Hollywood Sex Wars Page #7

OWNING YOUR INNER PIG.

Woman:
STILL UPSET ABOU THE FIGHT WITH JOHNNY.

CAME HOME AND GOT DRUNK AND HAD

SEX WITH MY NEIGHBOR FRANK.

IT FELT GREAT.

I'M SO GLAD

I'M NOT A MAN ANYMORE.

NEVER READ:

YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S DIARY.

GIRLS LIKE A TAKE-CHARGE GUY.

SO YOU JUST LAY DOWN

WHAT YOU WANT,

TELL HER YOU'RE NOT LOOKING

FOR A GIRLFRIEND UPFRONT,

AND SHE CAN'T NEVER ACCUSE YOU

OF BEING AN A**HOLE.

( moans )

YES, JOHNNY...

OH, THAT'S GOOD RIGHT THERE.

THAT'S GOOD. AHH!

RIGHT THERE.

OHH! NO!

WHAT ARE YOU STOPPING FOR?

WHAT THE F***?

THAT'S WEIRD.

I JUST WAXED YESTERDAY.

NO, THIS IS NOT YOUR PUBE.

YOUR P*SSY'S BALD!

OH, I KNOW WHO THAT WAS.

THAT WAS--NEVER MIND.

NEVER GO DOWN:

ON A STRIPPER YOU JUST MET.

DOUBLE-BOOKING B*TCH.

ALTHOUGH GIRLS WANT TO F***

AND DO DRUGS,

THEY FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT.

I MEAN, THEY WANT TO GET DOWN,

BUT THEY KIND OF WANT TO BE

"TRICKED" INTO IT.

THIS IS RETARDED.

BE STRAIGHT UP:

AND HONEST WITH THEM,

BUT THEN GET THEM HIGH

AND WASTED AND TRICK

THEM INTO IT?

YOU MAKE THAT SOUND

LIKE IT'S A BAD THING.

I WISH I COULD GET DRUNK

AND HIGH FOR FREE.

YEAH. THEY SHOULD

BE THANKING US.

YOU GUYS ARE IDIOTS.

I'M GOING TO SEE

MY GIRLFRIEND.

THERE'S A REASON THEY CALL I "COMMITTED," AARON.

YOU'RE GONNA BE

AT SOME PARTY, WASTED,

AND SOME HOTTIE'S

GONNA BE JOCKING YOU,

AND YOU'RE GOING TO

SLIP UP, MAN.

I'M OUT.

PFFT.

YO, MAN.

LATERS.

YOU GUYS GOT YOUR ASSIGNMENTS,

RIGHT?

JUST REMEMBER,

JUST BE STRAIGHT UP,

AND TELL HER,

"WE CAN SLEEP TOGETHER,

BUT I'M NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND.

NO DINNERS, VALENTINES."

SHE CAN FIND SOME OTHER SUCKER

FOR THAT.

HUH? I MEAN,

I'M SORRY, MAN.

THIS CANDY BAR:

IS KICKING IN, MAN.

I KNOW WE WAS TALKING ABOU FRUITS EARLIER, RIGHT?

I'M SORRY, MAN.

YOU TAPE-RECORDED IT?

OH, NO, THAT WAS

ANOTHER TAPE RECORDER.

I'LL REMEMBER FOR REAL,

I'M SORRY.

Woman:

? FOR YOU

? I'D TRAVEL

? AROUND THE WORLD

? FOR YOU

? I'D DO

? ANYTHING

? 'CAUSE YOU

? ARE EVERYTHING

? THE FEELING IS LOVE,

THE FEELING IS LOVE ?

? THE FEELING IS LOVE,

THE FEELING IS LOVE ?

? THE FEELING IS LOVE,

THE FEELING IS LOVE ?

? WHEN YOU'RE AROUND,

WHEN YOU'RE AROUND ?

? THE FEELING IS LOVE

HEY, HUN, I'M GONNA SPLIT.

I'M REALLY HORNY.

DON'T LEAVE ME WITH HIM!

DON'T YOU REMEMBER

WHAT ELLE SAID?

YEAH. ELLE IS

A TOTAL DRAMA QUEEN.

I MEAN, LOOK,

HE'S REALLY NICE...

AND FUNNY.

WELL, I DON'T WAN TO GO HOME YET.

AND HE IS KIND OF CUTE.

SEE?

YOU ARE GONNA BE FINE.

I JUST HOPE:

HE'S NOT AN A**HOLE.

YO, MAN, YOU WANNA

GO TO THIS PARTY LATER?

NO. IT'S GONNA SUCK.

IT'S JONZO'S PLACE, MAN.

YO, I'M GOING HOME

TO GET SOME ASS.

YOU SHOULD TAKE HER.

SHE'S BANGING.

MAYBE I WILL.

I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW

THAT WE'RE GOING

TO THIS PARTY:

JUST AS FRIENDS.

WELL, I WANT YOU TO KNOW

THAT WE'RE SPLITTING THIS

CAB FARE...JUST AS FRIENDS.

I DON'T HAVE ANY CASH ON ME.

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE

SUCH AN A**HOLE?

( humming )

( deep breathing )

( moaning )

COURTNEY,

I AM YOUR FATHER.

EW, GROSS.

( laughing )

NO, BABE, IT'S JUST ME.

NO, NO, NO.

YOU HAVE TO BE THE HELPLESS

PRINCESS, REMEMBER?

YEAH, CAN YOU MAKE

THAT THING VIBRATE?

UM, SHOOT,

I DON'T THINK SO.

I THINK THAT'S ONLY

THE DELUXE EDITION.

YEAH.

Johnny:
USE HER ADDICTIONS

AGAINST HER.

GO AHEAD,

F*** WITH THAT ONE, TOO.

ALL RIGHT.

Johnny:

OWN YOUR INNER PIG.

HERE YOU GO.

NO, I'M GOOD.

I'VE GOT A DEADLINE.

I COULD REALLY USE TOMORROW

TO CATCH UP. SO...

ARE YOU FOR REAL?

I MEAN, I JUST GOT HIGH.

IF YOU LIKE, I CAN BLOW

EVERYTHING OFF THA I GOT TO DO TOMORROW,

AND WE CAN HAVE SOME FUN,

BUT I GOTTA LET YOU KNOW

THAT AT SOME POINT,

WE'RE PROBABLY

GOING TO BE HIGH

AND DRUNK AND IN MY BED,

AND I'M GOING TO NEED

TO BUST A NUT.

NEED TO?

YEAH. I MEAN, I'M SORRY

FOR BEING SO HONES AND OPEN ABOUT IT,

BUT IF YOU DON'T LIKE THAT,

THEN MAYBE WE SHOULD MEE FOR COFFEE SOMETIME

AND REALLY GE TO KNOW EACH OTHER,

TAKE IT NICE AND SLOW...

FINE.

FINE FOR THE NUTBUSTING?

WHATEVER.

JUST FILL UP MY DRINK, PLEASE.

DID YOU KNOW:

THAT WHEN A MAN ORGASMS

IT RELEASES A CHEMICAL

THAT'S 20 TIMES STRONGER

THAN A NORMAL SLEEPING PILL?

THIS IS SOME:

LADY AND THE TRAMP SHI RIGHT HERE.

( laughing )

I SHOULDN'T EVEN BE HERE.

YOU'VE BEEN FLAGGED

ON THE DATERBASE.

NOBODY HAS TO KNOW.

WHAT'S A DATERBASE?

JUST SHUT UP AND KISS ME.

OH, YEAH. OH.

OH, YEAH.

( crickets chirping,

owl hooting )

BABE, WHERE DID YOU

GET THAT OUTFIT?

THANK YOU.

IT'S MY APRON.

I WORE I UNDER MY DRESS

LAST NIGH:

SO I COULD COOK:

YOU BREAKFAS IN THE MORNING.

AH, I AM TAKING YOU OUT.

BABY, DO YOU WANNA

GO TO THE ZOO?

YES! I LOVE THE ZOO.

ANIMALS ARE MY FAVORITE.

OH, ME TOO. THAT'S PERFECT.

IT'S A DONE DEAL.

WE'RE DOING IT.

UM, BABE, CHECK OUT MY...

TROUSER ELEPHANT.

HA HA HA.

DO YOU WANT ME TO COME

PULL ITS TRUNK?

( elephant trumpets )

SO...YOU GONNA TAKE ME

TO BREAKFAST?

( laughs ) BREAKFAST?!

AIN'T NO BREAKFAST,

BABY.

I DON'T ROLL LIKE THAT.

YOU HAD FUN LAST NIGHT,

RIGHT?

YEAH. EVENTUALLY.

HEY, THAT HAD NOTHING TO DO

WITH MY PERFORMANCE.

THAT WAS THE COKE.

ANYWAYS, IF WANT SOMEBODY

TO TAKE YOU OUT TO DINNER

ALL THE TIME:

AND CALL YOU UP EVERY DAY,

THAT AIN'T ME.

THAT'S BOYFRIEND

TERRITORY.

LOOK, I'M JUST HUNGRY.

YOU DON'T GOTTA BE

SUCH AN A**HOLE.

IT'S LIKE YOU'RE GOING

TO SOME A**HOLE SCHOOL

OR SOMETHING.

PSHH. WHATEVER.

DICK.

Johnny:
IF SHE'S ASKING

FOR TOO MUCH CAB FARE,

TAKE A TWENTY OUT OF HER PURSE

WHILE SHE'S IN THE BATHROOM

AND GIVE IT TO HER.

IT'S NOT STEALING

IF YOU GIVE IT BACK.

DUDE, THIS STUFF IS GOLD!

HEY, AARON,

THOUGHT YOU'D BE

MARRIED OFF BY NOW.

UM, SHE'S A GOOD GIRL.

IT COULD HAPPEN.

UH, JUST KEEPING

MY OPTIONS OPEN FOR NOW.

YEAH,

WHAT ABOUT YOU, MAX?

HOW'S IT GOING?

OH, MAN,

SH*T WENT PERFECT, YO.

IT'S JUST ONE THING,

THOUGH, MAN...

SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

WITH THE COKE:

AND THE CONDOMS, MAN...

I KIND OF HAD A LITTLE BI OF PERFORMANCE ANXIETY.

REALLY?

WHAT, ARE YOU GAY NOW?

ALL YOU NEED IS...

ONE OF THESE.

WHAT'S THAT, MAN?

UGH. DUDE,

WHY'S IT ALL SLIPPERY?

WHAT IS THAT?

THAT'S JUST LUBE.

IT'S MY COCK RING.

OHH!

WHAT THE F***!

ARE YOU KIDDING?

GUYS, I'M TELLING YOU,

NO MATTER WHAT STATE I'M IN,

IT KEEPS ME TURGID,

AND IT ALWAYS,

ALWAYS GET'S ME OFF.

YO, I PUT THAT SHI ON MY NOSE, YO!

AND WHAT THE F***

IS "TURGID"?

"TURGID" MEANS HARD.

HOW DUMB ARE YOU?

OH, I'M GONNA USE THAT SH*T.

"GIRL, YOU GOT MY DICK TURGID."

AND I KNOW WITH:

ALL THE ALCOHOL:

AND THE DRUGS,

SOMETIMES IT'S A LITTLE TOUGH,

SO I ALWAYS KEEP ONE

OF THESE BABIES AROUND.

THOSE ARE LIKE 50 BUCKS

EACH. EVERY TIME?

JESUS, FUCKFACE.

LOOK, YOU GENTLY

TAKE IT OUT OF THE BOX,

YOU CAREFULLY CUT IT OPEN.

EVERY TIME YOU USE IT,

YOU PUT IT IN THE DISHWASHER,

GOOD AS NEW.

OH, YEAH. ECONOMICAL.

YEAH,

BUT WHAT ABOUT CONDOMS?

MAN, I HATE CONDOMS, MAN.

IT'S LIKE EATING A SNICKERS

WITH THE WRAPPER ON.

LOOK, THE FIRST COUPLE OF TIMES

YOU KIND OF HAVE TO, BOYS.

F*** THAT.

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