Home On The Range Page #2

Patch of Heaven.

What?

[Gasps] No.

But...they can't take my place.

Why, l've been here

through twisters, blizzards.

Sam, uh...

Sam, this is my home.

l'm sorry, Pearl.

l'm truly sorry.

Yeah, well...

''sorry''

just ain't gonna save my farm.

Well, Buck,

l hope you're proud of yourself.

As a matter of fact, l am.

Thank you for checking.

You know, Pearl,

it don't have to be this way.

You've got the best livestock

in the county.

All you gotta do...

is just sell off

a few of these critters--

Stop right there, Sam.

They're family.

You don't sell family.

Ho-ho-hold your horses, Pearl.

Now you get,

before l start using words...

no good woman should ever use.

-Don't bust your gusset, woman!

-Go on, Sam!

lt is still my property!

Now get!

l said, get!

l was just tryin' to help!

Oh. Oh.

That sure took the starch

right out of me.

[Sighs]

PEARL:
l am sorry, girls.

l'm just plum out of ideas.

[Somber music playing]

Well, l think we all know

what happens now.

Well, l think we all know

what happens now.

-Uh, Jeb, don't start.

-Now we all get eaten.

-Jeb?

-What? What?

You don't think people in town

eat animals?

But who would eat a chicken?

Heh heh.

Come on, guys. There must be

something we can do.

What? What could we do?

Ohh...

-This just isn't fair.

-Fair!

[Gasps] Good call, Curly!

-Ollie.

-Ollie.

Uh, what is?

Listen. What would you say

if l told you...

that you could win big money--

and see

beautiful downtown Chugwater--

if you went to the County Fair?

ALL:
Ohh.

Thank you for your input, but--

Come on! Let the new cow talk!

ALL:

New cow! New cow! New cow!

Come on, Mrs. C. You've got

a real good-lookin' bunch here.

l see some real potential.

Aw, shucks.

Now, the fair is two weeks away.

l say we go to town, butter up

that sheriff's horse...

and get him

to give us more time.

What are we waitin' for, Maggie?

Let's go.

That's right.

What do you say, Caloway?

Bah! Absolutely not.

l will not abandon Pearl

in her hour of need...

for such a ridiculous plan.

She would be devastated

if she found us missing.

As far as l'm concerned,

that's not an option.

All right. Suit yourself.

Come on, Grace.

We've got a farm to save.

Oh, you'll have to excuse her.

She's just a little tense.

Tense. What's her specialty,

sour cream?

[Scoffs] Going to town.

Of all the ill-conceived i--

[Tweeting]

Now, don't look at me

so crossly.

l know what

you're going to say--

that Maggie and Grace

will need someone...

with my eye for detail...

to keep them

on the straight and narrow.

[Sighs] Say no more. l'll go.

Now, tut tut. No mushy

good-byes, my little ones.

You know how l get

about overly emotional displays.

Ahem. Ladies?

GRACE:
Mrs. C.

[British accent] Well,

what made you change your mind?

-l'd rather not talk about it.

-lt's a chick thing.

[All tweeting]

AUDREY:
Good luck, girls!

-See ya!

-Bye!

-They're stew meat.

-Hurry back!

[Music playing]

[Squawking]

GRACE, OFF-KEY:
# She'll be

comin' 'round the mountain #

# She'll be comin'

'round the mountain #

# She'll be comin' 'round... #

She better hurry up

around that mountain...

'cause l cannot take this

much longer.

Maggie, may l be frank?

Only if you let me wear the hat.

Ahem. Lowbrow remarks

may work for you...

but we prefer

the gentle approach.

Well, she better

stick a sock in it soon.

The vultures

are starting to circle.

[Gasps]

Hey, she's not dying!

You sure? We could wait around!

# ...no, nothing,

when she sees Grandma #

# No more food for her #

We'll keep you posted!

False alarm, Clem!

Roger dodger, out like the wind!

Hey, Maggie, Mrs. C?

How do we find...

the sheriff's office

when we get into town?

Elementary, my dear Grace.

lf we find Buck,

we find the sheriff.

That horse is a legend

in his own mind.

MAGGlE:
Ah ha ha ha ha!

MAGGlE:
Ah ha ha ha ha!

[Dramatic western music playing]

So, you think

you got the drop on me?

Well, think again.

Wahoo!

Wah! Wah!

Wah!

Yah-hoo! Hyah!

[Bellows]

Hmm.

Wooh!

Aah!

[Bonk]

[Ptoo, ptoo, ptoo]

Haaay! Jump back! Kiss myself!

[Kiss]

VOlCE:

Buck. Earth to Buck? Buck!

[Whistles] lt's your move.

[Gasps]

[Snoring]

Ohh...great.

[Snorts]

You were sleep-fighting again.

Almost threw a shoe.

Ohh. Sorry. Heh.

lt just--it seems like

all the other horses...

are out there fighting bad guys

and takin' names!

[Kung fu screams]

Uhh! Who put this here?

Oh, Buck,

this ain't no Dodge City...

but we get our share

of excitement.

MAN:
Hey, sheriff!

Been waitin' a long time

to give you this!

Telegram!

Oh, howdy, Morse.

What you got there?

Hmm. ''Got Evil Eye Joe. Stop.

''Bringing him today. Stop.

Have money ready. Signed, Rico.''

[Gasps]

Ha! Oh, yeah!

Rico caught another one already.

Might as well give him

the key to my safe.

You hear that, Rusty?

Rico's comin'.

Yeah, Rico.

l'm old. l ain't deaf.

Boy, wouldn't that be the life?

Ridin' with Rico,

cleanin' up the west.

Kickin' bad-guy behind!

Whoo! Wah-yah!

Watch out, sucker!

[Kung fu shouts]

All right, girls.

We're goin' in.

[Gasps] Look! There's no fences.

What keeps the people

from roaming?

MRS. CALOWAY:

They appear to be domesticated.

lt doesn't feel dangerous

at all.

lt's perfectly safe.

Quiet as a farm at milkin' time.

[Boom]

What was that?

lt's a gunfight!

[All mooing]

[Pop]

[Thock]

[Crashing]

-Aah! Hit the dirt!

-Who lives like this?

GRACE:

What do we do? What do we do?

MRS. CALOWAY:
Look,

there's a star on that door!

MAGGlE:
That must be

the sheriff's office.

Move, ladies! Move!

# Swivel your hips, ooh!

Give 'em a grind #

# Shimmy and shake

and leave your troubles be-- #

[All scream]

[Screaming]

[Mooing]

-Ha ha ha!

-Ha ha ha!

-Whoa!

-Get those cows off the stage!

[Growling]

Maybe we came at a bad time.

Charge!

[Gasps]

[Moo]

Uhh!

Oh! Oh!

-Ha ha ha!

-Ha ha ha!

-How dare you?

-Oh!

Whoa-oh-oh!

-Aaaah--uhh!

-Uhh!

-Daddy?

-Son!

[Ptoo]

[Gasps]

[Ding, bonk]

l say! Aah!

Aah! Oh! Ow! What did l do?

[All shouting]

WOMAN:
That does it!

Hoof it on out of here, ladies!

-Go on!

-Oh, come back!

That was the best dang show

we ever had!

Aw, you've been on the trail

too long, you old coot.

Ohh. What kind of

sheriff's office is that?

Dancing girls, gambling...

Ha! How does he ever

get any work done?

lf that's the sheriff's office,

this town rocks.

[Maggie laughs]

Well, if it isn't

three maids a-milkin'.

You girls a little far

from home, aren't ya?

Well, if it isn't

the phony express.

We want a word with you

about this.

-What's that?

-What is that?

l believe you left this

on our farm.

Wai--whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait a minute.

The place went bankrupt.

Your farm is history.

Don't you heifers get it?

Hold on, you two!

Give us two more weeks...

and we'll have at least

sixty bucks in prize money to--

Ah-ah-ah. You got three days

to pay or get on your way.

And sixty bucks don't cut it.

Looks like you need about...

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