Horns Page #2

---

No, of course not. Of course.

Why would you even ask me that?

Maybe I should just leave

her here and drive away.

Divorce my husband.

I could f*** my golf pro again.

Excuse me?

I'd never been with

a jigaboo before.

But it's true what they

say about black c*cks.

I call it my five iron.

Here you go.

I feel like I

have to yell at that girl's

mother. I know it's not her

fault that her daughter's

a screechy puke,

but really now.

Go ahead. Why not?

Ma'am? Do you

think you could show some

f***ing consideration and take

your daughter out of here

so we don't have to

listen to her screaming?

What did you just say to me?

I said you should take that

screeching pig of yours

by the hair and drag her

the f*** out of here.

F*** you!

Shut the hell up, you

dried up old twat!

Hey, you don't

want to do this in front

of your daughter.

Come on.

I hate

Mommy. I wanna burn her in

her bed with matches. I wanna

burn her up all up gone!

You may want to stop

pumping that now.

Sorry.

My boyfriend's seeing

this girl on the side.

She works at the Bradlees

down by the Marina.

I'm thinking on my lunch

hour I should drive over there

and key her Saab. And put

dog sh*t on the driver's seat.

Or maybe I should just take

a dump on the seat myself.

Ignatius Perrish.

Long time no see.

Hey.

So, what brings you

in here this morning?

Well, can you see anything

that might be wrong with me?

You mean besides your horns?

Well, no, that's

exactly what I mean.

So you can see them?

Well, shouldn't you both

be shocked or something?

I think if I saw someone with

horns, I'd piss down my leg.

Well, they're kinda

hard to remember.

I mean, every time I look

away from you for a second...

I kinda forget that

you even have them.

Okay, but what are they?

I mean, do you, you know...

do you think they could

they be cancerous?

Could they be some weird

tumor or something?

Well, they're definitely

cause for concern.

They look inflamed.

Do they hurt?

Oh! Yes, like hell.

All right. You know how

I think we should proceed?

How?

I think I should grind me up

some OxyContin and have a little

snort. I mean, I'd share. We

could get f***ed up together.

No! Please, can you just focus

on my problem for a second?

Okay. I'm gonna

try, but it's hard.

I keep thinking about

this girl, Nancy...

Oh God.

that my daughter hangs out with.

God, I want her ass so bad.

Christ, can you just-

How are we gonna deal

with these things on my head?

You f***ing patients, all you

care about is yourselves.

Listen, Doctor, just saw

the goddamn horns off.

You sure this is

gonna work, right?

Not at all, actually,

but it'll be fun to try.

What?

Now just breathe normally.

What? No. Okay.

Doctor, please, if you're not

sure about we can just...

It'll be okay. Just breathe.

Just breathe.

Everything's gonna be fine.

That's right.

Have you seen

that girl before?

What's she doing?

I think it's Morse code.

And she's telling you to stop

checking her legs out in

church or she's gonna

give you a black eye.

Go forth in peace.

Eat my guts, Glenna!

Here we go.

Here we go.

Run, run, run!

Sorry, Scruffy.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

You sick F***.

Yeah, spread it's legs.

Yeah, put them

in one by one, guys.

I'm telling you, she

was doing Morse code.

She was sending me a message.

Yeah, I didn't even

think you liked girls, Ig.

Always thought

you were a fag.

Shut up, Meatbag.

What's

so special about her?

I mean, it's like y'all

never saw a girl before?

You guys are gonna

wanna find cover or else you'll

all be wearing turkey dinner.

Hey, get the f*** out.

What's wrong? What?

Sh*t.

Maybe it got wet.

Give me the lighter. Sometimes

it messes up and stuff.

Now you're literally Meatbag.

- Oh, man.

- Oh, sh*t.

Never looked better.

So what are we

gonna blow up now?

We're not blowing

up anything else today.

I'm saving my last cherry

for something special.

Come on, Eric. Don't be a dick.

The only way I'm giving

up this last cherry bomb...

is if one of you homos

climbs in that shopping cart...

and rides it

down the log ramp.

I'll do it, Meatbag.

Naked.

I'm gonna do it, Eric.

Sure you are.

Igs, don't. Don't!

Don't be ridiculous.

You don't have to do this.

You'll get a cherry.

Come on, man.

One left.

Don't do this, please.

You're gonna kill yourself.

Dude, if you get hurt,

Mom's gonna f***ing kill me.

No. No, I can't watch.

Oh, sh*t!

Ig! Ig! Ig! Ig!

Oh, my god, he's

hit his head on a log.

Do something.

Do something!

Where are they?

They should be up by now.

Oh my...

Oh, my god!

- Iggy!

- Ig! Ig!

Ig.

Hey, Terry, your brother

here's a total f***ing lunatic.

You f***ing idiot! If Lee hadn't

been here to pull you out...

Did you do

mouth-to-mouth, f*ggot?

Shut up.

Now give me the cherry.

No way. I said ride down naked.

You wore tighty

whities and sneakers.

Eric!

Give him the f***ing cherry.

So, you like that

new girl in church?

I don't know her yet.

I like her too.

She's not like all the

other girls around here.

I mean, she's

not like Glenna.

She gives handjobs to

your brother and Eric...

because she thinks that's the

only way guys will like her.

But they just

think she's trash.

Maybe I should

give her the cross.

I mean, I am the

one who fixed it.

No! You can't do that.

Okay. What will

you give me for it?

Do you want my cherry bomb?

You

fixed my cross.

Yeah.

Did something, you

know, happen to your mom?

She died last year.

That's why my dad

and I moved here.

Really?

How did she...

She had cancer.

Is it okay if we don't

talk about it anymore?

Yeah. Yeah, I understand.

Thanks again for

fixing my cross.

Ig!

Did you give the

cherry bomb to Lee?

What happened?

It blew up in his hand!

What?

Let's get him in exam room

number two.

Let's operate right away.

Where is he?

He's in that room.

Hey, look on the bright side.

I still got eight fingers.

I'm sorry.

I wish I never gave you the...

You're not going to tell your

mom who gave you the

cherry bomb, right?

Don't worry about it.

Everything's gonna be fine.

I'm glad one good

thing happened today.

Where are you taking me?

Come on.

Can't wait to show you this.

Wow.

Come on, come on, come on.

Don't fall off.

- Okay.

- Come on, come on!

Don't trip on any roots, okay?

Are you sure you

know where you're going?

You see?

Wow.

How did you find this place?

Just walking through

the woods one day.

Come on.

This is where I come

when I want to be alone.

So now I know

where to find you.

We've got a great hiding

spot where you can hide food...

blankets, anything

else you want to hide.

So you're a Bowie fan too.

Yeah.

I didn't tell you the truth.

Lee's the one who

fixed your cross.

He wanted to give

it back to you, but...

I traded him the

cherry bomb instead.

So it's all my fault.

How is it your fault?

Because if he

gave it back to you,

then he would've

been the one who...

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes