Hollywood Sex Wars Page #8

JUST DO WHAT I DO.

YOU CUT A HOLE:

RIGHT IN THE TIP

OF THE CONDOM, RIGHT?

JUST LIKE THAT.

AND IT WEARS AWAY

AS YOU GET GOING,

THEN IT BREAKS.

THE BEAUTY OF IT IS,

WHEN SHE LOOKS DOWN,

IT STILL LOOKS LIKE

YOU'RE WEARING ONE.

I JUST TOLD HER IT RIPPED

BECAUSE MY DICK'S TOO BIG.

DUDE, THAT IS F***ED UP

ON SO MANY LEVELS,

I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN.

WHAT?

"WHAT?"

LET ME SHOW YOU SOMETHING.

ONE IN FOUR PEOPLE

HAVE HERPES.

ONE IN FOUR WARTS.

THROW IN CHLAMYDIA,

CRABS, U.T.I.,

THEN YOU RAMP IT UP

BECAUSE WE'RE IN HOLLYWOOD...

AND THE CHANCES:

THAT ONE OF THESE CHICKS

THAT YOU GUYS ARE TAKING HOME

HAS "SOMETHING" IS ABOUT...

GRETCHEN,

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

OH, I'M PUTTING

A FABRIC SOFTENER SHEE DOWN MY PANTS

SO LATER TONIGH WHEN I TAKE MY JEANS OFF,

IT'LL BE NICE AND FRESH

DOWN THERE.

THAT'S NOT A BAD IDEA.

RIGHT?

DOES THAT MAKE:

YOUR SKIN SOFT?

OH, GOD, I HOPE IT DOESN' MAKE HIS DICK SOFTER! UGH!

I GOT A DATE TONIGHT.

LET ME TRY SOME OF THAT.

SO ARE YOU GIRLS ALL SE FOR THE INITIATION?

YEAH, WE ARE.

YEAH. OH. CAN I STILL JOIN

IF I HAVE GOT A BOYFRIEND?

HE BETTER GO DOWNY ON ME

AFTER ALL THAT TROUBLE!

NO. THAT DEFIES

THE WHOLE POINT.

WELL, UNLESS YOU'RE

USING HIM FOR SOMETHING.

I JUST LIKE HIM.

I LIKE THE WAY:

HIS HAIR SMELLS,

I LIKE HIS SMILE,

I LIKE WAKING UP NEX TO HIM, I LIKE HIS COCK.

COURTNEY, COURTNEY,

YOU CANNOT SEE THIS GUY

ANYMORE.

WHAT? WHY?

BECAUSE HE WILL:

DICK YOU OVER.

WE JUST DON'T WANT YOU

TO MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE

WE MADE.

IF IT'S SEX YOU WANT,

WE'LL FIND A GUY FOR YOU.

WHAT DO YOU WANT,

DO YOU WANT A NERD,

DO YOU WANT A BAD BOY?

WHAT, AND I JUST F*** THEM?

FIRST, YOU HAVE

TO EXPLAIN TO HIM

THAT HE CAN' CALL YOU AFTERWARDS,

AND IF HE SEES YOU

OUT SOMEWHERE,

HE'S GOTTA WALK

IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION.

THAT'S CRAZY. I REALLY,

REALLY LIKE THIS GUY.

I KNOW, BUT IT'S

FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.

NOW, YVONNE,

DID THE DOCTOR SET A DATE

FOR YOUR IMPROVEMENTS YET?

YEAH. THREE WEEKS.

I KNEW HE WOULD:

DRAG IT OUT A BIT.

A FEW DAYS IN OUTPATIENT,

AND YOU'LL NEVER HAVE

TO SEE HIM AGAIN!

RIGHT ON.

( knock on door )

HEY.

AH-AH-AH.

( sighs )

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE

BY YOURSELF?

OH, MY GOD, YOU REMIND ME

OF BEETLEJUICE.

REMEMBER THOSE LEGS

THAT WAS SITTING

BY THEMSELVES?

I KNOW WHO YOU ARE!

WHERE YOU KNOW ME FROM?

DISHONORABLE DISCHARGE.

NASTY.

MAN, WHAT? MAN,

THIS LOOKS LIKE SOME--

HEY, THIS AIN'T EVEN TRUE.

THEY TRYING TO SET ME UP.

THEY TRYING TO SAY

I DISHONORABLY DISCHARGED,

BUT THAT EVEN TRUE.

OHH!

OH, F***!

OH, SH*T.

OH, MAN, SORRY, MAN.

F***.

I KNOW THAT GUY.

DID YOU DO SOME?

NO.

HE JUST CAME BY TONIGHT.

THERE'S NOTHING IN HERE.

I KNOW.

ARE YOU SLEEPING WITH HIM?

NO.

I JUST GET SO HORNY.

WE ALL GET A LITTLE BI HORMONAL SOMETIMES,

BUT, NEXT TIME,

SPECIFY AN AMOUNT,

OR HE'S GONNA HAVE YOU

WHORING YOURSELF OU FOR LITTLE KIBBLES, OKAY?

NO, YOU'RE RIGHT.

WENDY, CAN I TALK TO YOU

A LITTLE BIT LATER?

OKAY.

( sighs )

OKAY, LADIES,

AS YOU KNOW,

YVONNE WILL BE GETTING

HER ENHANCEMENTS THIS WEEK,

THUS ELIGIBLE FOR MEMBERSHIP.

( cheering )

WHAT DAY, YVONNE?

HE SAYS I GO IN ON FRIDAY,

AND I'LL BE OUT BY SATURDAY.

SO SATURDAY NIGHT.

DOES THAT WORK FOR EVERYONE?

YEAH.

YES.

YES.

OOH OOH!

EXCELLENT WORK, MAX.

CONGRATS ALL AROUND.

IT'S NICE TO SEE

YOUR STABLES DEVELOPING.

I'M UP TO FOUR NOW.

YOU STILL TAKING DRUGS

TO THAT STRIPPER CHICK?

YUP.

SHE'S F***ING YOU NOW RIGHT?

LIKE I'M JOHNNY DEPP.

NICE. AND NOW CAN BRING

AS MUCH OR AS LITTLE

AS YOU LIKE.

DUDE, I'M GETTING LAID

FOR DUB-SACKS!

SWEET!

UM, WHERE'S COURTNEY?

SHE SAID SHE CAN' COME ANYMORE.

WHY NOT?

BECAUSE SHE HAS:

A BOYFRIEND NOW,

AND SHE SAID IT WOULD

BE UNFAIR TO COME

TO A MAN-HATING GROUP.

WHAT?

WHAT?

WHATEVER.

WE DON'T HATE MEN.

WE JUST KEEP THEM

ON TASK, SWEETIE.

SO WHAT ABOUT YOU, AARON?

I'VE BEEN DABBLING,

BUT THERE'S REALLY

ONLY ONE GIRL FOR ME.

YEAH, WHEN SHE'S IN TOWN.

OH!

OH HO HO!

WHAT?

IT'S THAT COURTNEY

AGAIN, RIGHT?

YEAH.

DOES SHE KNOW ABOU YOUR OTHER CHICKS?

UH, THAT'S NOT SOMETHING

I LIKE TO BRING UP.

YEAH, BUT YOU'RE

ROTATING HER, RIGHT?

WHAT?

HOW OFTEN DO YOU SEE HER?

I DON'T KNOW, LIKE TWO,

THREE, FOUR TIMES A WEEK.

AARON,

YOU HAVE TO ROTATE THEM.

SHE'LL BE BACK.

I HOPE SO.

I REALLY LIKED HER.

I REALLY LIKED HER, TOO.

I THINK SHE'S

REALLY INTO HIM.

AARON, RIGHT?

SHORT, DUMB-LOOKING?

( laughter )

THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS,

HE'S A MAN,

AND HE'S HARDWIRED TO CHEAT.

OH, I THINK

HE ALREADY DID.

WHAT?

WHAT?

WHAT?

I SAW LAST WEEK HIM AT A PARTY

ALL OVER SOME UGLY-ASS GIRL.

LAST SATURDAY AT ROSS'S?

YEAH.

WAS THAT GUY MAX THERE?

YEAH.

( warbling sounds )

MY EARRING COLLECTION

IS GROWING DAILY.

AH, YES.

THE "LEAVE BEHIND."

DO THEY MEAN TO LEAVE

THIS SH*T AT YOUR APARTMEN

OR ARE THEY JUST TOO HUNGOVER

TO REMEMBER? WHO KNOWS?

IT'S LIKE HOW DO THEY NOT KNOW

THAT THEY LEAVE NOT WEARING

THEIR OWN PANTIES?

THAT SH*T IS DUMB!

LET ME SEE THIS HAIRCLIP.

WHERE DID YOU GET THIS?

I NEEDED IT ONE MORNING,

AND THE GUY I WAS WITH

GAVE IT TO ME.

MAX?

THE GUY:

THAT JIZZED ON ME?

YEAH.

THIS IS MY HAIRCLIP.

I WAS WITH HIM LAST WEEK.

YOU'VE BEEN HANGING OU WITH HIM?

WE JUST HOOKED UP

A COUPLE OF TIMES.

I DIDN'T KNOW

YOU WERE SEEING HIM.

I TOLD YOU:

THAT I LIKED HIM.

WHATEVER.

NOW YOU OWN HIM.

JASMINE! YVONNE!

JASMINE! YVONNE!

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT IS GOING ON?

WAIT A MINUTE.

IS THIS THE MAX:

THAT ELLE FLAGGED?

Elle:

THAT A**HOLE?!

THIS IS F***ING OUTRAGEOUS!

WHY DO WE EVEN:

KEEP A DATERBASE

IF YOU GUYS:

CAN'T EVEN FOLLOW IT?

THE WHOLE POIN OF THE T.O.B. CLUB

IS FOR SH*T LIKE THIS

NOT TO HAPPEN.

COURTNEY'S DUDE

IS CHEATING ON HER.

YOU'RE GETTING RIPPED OFF

BY YOUR COKE GUY,

AND THE TWO OF YOU

ARE IN SOME SORT OF

T.O.B. CERTIFIED

SCUMBAG'S STABLE.

SCUM!

WE HAVE STABLES.

THAT'S WHY THEY'RE

CALLED STABLE BOYS, OKAY?

THIS IS F***ING RIDICULOUS.

COULD ANYTHING ELSE GO WRONG?

( crying )

I'M PREGNANT!

OH, SWEETIE!

IT'S OKAY.

ARE YOU GONNA HAVE IT?

I DON'T THINK SO.

GOOD.

GOOD.

DON'T YOU WORRY

ABOUT A THING.

REALLY?

YEAH.

WE'LL FIX

ALL OF THIS TOGETHER.

NOW, HOW MANY MEN

HAVE YOU BEEN SLEEPING WITH?

TWO OR THREE.

GRETCHEN.

NOT IN THE LAST WEEK,

GRETCHEN,

THE LAST THREE MONTHS?

MAYBE SEVEN OR EIGHT.

OH, PLUS THE DRUG GUY.

ARE YOU THINKING

WHAT I'M THINKING?

Both:
ABORTION EXTORTION.

"IN 1934,

"HITLER ELIMINATED ALL

OF HIS OPPOSITION IN ONE NIGHT.

IT WAS CALLED:

'THE NIGHT OF THE LONG KNIVES.'"

THIS FRIDAY,

OUR TIME WILL COME.

WE'RE GOING TO TEACH

THESE CRETINS A LESSON

THEY'RE NEVER GONNA FORGET.

YEAH, WE WILL.

THERE'S SOMETHING

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

WE MET ONE OF THESE PESTS

THREE MONTHS AGO

WHEN WE GO THOSE T-SHIRTS MADE,

AND HE WAS A BIG FAT LOSER.

NOW HIM AND HIS BUDDIES

ARE WREAKING HAVOC ON US! HOW?

YES, IT FEELS LIKE

SOMEBODY ELSE:

IS BEHIND THIS.

ANOTHER GIRL GANG?

( gasps )

THE ECHO PARK PUTAS?

SILVERLAKE SKANKS?

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