Hotel Noir

---

I know.

I'm not what you expected.

Honestly, I'm not what I expected either.

But what my mother expected.

You could say I'm unexpected all around.

I install shower doors.

Glass ones.

On the side I paint pets.

Not paint the pets, I do portraits of pets.

You figure, wait a minute.

Shower doors probably means he gets

a lot of lonely housewives coming on to him.

Maybe an average looking,

but with a friendly manner

and an optimistic outlook of life,

then I can say yes.

It happens sometimes.

Or at least once.

With a good-looking lady, that is.

It happened another time,

but I rather not think about that.

Whew!

Anyway, I was finishing the installation

when she walked in.

Contrary to popular belief...

Beg your pardon?

Kittens love taking showers.

contrary to popular belief.

Yeah?

Do you mind if I try out the shower

and make sure it doesn't have a leak?

The shower's not gonna leak.

No...

My work is guaranteed.

Oh!

Oh.

Yes.

Oh.

I hate awkward silences.

I know what you mean.

You are a very difficult man to read,

Eugene.

Am I?

Because 'Oh' could mean several things.

It could be an encouraging

ohhh...

Or it could be an

'Oh, I play for the opposite team.'

Is that what you think?

I hope not.

Oh, what about your husband?

I don't want to talk about him.

But he's not gonna walk in now

while you're taking a shower?

No, no, lately he comes home late

if he comes home at all.

It's a heavy workload at work, he says.

She was a little redundant.

I noticed that right away.

But I don't mind that in a woman.

You know?

I know, times are tough.

Do you wanna keep talking about him?

Or...

do wanna watch me take a shower?

As you can probably imagine,

I had 200% of zero interest

in talking about her husband.

I just wanted to make sure it wasn't

some kind of kinky ruse

where he was gonna come busting in

with a baseball bat

and I end up gagging in some cellar.

I'd rather watch you take a shower.

Great!

I've never showered in front of someone else.

I could turn around.

You're a real gentleman, aren't you?

I was raised by a single mom, so...

she made sure I respected women.

It's...it's not easy for you guys

with us calling the shots

or thinking we do anyway...

and all we do is mess things up.

All you guys want is a little attention.

Somebody who...

holds your hand during dinner and

listens...

you know,

says thank you

and tells you your hair looks nice.

I knew the holding hands bit was overkill.

At least I didn't offer to give her a massage.

The damage was done.

She was drop dead gorgeous.

All that oxygen pumping in and out of her lungs.

I didn't ask for this, you know?

The first weekend we got together

he took me on a trip to Cabo.

And I found out later he had conned his way

into getting an upgrade using someone else's name,

which at the time I thought was reckless

and cute.

Maybe it was the heat or the ceviche

that went to my head

but somehow I had nineteen orgasms.

From eating ceviche?

With him in the room.

And I just thought, Holy Moly, you know...

This is the one.

I guess.

He knows how to make me feel.

I had to listen to my body.

I think there are a lot of guys

who can listen to your body.

You're sweet.

No, no, I mean...

your body really speaks loud and clear.

You think I'm vulgar?

No, no, I don't...

Not at all.

I think you're articulate.

Physically, is what I'm saying.

You think I'm fat.

My mother has gotten so fat.

No, no, you're not at all fat.

Let's talk about

what you were talking about before.

No, I don't wanna talk about him.

Me either.

No, words just get in the way of emotions.

Yeah.

Yes.

Yeah.

But somehow I feel I can really talk to you.

And so she talked...

and talked.

I knew I was in trouble when I noticed

my right leg was asleep

and I started wondering how late

I was gonna be for my next appointment.

It was clear this woman was in no emotional state

to throw herself at me.

Plus the nineteen orgasms given to her

by her husband were looming over me

like a monster.

...and that Russian tramp had hypnotized him...

and he had blown all of the missing cash on her.

How many days?

Excuse me?

How many days were you in Cabo?

Two, why?

No reason.

Oh, listen to me!

Saying I don't want to talk about him

and then going on, and on, and on about him.

You must think I am such a mess.

No...

Yes, you do.

No, I don't.

Cause what I want...

Check that, no, no, no...

what I need...

I need for you to ravage me.

Can you do that for me?

Even if I look like I'm not enjoying myself?

Can you just have your way with me

like some sort of savage?

It's okay, it's okay.

It's okay.

I love him so much...

We shouldn't do this.

He's a great guy. You would get along.

You would like each other.

I'm sure we'd love each other.

I am the worst person in the world.

I have no right to drag you into this.

I'm so sorry.

So anyway, that happens once in a while.

But for the most part...

shower door installation is not consonant

with seduction.

Which makes the tale I'm about to tell you

all the more peculiar.

Oh, I didn't know you had company.

Who?

I don't know. I'm Sevilla.

Oh, Eugene Portland.

At your service.

Is that your dog?

No, that's a er...

a painting,

it was commissioned by a lady and...

Can I help you?

This is not room 43.

No, it's room 34.

I have a condition.

What kind of condition?

A dyslexic condition.

I'm sorry to bother you.

I'm late for an appointment.

No bother at all.

Come back any time.

Before I can tell you about Sevilla's story

I gotta tell you about Felix.

He's the real protagonist of this tale.

Even if he's not gonna make it through the night.

Main thing you gotta know,

he was a great detective.

He didn't think he was a hot potato,

he just was.

But then he fell for the wrong kind of dame.

Who doesn't?

And he borrowed... scratch that...

stole some money

in order to get away with her

to live happily ever after.

He planned the whole thing perfectly,

outwitted his opponents...

misdirected like a magician, switched the bag...

lost the tail, and waited for her.

Sorry.

I thought you were someone else.

I read this book once.

That book is out of print.

Time passed to fast before you saw her.

Then it stopped short.

Short on a dime.

Time passed to fast before you saw her.

Then it stopped short.

Short on a dime.

She's so pretty,

She's so pretty...

She's so pretty, you've never seen so pretty

in all of your time.

And you can get the governor on the line

and win it with all of your might.

But you can't change the fact

that she's a diamond,

shiny diamond

and you, sir, are merely just a man.

Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh...

Men have tried since she first grew into

the golden masterpiece that she is.

Whip smart and bright,

bright as lightning.

But they weren't ever on par

with the miss.

You can be stranded on an isle with her

and hope she gets bored with herself.

You can't change the fact that she's a diamond,

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes