How To Lose Friends & Alienate People

..:
: TheGhost ::..

Supposing Queen Elizabeth had been

misguided enough to marry an English Commoner.

Janet.

I'm sorry Ms. Fox, I didn't quite hear.

Obviously you're immersed in problems of far

greater significant than Elizabeth's foreign policy.

When I was a kid, I used to think

there was a special place where

All the movie stars lived

A kind of Shangri La.

And if you could just get inside there,

You'd be happy.

Forever.

All these years later,

I'm finally inside.

I've made it... to Shangri La.

My name is Sidney Young.

I am a celebrity correspondent.

A journalist, a friend to the stars.

Yeah... that... that isn't me.

This is me.

At the Apollo Film Awards

in L.A., this year.

That's my Armani tuxedo.

That's an Omega Speed Master Pro

watch I'm wearing.

That's the actress, Sophie Maes.

Last night she told me she'd let

me have sex with her if she won...

the best actress award.

Oh!... She just won the Best Actress Award

My life didn't used to be like this.

Only a year ago, my alternative magazine,

"The Post Modern Review", was on the ropes.

I needed a big celebrity scoop to save

me from bankruptcy and humiliation.

But there was just one problem.

To cross the thin red line

that separates the Lookie Loo's from the stars,

You had to be famous.

Babe?

Babe 3 yeah..

But it hasn't got any ID...

How many pigs are coming tonight?

You want me to leave him with you?

No, no, no, you can not leave him here...

If you're positive you're supposed to...

Well, well... Sidney Young.

Well, well, clipboard Nazi type woman.

The pig doesn't get in.

What about me?

I was talking about you.

Plan B:
If you cannot crash

the awards ceremonies

You had to get in to one

of the after show parties.

Of these, the most exclusive,

was the Sharp's Magazine party.

Hosted by legendary editor

Clayton Harding.

Here the A-list could finally relax.

Safe in the knowledge that no Lookie Loo

would book a room in one of

London's most expensive hotels

just to be close to them.

OK Kevin, I want you in bed

by 10 o'clock, OK?

And no porn.

When I'm in L.A. I like to stay

at the Chateau, where else...

And then when I'm in London I also

like to stay here at the Haymarket.

It's got to the point where I don't

feel at home unless I'm in a hotel.

Do you know what I mean?

What is it you do?

I'm a writer, I'm a movie writer.

Great.

Hello.

Sir?

Is everything all right?

You have the most amazing cheekbones.

Have you had plastic surgery?

No, and you?

Me? No..

Penis reduction when I was a kid...

- You are too much!

- I am, aren't I?

What's your name again?

Clark, Clark Baxter.

How do you do?

Your... little... moustache...

Oh sh*t!

Sara, get security.

Sidney Young got in.

Who's Sidney Young?

Oh f***!

Plan C:
keep a low profile and leave

as unobtrusively as possible.

Can you get that?

Can you get the phone please?

The post modern review with an English

celebrity is a text to be deconstructed...

No we don't hate celebrities..

.. I am an internationally respected academic.

And prick.

You answer the phone,

What do I pay you for?

You don't pay me.

Answer the phone.

Hello, Post Modern Review.

If she doesn't apologize, I'm quitting.

You're going to have to apologize,

okay, George can't leave.

Why can't George leave?

Because he owns the Fax machine, that's why.

What?

It's Sharp's magazine.

We're finished.

We're not finished.

If they sue we're finished...

It's going to be OK,

give me the phone...

Be quiet.

Sidney Young.

This is Clayton Harding,

editor of Sharp's Magazine.

Ah, Lord Vader.

I saw you at my party. Just before you

ruined it with your little pig stunt.

Oh, you liked that did you?.

Sure.

I especially liked the part where

Clint Eastwood beat the sh*t out of you.

Well, you listen to me,

I'm not scared of you Harding.

You can sue if you like,

but it's like... Jimmy Stewart said...

You sit up there in your spindly little webs,

And you think the whole world revolves

around you and your money, but it doesn't Mister.

Mister..

- Potter.

Potter!

You may sue us OK, but I warn you

if you strike me down...

- Mr Johnson's here to see you.

- I will become more powerful than

you can possibly imagine

Destroy me and a hundred men

will spring up in my place.

Men who care nothing for success, men who

can't be bought, men who's only loyalty...

I want you to come to work for me

at Sharp's magazine in New York.

Fight!

Fight!

That's not coming out!

Can You say that again please?

Thanks a**hole.

Sorry.

Oh f***!

This magazine you're working for,

it is good?

Yeah, it's Sharp's.

You know, Sharp's Magazines?

High society, fashion, fine..

finance, Hollywood celebrities.

Hollywood?

It's Sodom and Gomorrah.

Now everybody is celebrity.

You take out your breasts

you are celebrity.

I think it really depends

on the breasts.

In Poland, someone was famous

because they done something.

Marie Curie..

Paul John Paul...

Yes, well they don't make entertainers

like that any more, do they.

They brought your things yesterday.

Great.

Yeah.

It's nice.

I like it.

I'll put my drums in

the corner over there.

Joking.

Just a little.

When you start work?

In the morning.

So got to be fresh,

make a good impression.

Go to bed.

That's exactly what I intend to do.

Make that two.

I'm Clark.

Clark Baxter.

Nice to meet you, cheers.

What is this?

That's a water, sir.

That's not right is it, put a

bit of beer in or something.

I'm sorry, my boyfriend's sitting there.

Is he?

He's f***ing small isn't he.

That's his White Russian,

he'll be here any second.

Excuse me? Can you reserve

seats in this bar?.

No.

I'm a journalist.

I work for a little periodical

you might have heard of.

Sharps Magazine.

I'm the Cultural Editor.

This is library card, from Gloucester.

It's the wrong one isn't it...

Happy now?

Just doing my bit for the gene pool.

Who is that with Clint Eastwood?

Morgan Freeman.

No, in the head-lock.

You got this laminated?

Sh*t... Sorry, sorry.

No, no, no, just leave it.

OK then.

It's pronounced "gloster" by the way.

Are you going to get off that seat?

No.

Do you know the meaning of Karma?

A curry?

What goes around, comes around.

The moment is approaching where you'll

pay the price for being an a**hole.

And when my boyfriend gets here, I'm going

to encourage him to take you outside...

Hello?

Hi honey.

All right, I'll see you then.

Boyfriend not coming?

I'm Sorry.

Do you think..?

Do you think I can have his drink?

Bobby.

You want my seat?

I'm just leaving.

Thanks.

Who do you think that is

with Clint Eastwood?

I'm going to go powder my nose.

Why don't you put on something

a little more romantic?

Mrs Labowski.

Kowalsky.

You know what time it is?

The music blaring, the door open.

Was it?

F***..

I mean sorry...

Sh*t...

I mean sorry..

I ran into an old friend...

and came back for a little...

... Penis.

You can do this.

You can do this.

You can do this.

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