Home On The Range

[Music playing]

COWBOY, WHlSTLlNG:

Hyah!

COWBOYS:

# Out in the land #

# Where the men

are tough as cactus #

# Out in the land where

the wild, wild west was won #

Uhh! Ahh...

# Out in the land

of the desperado #

# lf you're soft

as an avocado #

# Yee-haw!

You're guacamole, son #

# Oh, home,

this ain't it, pal #

# Home, home,

home on the range #

# Home, home,

better go git, pal #

# You ain't

home on the range #

# Out in the land where

the weak are target practice #

# Out in the land where

they shoot the mild and meek #

Ooh! Aah!

# Out where the bad

are a whole lot badder #

# lf you're the type

with a nervous bladder #

# Yip! Yow!

Your saddle's gonna reek #

# 'Cause you ain't

home on the range #

# Cowboy,

you're really up a creek #

# Home, home,

home on the range #

# Home, home,

home on the range #

# Home, home,

home on the range #

COWBOY:
Howdy, sheriff!

[Snorts]

[Snorts]

MAGGlE:

Home on the range.

Once upon a time,

l had a home on the range.

But not anymore.

Well, it's no use

cryin' over spilled milk.

Speakin' of which, that's me.

l'm the cow.

[Fly buzzing]

Yeah, they're real.

Quit staring.

l'm sort of between homes

right now.

l lost my old place...

thanks to the meanest bunch of

cattle rustlers in the west--

Alameda Slim

and the Willie Brothers gang.

COWBOY:
# Ooh-ee #

[Mooing]

MAGGlE:
Somehow,

they stole the whole herd...

right out

from under our noses...

and then they disappeared

without a trace.

[Panting]

[Moo]

MAGGlE:
After that...

poor old Abner couldn't

afford to keep the place...

or me, either, for that matter.

Well, no matter how bad

things get...

there's probably somebody

worse off.

[Whimpering]

That guy, for instance.

ABNER:
Hey, Maggie.

Take a look at your new home.

MAGGlE:
Hey! A dairy farm?

Now we're talkin'!

Hope it's not one of them

fat-free places.

[Upbeat music playing]

K.D. LANG:

# l know a place #

# Pretty as pie #

# Out where the river bend #

# Hits up

with the end of the sky #

# lt's left of Nebraska #

# And over a crest #

# On a little Patch of Heaven

way out west #

# Everything's green #

# Know what l mean? #

# Darlin', it's quite

the sweetest sight #

# That you ever done seen #

# Ain't nothin' much

out there #

# Just life at its best #

# On a little Patch of Heaven

way out west #

# Bees by the dozen #

# Are buzzin' real peaceful #

# Every bluebonnet,

doggone it, smells nice #

[Sneezes]

# Even

the tumblin' tumbleweed #

# Slows down

to match your speed #

# On my tiny half an acre

of paradise #

# Darlin', l swear #

# Once you been there #

# There ain't a view

beneath the blue #

# That could ever compare #

# The only thing missing #

# ls you as my guest #

# On a little Patch of Heaven

way out west #

# Why don't you come visit? #

# There's room in the nest #

# On that little

Patch of Heaven #

# Way out we-e-e-e... #

[Snoring]

# ...e-e-e-est #

[Cock-a-doodle-doo]

Wah! Aaah! Ooh! Uhh!

Oh! Uhh!

Hey, that's my boy.

PlGGlES:
Can hog! Can hog!

JEB:
Don't yell at me.

Oh. The call of duty.

Why don't you handle this one,

Grace?

lt's time l gave you

more responsibility on the farm.

[Pop]

Really?

Thanks, Mrs. C.

l'll make you proud.

Can hog! Can hog!

Get off my case,

little cocktail wieners!

GRACE:
Whoa, whoa!

l'm sensing a lot

of negative energy here.

That's our can, and Jeb took it.

And now he says it's his can.

Now, let's not play

the shame and blame game.

This is an organic problem,

and there's a holistic solution.

You don't get this whole

farm concept, do you, sister?

Kill the goat!

[All shouting]

-Give it!

-Get the can!

-Ahem.

-We're sorry, Mrs. Caloway.

Piggies,

why can't you leave Jeb alone?

Yeah! Why can't you?

The poor old goat

needs peace and quiet.

That's right! l need it!

So, run along,

and take your can with you.

Yeah, you take that can and--

Hey! Whoa! Come back here,

you little bacon bits!

Jeb, don't you have

enough cans of your own?

Uh, no, not really.

l'd be happy to take her in,

Abner.

There's always room

for one more.

Well, thanks, Pearl.

l gotta warn you, though.

She's--heh heh--

she's a bit headstrong.

PEARL:

Oh, now, don't you worry, Abner.

l'm sure she'll fit right in.

So long, Pearl.

You take care, now.

Mrs. Caloway! Oh! Mrs. Caloway!

Mrs. Calo--

[Gasps] Mrs. Caloway,

there's a newcomer at the gate.

-Not now, Audrey.

-But it's a great big--

Everybody? This here is Maggie.

[Tires screech]

[Rock music playing]

[Plop]

PEARL:
Three-time winner

of the Golden Udder Award...

and the original

Miss Happy Heifer.

A show cow?

On Patch of Heaven?

[Gasps]

PEARL:
Now, l want y'all

to make her feel right at home.

You hear me?

Hey, thanks, everybody.

lt's great to be here

in Patch of Heaven.

Now, don't everybody speak

at one time.

What is this,

the frozen food section?

[Echoes] ls this thing on?

[Blows]

Ahem.

Good morning, uh, Margaret.

What a wonderful surprise...

to find a fellow bovine

joining the ranks.

[Mock coughing] Phony.

[Honk]

Ooh!

-l'm Mrs. Caloway.

-Hi.

-And this is Grace.

-Hi.

No applause and trophies here,

l'm afraid.

Just the fruits

of our good, honest labor.

Hi.

Workin' stiffs, huh?

Boy, l remember those days.

Wow! You're the biggest cow

l have ever saw.

Well, if you're in charge,

l'll take that as a compliment.

-Uh--

-And if you're not...

l guess

l'll just have to sit on you.

Mom!

Hey, l'm only kidding!

Say, what is this you've got

jammed up in your ear?

Whoa!

Here, have an apple, kid.

Don't go near any luaus, though.

Wait a minute.

l got somethin' stuck in my ear.

This one's for me.

[Burp]

Ahh! That was good.

ALL:
Awesome!

Do it again! Do it again!

Come on, come on!

Do it again! Do it again!

DlLLON:

Oh! That's so cool!

Maggie's some fun, isn't she?

Ohh.

Teaching pigs to throw food.

As if they weren't

sloppy enough.

l'm goin' long!

Heh heh heh.

Ohh!

[Burp]

[All burping]

Whoa! Whoa!

Dagnabit, Buck, slow down!

MAGGlE:
OK, who's up for a game

of tin-can tag?

Hey!

That can is a family heirloom.

Whoever wins is gettin'

a free tetanus shot! OK?

BUCK:

Superstar comin' through!

ALL:
Awesome!

-No autographs, please.

-l got your autograph, pal! Ow!

Who's the hotshot?

-Oh, it's Buck.

-Puh! City slicker.

SHERlFF:
Oh! Whoa! Whoa!

Dagnabit, Buck!

Take it easy.

This ain't no rodeo.

Why, good morning, Sam.

Heh heh.

ls that ornery horse

gettin' away from you again?

Oh, uh, howdy, Pearl.

l came out to bring you

another bank notice.

This one'll be the last.

You know, every time

l get a weak harvest...

they send me

one of these here notices.

They'll get their money

soon enough.

SHERlFF:
lt's a whole new

shootin' match now, Pearl.

The bank's callin' in

everybody's debt.

They're losin' money

somethin' fierce...

with all the cattlemen

goin' under.

l'm tellin' you, if they don't

get their money in three days...

they're gonna auction off

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