Hollywood Sex Wars Page #6

I ACCEPT THOSE.

Max:
ALL RIGHT, REMEMBER

WHAT JOHNNY EYELASH SAID...

DIVIDE AND CONQUER.

( women talking indistinctly )

I HAVE THE SAME DRESS.

( women talking indistinctly )

HEY.

HEY.

HEY.

HOW'S IT GOIN'?

SO IT'S PRETTY GOOD, HUH?

YEAH, IT WAS OKAY.

SO DO YOU HAVE TO WORK

TOMORROW?

NO. WELL, NOT UNTIL 6 P.M.

OKAY, DO YOU WANNA

GET OUT OF HERE?

WE COULD SHARE A CAB.

NO. LET'S GO BACK

TO YOUR PLACE AND PARTY.

AWESOME. OKAY.

SO YOU WANNA GO BACK

TO MY SPO:

AND LEAVE THESE LOVEBIRDS

TO DO THEIR THING?

DO YOU HAVE ANY MORE AT HOME?

YEAH. A GRIP.

OKAY.

BUT NO FUNNY STUFF.

I KNOW.

( scoffs )

( indistinct chattering )

DAMN. AHH.

NICE TOUCH. AHEM.

MY SISTER AND HER FRIENDS,

THEY'RE ALL INTO

THIS POSITIVE THINKING.

THERE'S THIS ONE GIRL CARLY--

SHE WALKS AROUND WITH

A BLACK CLOUD OVER HER HEAD,

BUT THEN SHE WATCHED THE SECRET,

AND I WATCHED THE SECRE WITH MY FRIEND TIESTO.

YOU KNOW WHO TIESTO IS,

RIGHT?

HUGE D.J.

DOES ALL THE BIG PARTIES.

SO I DON'T LIKE

THAT ATKINS DIET.

THAT'S TOO MANY RULES

FOR ME.

MY BIG THING...JUICING.

YOU WANNA HEAR THE RECIPE?

HERE IT IS.

THIS IS WHAT I USE.

I USE KALE,

I USE SWISS CHARD...

GIVES IT A ZING,

YOU KNOW WHA I'M TALKING ABOUT?

THEN MY DOCTOR,

HE'S LIKE,

YOU CANT USE SUGAR.

( cash register dings )

( whistling )

YEAH, THIS ONE,

THIS IS WHEN I WAS

IN FRANCE.

REALLY AWESOME TRIP.

YOU SEE THIS GUY? HE'S

PRETTY GOOD-LOOKING, HUH?

SO GOOD IN BED. YEAH,

BUT HE'S A BIT BORING.

HELL, YES. I KNOW EXACTLY

WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.

HEY, YOU GOT ANY MORE BLOW?

NAH, YOU DID IT ALL.

CAN I DO THE LAST LINE

FOR THE ROAD?

UH, YEAH.

UH, I WAS WONDERING,

UH...

BEFORE YOU LEF IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND

IF I JUST LOOK AT YOU

AND BEAT OFF TO YOU?

I SAID NO FUNNY STUFF.

I MEAN, I KNOW

YOU SAID THAT,

BUT, YOU KNOW,

WE STARTED LOOKING

AT THE MODELING PICTURES.

LOOK, I'LL EVEN DO I OVER HERE.

OKAY, FINE.

ALL RIGHT, COME ON,

GIVE ME A LITTLE BI OF ENCOURAGEMENT.

OH, YEAH.

YOU ARE AMAZING.

I KNOW.

NOW I'M GOING TO

GET MY F*** ON.

IS THIS GONNA:

TAKE MUCH LONGER?

CAN YOU SHOW ME:

YOUR NIPPLE?

GOD.

OH, YES.

THAT'LL DO.

IT'S GETTING LIGHT OUTSIDE.

I HATE THAT.

DO NOT GET ANY OF THA ON ME.

ALL RIGHT.

AH, THAT'S IT.

YEAH, IT BETTER BE IT,

'CAUSE I'M ABOUT TO TAKE OFF

IN A MINUTE.

LOOK, WOULD YOU

JUST STOP TALKING?

DAMN!

DON'T GET PISSY WITH ME.

I'M DOING YOU THE FAVOR.

ANYWAYS, I'M GETTING COLD.

UH, LOOK,

CAN YOU JUST, UH...

SHOW ME A LITTLE PIECE

OF YOUR ASS?

JUST THE TOP PIECE,

AND I SWEAR:

I'LL COME QUICK.

OH, GOD.

THANK YOU.

AHH. OH, YEAH,

THANK YOU.

CAN YOU PLEASE HURRY UP?

THIS IS TAKING TOO LONG.

I'M ABOUT TO COME RIGHT NOW.

YEAH, YOU BETTER BECAUSE

I'M ABOUT TO GET OU OF HERE, OKAY?

I GOTTA WALK MY DOG.

LITTLE DOG SHITS

ALL OVER MY KITCHEN NOW.

UHH! AAH!

OW! OH, MY GOD!

WHAT THE F***?!

YOU A**HOLE!

YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE KEEP TRACK:

OF THIS SH*T.

YOU'RE NEVER GONNA

F*** AGAIN IN THIS TOWN!

( laughing )

OH, MY GOD.

THAT WAS GREAT.

I'M SORRY!

( laughter )

YOU KNOW WHA I'M SAYIN'?

? THAT LOQUACIOUS B*TCH

WENT ON A FRUIT JUICE RAMBLE ?

? I HAD TO WHIP OUT MY DICK

AND SHOOT JIZZ LIKE RAMBO ?

ABSOLUTELY.

SHE DRANK YOU OU OF HOUSE AND HOME,

SHE DID ALL YOUR GEAR,

AND THE YOU HAD TO LISTEN

TO HER STUPID STORIES

ALL NIGHT.

( buzz )

HEY.

HEY, JOHNNY.

( sighs )

SO, WHAT ABOUT YOU, GLEN?

OH, DUDE,

IT HAPPENED JUST LIKE

YOU SAID IT WOULD.

SHE DIDN'T WAN TO PAY FOR IT,

AND BEFORE YOU CAN SAY,

"THREE-DOLLAR COKE WHORE,"

I'M CHEWING ON HER TITS

LIKE A SIX-MONTH-OLD BABY.

( laughing )

NEXT PATIENT, PLEASE.

ALL RIGHT,

THAT'S US, GUYS, COME ON.

MMM. THAT'S NICE.

LET ME HAVE A QUARTER.

YOU GOT IT.

DUDE, CAN WE GET SOME?

NO, DICKSHINE.

THIS IS ONLY:

IF YOU'RE SICK.

YOU GOTTA GET YOURS

THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY.

OUTSIDE.

DUDE, THAT'S F***ED UP.

YOU AIN'T SICK, MAN.

YOU KNOW I WAN SOME OF THIS SH*T.

HERE.

YES!

I GUESS THIS'LL DO.

SO, AARON, HOW'D

YOUR COKESCAPADE GO?

MAN, F*** COKE!

YOU KNOW?

HONESTLY, WE HAD

A GREAT NIGHT LAST NIGHT.

THIS MORNING WE WOKE UP,

AND I MADE HER BREAKFAST.

WE HAD A LOT OF FUN. DUDE,

SHE'S A REALLY GOOD GIRL.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK

I'M GOING TO ASK HER

TO BE MY GIRLFRIEND.

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

YOU'RE ALREADY F***ING HER!

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

SHE'S NOT ALL MONEY-GRUBBING.

YEAH, MAYBE NOT YET, BUT...

I USED TO BE LIKE YOU.

ALL WIDE-EYED AND IN LOVE.

IT'S OVER!

COME ON, WEN, PLEASE!

DON'T GO WITH THIS BOOB!

YOU LIKE MY HAIR

AND MY SHOES,

BUT HOW AM I SUPPOSED

TO PAY FOR IT WITH

YOUR STUPID LYRICS?

JESUS, WEN,

I'M SORRY, OKAY?

COME ON.

GET A JOB, DICKWAD.

F*** YOU, QUEERBURGER!

WENDY! WENDY!

COME ON, MAN!

...BUT I DON'T TALK

ABOUT THAT ANYMORE.

LISTEN, THEY'RE NOT ALL

LIKE THAT, BRO.

BLAZE OUT, BRO.

THANK YOU, DOCTOR.

HERE, COME WITH ME.

LET ME SHOW YOU GUYS

SOMETHING.

ALL RIGHT, TAKE A LOOK AROUND,

WHAT DO YOU SEE?

TITTIES.

THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU GOT YOUR CHERRIES,

APRICOTS,

TANGERINES,

LEMONS,

CANTALOUPES,

OH, AND, OF COURSE,

WATERMELONS.

HEY, WHAT KIND OF FRUI ARE THOSE?

THAT IS AN ASIAN PEAR.

HEY, CHECK IT OUT...

A GRANNY SMITH!

HA HA HA!

NICE. BUT, LOOK,

ALL THESE TITTIES

AIN'T FOR FREE.

CHECK OUT THIS COUPLE

OVER HERE.

WHO DO YOU THINK PAID

FOR THAT MEAL?

THE DUDE?

THAT'S RIGHT.

TAKE A LOOK OVER THERE.

WHO'S BUYING THOSE CLOTHES?

DEFINITELY THE DUDE.

LOOK AT THIS GUY IN HERE.

HUNDRED BUCKS FOR THAT ROUND,

AT LEAST.

AND TRUST ME,

HE AIN'T NAILING ALL OF THEM.

IS HE, AARON?

I DON'T KNOW.

CHECK THIS OUT.

LOOK AT THE ROCK ON HER FINGER.

IT'S AN ENGAGEMENT RING!

AND WHO PAID FOR IT?

THE MAN.

THAT'S RIGHT.

AND WHEN SHE GETS HOME,

SHE'S GONNA DROP THOSE PANTIES

LIKE MY IPHONE DROPS CALLS.

LOOK, ALL THESE HOLLYWOOD

CHICKS WANT SOMETHING,

AND SEX IS THEIR CURRENCY.

I HAVEN'T SEEN COURTNEY

DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

WHY DON'T YOU STOP BY

HER WORK TONIGHT,

AND YOU'LL GET YOUR CHANCE?

YO, DUDE, MAN,

WE'VE BEEN GETTING

SOME WORTHY TAIL LATELY.

MAN, I THINK YOU

SHOULD LISTEN TO HIM.

YEAH, OR JUST MAKE HER

YOUR GIRLFRIEND:

AND THEN SEE OTHER ONES

ON THE SIDE.

NO.

WHY NOT?

NO! NO, LOOK,

YOU DON'T CHEAT.

IT'S NOT COOL, EVER,

AND THERE'S NO NEED TO.

LOOK, GUYS, DON'T DATE ONE CHICK

THAT YOU'RE FAITHFUL TO.

YOU DATE LOTS OF CHICKS,

YOU ROTATE THEM,

AND YOU BE HONEST ABOUT IT.

LOOK, GUYS,

I ALWAYS WANTED A SON,

BUT AT THIS POINT, IT'S PROBABLY

NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.

I WANTED HIM TO BE PREPARED WHEN

DEALING WITH THE UNFAIR SEX,

SO I RECORDED SOME LITTLE

NUGGETS OF WISDOM ON THIS.

BUT BE CAREFUL WITH IT,

ALL RIGHT?

THERE'S A LOT THERE.

GOOD LUCK PICKING UP CHICKS NOW,

MOTHERF***ER, PIECE OF SH*T!

I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!

WHATEVER YOU DO,

DON'T CHEAT.

BUT IF YOU DO,

STICK TO YOUR F***IN' STORY.

PAPA SMURF CALLED!

HE WANTS HIS DICK BACK!

OH, YEAH?!

GET THE F*** AWAY FROM ME,

RIGHT NOW!

SADIE?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I HATE YOU!

I HATE YOU!

IT'S MOSTLY ABOUT BEING HONES AND STRAIGHT UP,

YOU KNOW,

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