Hope Springs Page #3

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I guess Joanie and Fisher

are trying to save on the heating.

- What are you doing?

- I have no idea.

I think I'm stuck between

the innocent joy and the other kind.

It's a very strange sensation.

Come in the bed, Colin.

Yes, OK. Maybe that would help.

We're definitely moving towards

the non-innocent kind now, aren't we?

That's the thing about the innocent kind -

you never know when it'll come or go.

Like right now it's totally gone.

Shouldn't I be keeping my shirt on?

I think you're making all this much more

complicated than it needs to be.

Actually, it's all just clicked into place.

- We don't have to talk about it any more?

- No. The concept's become crystal clear.

Sorry.

I think there's one part of me

that still finds this a bit complicated.

It's probably just the first-date thing.

- You don't have sex on first dates?

- I don't have first dates.

King of the world!

Non-innocent kind.

Look, Johnny, my dear old dad wears

his tie tucked into his pants all the time.

Is that Colin Ware, renowned British artist?

Come on in, Colin.

Webster, this is Colin. Show him.

Don't say anything,

let him form his own opinion.

Come on, be brave.

Tell us what you think, Colin.

- It's the cannon, right?

- I don't know, you tell us. You tell us.

Looks just fine to you, does it?

It's maybe just a little more

flesh-coloured than the original.

We can fix the colour.

He's English. He's too polite to say it.

- Look at it, Colin. What does it look like?

- Doug, no one wears a tie tucked in.

Look, Mr Ware, in your opinion does the

cannon on this tie in any way resemble a...

- What do they call them over there?

- Gee, I don't know.

- A penis?

- A penis. A big, huge penis. Thank you.

Thank you. Jury's spoken.

Take a chair, Ware.

Now go back and have your people

come up with another concept,

not a goddamn Viagra commercial.

God, it is hell being a visionary.

Ware, have you been able

to try any of our spring water?

Now, this spring water comes from deeper

in the earth than your other spring water,

so it's older water.

Now, you might not think

you want older water...

- Sounds like maybe I do.

- Oh, yes. Old is good, Colin. Old is good.

So says my mineralogy expert,

and I do not keep Rock-man Ray

on the payroll just to yank my chain.

Good, don't you think?

It's a very nice fresh taste.

A very nice old fresh taste.

You can taste the old, can't you?

Statewide marketing begins next month.

We wanted to call it H2Ope, but we're

having a hard time g etting it cleared.

Hope Springs Eternal is the working title

right now. Pretty good, don't you think?

So, you have come all the way over here

from the land of 007

to draw some pictures of our local people?

For some exhibition? You got a name yet?

- Sorry?

- A name for the show.

Images of Hope:

Birthplace of American Art.

Now that's got a nice ring to it.

Yeah.

But how is Hope

the birthplace of American art?

I'm just trying to help. Don't be that way.

So, am I good sitting right here,

au naturel?

- Yeah, you're fine.

- Right about there?

Yeah.

How about there? Right about there.

Is that good, right there?

- That's fine.

- How's that?

With the hands up here?

No, too stuffy. Too stuffy.

Just like this. Here we go.

Hands down here?

Hands there.

This is fun.

- You just use pencils?

- Charcoal, yeah.

That's right, you do all the colouring-in

at a later juncture. I moved. Sorry.

- No, I don't paint.

- You don't paint?

Young Miss Morton led me to believe

I was sitting for a portrait.

- You are.

- A pencil portrait?

Could you stop, please, Mr Ware?

Thank you.

Look, Colin...

Every day for three years

I've had to stare at that monstrosity.

"You can't take down a painting of the most

important man in Hope's history", they say.

I say the most important man in our history

is sitting right here, staring up at that jerk.

- Who is that?

- Some Welsh dick.

- Welsh?

- Yeah. The guy who founded this place.

Somebody Edwards.

Doug Reed.

Yeah, look, Brad, this is all I'm saying:

It's the Cannon Ball next week

and we have no goddamn merchandise.

Anything. Key-chain replicas, cannon

toothbrush holders for kiddies... Come on!

Hey, how about cannon-styled

musical toilet seats

that play "Bridge Over Troubled Water"

when you take a dump?

Figure it out, Brad! Get to work!

This journal...

- What?

- Of 1741.

Yeah? What about it?

It's this paper... You can tell

by the grain that's it's contemporary.

I mean, it's a fake.

It's quite a good fake actually, but it just

seems to have been done on some...

- Computer program?

- Yup, maybe. Or possibly some sort of...

Computer program?

My computer program?

- You can produce fake documents?

- Naughty mayor. Naughty, naughty mayor.

So listen, Picasso, are you gonna

do me a grown-up painting or not?

Because if you could,

I'm telling you, friend,

I'll give you the freedom of the town, the

key to the city, you name your pleasure.

I cannot tell you what it would mean to me

to have a proper portrait up there

of Doug Reed, the man who gave us Hope,

instead of that a**hole.

Hello. I'm looking for a friend of mine.

Name of Ware.

- Ware?

- Ware.

- Ware, you say?

- Yes. Colin Ware.

Let me just look and see

if we have anyone here by that name

at the inn or not.

Ware... Ware...

Ware...

Ware...

Room 11. The English guy's in Room 11.

- Room 11. Thanks.

- He went out.

- Sorry?

- He went out early this morning.

I thought you didn't know who he was.

I remember him now - the artist fella, right?

No, he went out at the crack of dawn

with all his artist-fella things.

He's back.

He wouldn't let me in his room to clean.

Oh, right.

Thank you again for that, Tina.

You must sign the visitors' book.

- Sorry?

- All guests must sign the visitors' book.

- Where is it?

- Where's what?

The visitors' book.

Tina, what did you do

with the visitors' book?

We got a visitors' book?

What the hell. Shall we just forget

the formalities on this occasion?

Let's.

Colin, I know I don't exactly deserve

the red-carpet treatment,

but after 5,000 miles

and 20 hotel reception desks,

I do think that the least you could do

is invite me in,

away from the stares

of the very eccentric management here.

- How did you know I was here, Vera?

- I spoke to Jeremy at the gallery.

He told me how excited he was

about this exhibition he's planning

of drawings that you've been doing

in America in a place called Hope.

Wow. I can see he has every reason to be.

Aren't you on your honeymoon?

This isn't going to be smooth, Colin.

It's no use pretending

that anything we say

will make this anything other than

the most awkward moment we've ever had.

No ashtrays. What a surprise.

I think we should do what you always say:

Rise above our emotions with maturity.

Good f***ing wedding, was it?

I have nothing to say in my defence.

I did a terrible thing. A terrible thing.

This is a no-smoking room.

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