How To Deal

Sometimes, life is so perfect.

Isn't it?

It has to be. To make up for all

the hard stuff it throws your way.

You have to learn to walk.

You have to learn to talk.

You have to wear

that totally ridiculous hat

your grandma bought you.

You have no say in the matter.

And when you're a little older,

even though you get to choose your hats,

you don't get to choose what they put

in those meatballs at the cafeteria.

Or when to fall in love.

Things happen,

and you just have to deal.

And breathe.

Let's just think of the day

my parent's divorce came through

as 'Big, Ugly Hat Day. '

Refer to diagram B

on page 19.

'The Tree of Life. '

And breathe.

Anybody but his own

selfish pleasure.

Mom, please.

- Focus.

I couldn't care less about

your father's midlife crisis

and complete mockery

of his wedding vows.

I just hope he doesn't

expect me to take...

Halley, I'm sorry.

I didn't see you there.

Guys...

- Where do you think you're going?

As long as you're gonna kill me

with flying ice, does it matter?

Excuse me, everyone. L...

Mom?

- Sorry.

I have some really

important news to announce here.

Lewis and I...

we're getting married.

He asked me last Saturday night.

I wanted to tell you,

but I wasn't sure when,

or how you'd react.

I told him I couldn't even wear

this ring until after I talked to you.

But we wanna have

this big Spring wedding.

Mom, I'm so happy.

Nice timing, huh?

Tell your mom you're getting married

on the day she gets divorced.

Why does love

make people crazy?

Scarlett, you weren't picking up

your phone. I'm so sorry.

Halley, that's Michael. Michael...

Hi.

Thank you.

Bye! I love you!

What do you think?

You didn't tell me

you were doing it.

When you meet the right person

and you fall in love...

It's like... it's like

everything you thought...

you thought is...

Can you believe it?

No. I can't.

Scarlett, come on.

You are sounding dangerously close

to a Hallmark greeting card.

You're gonna let yourself turn

into mush over something like sex?

Yeah.

You can't expect

to do anything great in life

if you buckle the first time

some guy bats his eyes at you.

News flash, Hal.

Even Madonna

eventually got married.

My mom thinks that means

there's hope for her, too.

Your mom wants to get married?

Well, she wants

to fall in love, Halley.

Everyone does.

Hi. I've been in...

Hi. I've been divorced

for a long time,

so my baggage is ancient history.

I like to think

that I travel light these days.

Except for my daughter, Scarlett,

who is just a joy of a carryon.

I think I'm taking

the baggage thing too far.

Maybe I should start over.

You know what I think

of this whole idea.

I'm only gonna send it

to the online guys

who pass my rigid

five-point checklist.

Here, you try.

Go away.

- Lydia.

The man of your dreams

is sitting out there right now

waiting to hear from you.

Speak to him.

I don't think the perfect man

is gonna want to hear what I have to say.

Sure he does, Sweetie.

Speak to him.

Go on.

I'm sorry, Mr. Perfect...

but if you're waiting for me,

it's gonna be a hell of a long wait.

See, I've had it

with men like you.

I think it's terrific

that you have a great job,

and you're sensitive

to the needs of others,

and you jog three times a week

to keep the belly at bay.

But the second

some silicon-breasted,

butt-kissing, airhead climber

half your age comes along,

you can't keep

your pants zipped.

Well, f*** you!

That's right, Mr. Middle-age,

think-you're-a-big-shot,

phony a**hole.

You ain't gettin' any from me.

Okay.

I think we'll just

give this a little time.

So juvenile.

I'm glad you're back early from camp,

even though it was

a dishonorable discharge.

What happened? Where were

you trying to get to in that canoe?

No comment.

No comment?

I don't speak to the press.

I'm the press?

Yeah, and anything I say can

and will be used against me, right?

I would never use

anything against you.

Dad, give it up! It's old,

and you need to get your own material.

Daddy Dog.

- Yo.

Len Martin. It's you, right?

WDYG's coolest DJ.

That's me.

'We dig the dog! '

Love your show, man.

- Thanks, man.

You are the hippest

old guy I know.

Yo, dude!

I'm not that old!

That's Len Martin.

Hello, gorgeous ones.

And you invited her.

Hey, Baby.

- Hey.

I thought we'd spend time together,

then we could have a chance to bond.

Well... Look at you, Halley.

That's hard to do

without a mirror, isn't it?

Honey, you keep getting

prettier every day.

I have no idea how you

could say that, cause...

you definitely don't

see me every day, do you?

And yesterday,

my God, I was so ugly,

and last Wednesday...

that sucked, too.

So it's kind of

a day-to-day thing.

I love that sense of humor.

Just like her daddy.

Look at that gorgeous girl.

- Dad, stop it.

She's got her daddy's hair.

Don't cut it.

- It's beautiful.

Don't cut it.

Just let it grow, let it grow.

Don't cut it.

Cut it.

Okay.

Let me count the ways

that this card can be used to induce...

nausea,

gastric distress, vomiting.

Yeah, go ahead and mock me,

but this is serious.

I need to find something funny

and something sweet...

just the way Scarlett is.

Remember last time I got her...

- Okay. Look, here's one.

Not helping.

'From small beginnings

come great things. '

'Congratulations

on your new baby. '

I thought you

were gonna help.

Lighten up, Sherwood.

'The first time we met,

you stole my heart. '

'Good luck in finding

a compatible organ donor. ' Nice.

I'm kidding, okay?

It's blank inside.

You know something?

You're not too funny.

This girl is amazing...

unlike you...

and she's sensitive...

unlike you.

And she's sexy.

Unlike you.

There's gotta be a card...

- Is that Michael?

For a redhead from...

- I can't see.

A newly smitten

hunka hunka burning love.

I mean... Look.

Summer romance

has its own section.

It's not a summer romance. I mean...

Scarlett is...

- Standing right behind you, dude.

Hi.

Sneaking up on me?

Hi, Halley.

- Hi.

You remember my name?

Sure. We were in Biology together.

Yeah, I know, but...

well, you were never there,

really... technically.

I like your hair.

Thank you.

See, my schedule is all wrong,

which I think is a sign

that nothing's going

according to plan this year.

It's a complete and total mess.

Looks like a fine schedule to me.

No. Band?

I would never sign up for band.

What's wrong with band?

- I don't play anything.

Well, maybe you should.

I'm sure you can handle it.

Mrs. Toussaint,

this is not my schedule.

Look, I'm signed up for Algebra,

and I've already taken Calculus.

Maybe a brush-up is a good thing,

not to mention a good grade.

Why don't you just give it a shot

before you decide anything?

Okay, I'm signed up for boys' P. E.

- Fill out this form.

Daddy Dog.

- We'll start again.

Len Martin with a traffic update

from that love puppy in the skies,

our very own Lorna Queen.

Lorna, you up there?

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