

JUST SIGN IT.

HERE'S YOUR CHECK.

IT'S WORTH

A MEASLY HUNDRED GRAND

JUST TO GET RID OF YOU,

YOU SPITEFUL LITTLE C*NT.

BUT THEY CAME UP

WITH A HAPPY SOLUTION,

AND THEY BOTH GO WHAT THEY WANTED.

AS WE ALL SHOULD.

OKAY, LADIES...

OHH!

OHH!

WHAT IS THAT?

SEX TIP OF THE WEEK...

"TO DRIVE YOUR MAN CRAZY,

PLACE THE DONUT OVER THE SHAF

AND GENTLY NIBBLE IT OFF."

OKAY, WHO WANTS TO HELP?

UH, LYRIC AND PAGE.

COME ON.

( chanting )

DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!

( indistinct shouting )

DUDE, JOHNNY'S GUY

IS NOT F***ING AROUND.

THIS SH*T IS NICE.

YEAH, LOOKS LIKE

A LITTLE BABY GLACIER.

THEY CALL IT FISH SCALE,

LIKE WHEN IT GLISTENS,

YOU KNOW.

MAN, IF WE STAR SELLING THIS SH*T,

THEN I COULD ACTUALLY

RAP ABOUT IT.

? YEAH, RIBBITY RAP RAP,

RAP ABOUT IT ?

DUDE, WE MAY NOT EVEN

HAVE TO SELL IT.

THAT GIRL GRETCHEN CALLED ME.

SHE WANTS TO GET SOME OF THIS.

I'M THINKING I MIGH GET SOME OF THAT. HA.

? LOOK AT THIS LITTLE

ROCK OF COKE ?

? IT LOOKS LIKE A BABY GLACIER

? I MIGHT GIVE YOU SOME

IF YOU HIT ME ON THE PAGER ?

? HIT YOU UP LATER

OH, I'M ONTO SOME

SH*T RIGHT HERE. RIGHT?

I HATE IT.

YOU NEED TO STOP HATIN'

'CAUSE YOU CANT RAP.

I'M NOT--WHY AM I

A HATER ALL OF A SUDDEN?

DON'T WORRY, YVONNE,

YOU'LL GET THE HANG

OF IT,

BUT FIRST WE HAVE

TO FIX THESE.

I'M FINE WITH THEM

THE WAY THEY ARE.

I KNOW, SWEETIE,

BUT DID THE DOCTOR CALL?

YEAH. WE'RE SUPPOSED TO GO OU NEXT WEEK, BUT WHAT DO I DO?

IT'S EASY.

HE'S A DOG, SO JUS THROW HIM A BONE.

HE DID BOTH OF OURS,

AND ELLE'S.

( sighs )

WHAT SIZE WOULD I GET?

SIZE DOESN'T MATTER,

SWEETIE.

MINE ARE RELATIVELY SMALL.

MINE ARE BIG.

BUT WE DON' DISCRIMINATE HERE.

GUYS LIKE GIRLS:

WITH IMPLANTS,

AND WE DIDN' GET THEM DONE

TO PUT THEM AWAY.

SO WHEN IS YOUR DATE?

THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW.

OKAY, SO GO OU TO DINNER WITH HIM,

AND LET HIM TALK ABOU HOW GREAT HE IS

AND LAUGH AT ALL

OF HIS STUPID JOKES.

"OHH, OH, OH,

IT HURTS, IT HURTS!"

"WELL, MRS. PLOTNICK,

I THINK YOU GO A BROKEN FINGER."

( laughing )

YOU'RE SO FUNNY!

WELL, LET ME TELL YOU

SOMETHING.

I WORK IN THE RESEARCH LAB

FOR A WHILE...

Big Wendy:

TOUCH HIM A LITTLE BIT.

YOU'RE SO SMART.

YOU HAVE A PIECE

OF PAPER HERE.

YOU ISOLATE THE TISSUE

FROM THE RAT.

Little Wendy:
HE'S GOING TO

INVITE YOU BACK TO HIS PLACE.

Yvonne:
DO I GO?

Little Wendy:

OF COURSE.

YOU'RE A MOUSE KILLER.

Big Wendy:

IT'S $8,000 OTHERWISE...

PER TATA!

LOOK AT YOU!

Little Wendy:

SAY SOMETHING ABOUT HIS CAR.

Big Wendy:

OH, THEY LOVE THEIR CARS.

OH, MY GOD.

I LOVE YOUR CAR,

BY THE WAY.

IT IS SO HOT.

SO WHERE ARE WE GOING?

HOW ABOUT YOUR PLACE?

AND THEN?

AND THEN I WOULD

LOVE IT IF YOU...

Little Wendy:

...AND GIVE HIM SOMETHING

TO LOOK FORWARD TO.

( whispering )

...LIKE, ALL OVER

MY FACE AND LIPS.

OH, BABY,

THAT'S SO HOT.

Yvonne:
EWWW.

DO I REALLY HAVE TO DO IT?

OF COURSE NOT, BUT YOU WANNA

KEEP HIS HEAD IN THE GAME.

EVERY MAN HAS SOMETHING

THAT DRIVES HIM CRAZY.

DR. EUGENE IS A NEAT FREAK,

METROSEXUAL, BUT, LIKE,

TOO MUCH, YOU KNOW?

Big Wendy:

HE'S A CLEAN FREAK

IN THE TRUEST SENSE

OF THE WORD.

BUT USE THAT AGAINST HIM.

MAKE A MESS, BEND OVER

AND CLEAN IT UP.

HE'LL BE WET SOAP

IN YOUR HANDS...

IT IS SO HOOKED UP.

AND I LOVE THE WAY YOU

DECORATED THE PLACE, TOO.

IT IS SO NEAT.

I LIKE BEAUTIFUL THINGS.

AND IT IS SO CLEAN, TOO.

I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS TABLE...

YOU COULD PRACTICALLY

DO OPERATIONS OFF OF IT.

ONLY MY THOUGHTS ARE DIRTY,

MY DEAR YVONNE.

EXCEPT FOR THIS.

I MEAN, IT LOOKS LIKE

YOUR KNOB IS A LITTLE DIRTY.

DO YOU MIND IF I JUST...

POLISH YOUR KNOB?

( blows air )

A KNOB CANNOT BE

TOO SHINY IN MY BOOK.

OH, YEAH, WELL,

I LOVE TO CLEAN, TOO.

I'M A BIT OF A FREAK

ABOUT IT ACTUALLY.

I HOPE THAT'S OKAY.

LOOK AT THIS MESS.

WHY DON'T I HELP YOU OU AND CLEAN THIS FOR YOU?

( whirring )

LET ME SEE HOW THIS FEELS!

OHH...I LIKE THAT.

YEAH...

I USE THE HOSE ATTACHMENT.

IT'S MY GUILTY PLEASURE.

I'M SURE YOU DO.

( whirring stops )

OH, LOOK AT THAT DIRTY GLASS.

LET ME HANDLE THAT FOR YOU.

THAT'S AMAZING!

OKAY, WELL, I DON'T WAN TO GET MY DRESS WET,

SO I'M JUST GOING TO

TAKE IT OFF.

( singing in

foreign language )

WOW. YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL.

YOU'RE ALMOST PERFECT.

ALMOST?

WITH A LITTLE SHAPING HERE

AND THERE...

REALLY?

BECAUSE I'M PRETTY HAPPY

WITH HOW I AM NATURALLY.

THEY ALWAYS LOOK SO FAKE.

OH, NOT IF I DO IT.

I'M THE BEST.

LATEST TECHNIQUES,

TINY INCISIONS,

ATRAUMATIC PROCEDURES...

NO BRUISING AT ALL.

ALL RIGHT,

I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.

YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE IT,

LOVE IT.

RIGHT NOW,

I'D LOVE A DRINK.

OH, YOU WILL HAVE THAT.

NOT IF I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU.

( laughs )

HERE YOU GO.

Little Wendy:

AND THEN JUST SEAL THE DEAL.

( clink )

NO, I REALLY SHOULD

PROBABLY GET GOING NOW.

OH, PLEASE STAY.

I'LL DROP YOU

IN THE MORNING.

NO, I SHOULD PROBABLY GO NOW.

BEFORE YOU GO:

DO YOU MIND IF I...

WHAT?

TAKE A BITE OUT OF CRIME?

YEAH.

GO AHEAD.

OHH! WHOA!

THAT'S FORWARD!

DO YOU MIND IF I...

TOUCH MYSELF?

WHY DON'T I HELP YOU OU WITH THAT?

( singing in

foreign language )

LET ME GET MY PANTS OFF.

SO CLEAN...

I KNOW HOW YOU:

LIKE THAT SOAP.

HERE WE GO.

OHH.

OHH.

YOU LIKE THAT?

OH, YEAH.

CAN I SEE YOU AGAIN?

MAYBE.

OHH. SCOUR IT,

I DON'T CARE.

YEAH, RUB IT.

BUT IF I SEE YOU AGAIN,

WE'LL DEFINITELY BE

CLEANING YOUR BEDROOM.

BEDROOM.

YEAH.

DIRTY BEDROOM.

DIRTY BEDROOM.

MUD TRACKING:

IN FROM OUTSIDE.

OH, YEAH!

DR. EUGENE!

WHOO!

SO HOW MUCH IS IT?

TWO GRAMS...

ONE HUNDRED.

HMM, WELL, I DON'T HAVE

THE WHOLE HUNDRED...

BUT I HAVE THESE.

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