Honeymoon

I guess I'm

the first one to do this.

Well, I'm not really sure

what I'm supposed to say.

I'm now a wife.

Okay,

wedding video.

Let me introduce you

to our delicious food.

We got veggie korma,

lamb curry, samosas.

Oh, I am sitting

inside a tent of sorts,

because it is inside a tent

similar to this one

where you proposed.

For our first date,

Bea chose an Indian restaurant,

you know,

one of those little places on Sixth Street

with the colored lights

and the fiber-optic lamps.

Yum, except that

halfway through the meal,

I start feeling

my stomach gurgle

in this horrible

food-poisoning-type way,

and I didn't even

have time to lie to her.

I spend 20 minutes in the

dirty restaurant toilet

and the rest of the night

on Bea's bathroom floor,

because I couldn't make it

to the subway,

let alone Brooklyn.

Well, we'd been planning

on going camping upstate

for weeks,

but, as you know, I got sick,

so we couldn't go.

I thought you were upset,

because you were

acting really weird,

but then you... you built,

like, this tent

over our bed out of blankets,

and we made s'mores

on the stove,

and then inside the fort

on our bed,

you said, "Bea, this was

supposed to be romantic

"and under the stars,

not sheets,

"but you make me the happiest.

Will you marry me?"

And now we're married.

So this, this is our,

"F*** you, Indian food."

You tried to keep us apart,

but f*** you.

We win.

So we didn't get

a regular wedding cake.

We decided on something that

was special for us instead.

Mm-hmm, special

and cheap.

What?

No,

I think some people

are annoyed by no cake.

Who cares?

It's our wedding,

huh?

Before, I was alone,

but now I'm not.

I love you, honeybee.

Whew.

It's not fancy.

Is it okay?

Do you like it?

Here's what I see...

ot the city,

woods.

Mm-hmm. I just want

it to be perfect.

And I just want to be with you.

Blehh!

All right, come on.

So this is the famous

family cottage.

Mm.

Wait, wait, wait.

What? What? What? What?

Not so fast, okay?

First, the grand tour.

So this is the living room.

Watch your step.

You may notice a slight tilt.

Uh-huh. This is

definitely unsafe.

Oh, yeah?

Well, you're unsafe.

You're unsafe.

You're unsafe.

Here we have a TV

and VCR from 1991.

Uh-huh.

Well, I mean,

who needs cell service

or Internet

when you can keep busy

watching your favorite VHS tape?

Over here, we have the kitchen,

complete with, yes,

a radioactive microwave

and an oven that probably

still uses hot coals.

You may be noticing a theme.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

I want to have sex with you.

Bzz. Change is bad.

Looks like a sign.

No, looks like bad wiring.

Yeah.

This is the bear room.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Very good.

Yeah.

And, uh...

why is it called the bear room?

No.

This is the bathroom.

It's green,

very green.

This is, uh...

This is where you almost

drowned playing submarine.

Yeah.

Huh.

Yeah.

You're my favorite.

Which one is ours?

Mm, next door.

The woods room...

Right.

because it has windows

facing...

the woods.

It's dark and scary out there.

It's dark and scary in here.

What's with the ducks?

Ah, they're fake and hollow,

empty inside.

I used to hide things

in 'em with I was little.

Oh?

Yeah.

What are you hiding under here?

My very superspecial

honeymoon nightgown.

I love you, honeybee.

Mm, bzz.

Hmm.

Sorry.

You are pretty creepo.

I was done sleeping.

Look what I found.

Mm.

"Dear ducks,

"my name is

Mallard P. Quack.

"I am not a real duck.

Stay away.

Quack, quack..."

Honk, quack,

quack, quack, honk.

Did we get milk?

You put it in here, right?

Yeah, no, it's in the fridge.

Now, then... Hey.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, wife...

Oh, how gracious

of you, husband.

Mwah.

After last night,

you deserve to relax.

Mm-hmm.

Rest your womb.

What, my womb?

Yeah.

Why did you say that?

I don't know.

I don't know. I'm...

I didn't mean anything.

I'm gonna make the pancakes now.

It's just...

What?

Well, I don't know.

Just say it. What?

Do you want to have a baby?

Heh. No. What?

No. I don't know

why I said, "Womb."

I was...

I was just teasing

about how hard I f***ed you.

Okay?

Okay.

What is it?

I don't know.

Okay. Cool.

Wait. I don't know if I'm

ready to have a baby.

I don't know if I'm

ready to have a baby.

We're gonna have

breakfast together

every day for the rest

of our lives.

I know. I know.

Hmm.

Which means

we got plenty of time

to talk about your womb and

other married-people things.

Right now,

I think we should just

be on our honeymoon.

Right?

Right.

Okay.

Mm.

Pancakes.

Pancakes

You ready?

This thing's massive.

Where'd it come from?

My dad.

Heh.

I didn't realize he

was that kind of hunter.

Well, what kind

of hunter is that?

The kind that kills

giant f***ing bears.

You ever killed anything?

Mm...

rats.

Yeah, murder by trap

doesn't count.

I mean with your bare hands.

Oh, with my bare hands?

Yeah.

Um...

have you?

No. No.

I mean, just fish.

Mm, I guess a few frogs.

What?

Oh, when I was little.

We'd use 'em as bait,

like little, mini baby ones.

Oh, right. Mm-hmm.

The little baby ones.

Yeah, baby ones.

Is that normal?

Oh, they scream

when you cast them.

Oh, my God.

Who are you?

Eee!

Aah!

Come on.

What?

What, should we grab your water wings,

too, Pauly Poo?

I'm really not embarrassed

by wanting a little extra

security on the water.

Here.

You tied it, right?

Tied what?

The anchor.

You tied the rope

before you dropped it?

Didn't you just tell me

to drop it in?

You're good at that.

12 years of Girl Scouts.

Last one in the

water's a rotten egg.

What are you talking about?

Well, if you're afraid,

you can just stay

in the boat like a baby.

I'm not

afraid of the lake.

Fine.

Hmm.

Take off your shirt.

All right.

No. No, this...

Heh. No.

Why not? Come on.

No.

Ah, I'm sorry.

I seem to remember someone saying,

"Oh, and it's gonna

be just before summer,

"so we're totally gonna have

the whole lake to ourselves,

and there'll be

no one around..."

Yeah.

And, uh, oh, sh*t,

yep. No one around.

Hello!

Yeah, looks like

no one's around.

Yeah, well,

I-I'll take this under consideration.

Okay?

What?

Oh, it's so cold.

It's freezing.

Freezing?

I thought

something had snapped...

"Oh, my goodness!"

"Oh, my goodness"?

Oh, my God,

did your womb get cold?

Heh. No,

but it did freeze

my big, giant...

balls.

No, Paul.

No.

Oh, no.

No, no, no.

Oh, no.

No, Paul. No, no.

1...

No, no, no!

2...

3!

Mm.

I really wanted to go

swimming with you.

I really wanted to go

skinny-dipping with you.

I'm hungry.

Oh, weird.

I feel kind of full.

You're a dirty girl.

You are a dirty girl

who deserves...

to be punished.

Paul.

Paul, stop.

Stop.

This it?

Catchy name.

Yeah.

Their specialty is food.

Last one there is a rotten egg.

F***.

They even open?

They should be.

We're closed.

W-We're closed!

Yeah, okay, buddy.

We got it.

We're leaving.

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