How To Lose Friends & Alienate People Page #2

You so can do this.

Come on Bob... A quick cup

of coffee, then you gotta go.

This is my city.

This is my building.

This is my Lobby.

These are my models.

This is my work place.

And this is my boss.

What the f*** are you wearing?

You like it?

I've got another one actually.

Thanks.

The next time you come here dressed like

that you follow this shirt, you understand?

Sit down.

How was your flight?

It was good. Thanks to the

business class tickets, Clay?

That was a mistake.

And don't call me Clay.

Oh, can we smoke?

We... no.

Actually I'm a big fan of your

early... funnier, stuff

Snipe Magazine, really good.

You've actually been a big influence on me.

And I think together we can inject

some of that Snipe spirit into Sharp's.

In fact I've got some

idea which you might...

You think you've arrived don't you?

I hate to break it to you,

but you're only in the first room.

It's not nothing, don't get

me wrong, but eh...

It's not that great either, believe me

there's plenty of people in this town

Who made it to the first level

and didn't get any further.

And in about a year,

maybe longer,

You'll discover a secret doorway,

at the back of the first room,

That leads to the 2nd.

And in time, if you're lucky,

you'll discover...

another doorway in the back of the

There are 7 rooms, altogether.

You are in the 1st.

I'm in the 7th.

Don't you forget it.

Can I use the bathroom in the 7th,

cause the one in the 1st really smells.

Which leads us to the subject

of your sense of humor.

I had a look through

your magazine here.

Oh, what did you think?

Oh, it was kind of snarky...

and bitter... and witless.

I'm gonna try you out in

the "I Spy" section.

You're going to report

to Lawrence Maddox.

Plausibly, I know we've only just met,

already I perceive I'm in the presence

of a rare common sensibility.

Oh, thanks.

Harding is going to be your Rabbi,

show you the ropes.

Oh, Mr Maddox.

Are you aware of what

we do at "I Spy"?

You photograph famous people

when they're drunk.

"I Spy" is the nation's

window to high society.

The Lookie Loo's read us because...

they weren't there.

The glitterati read us because

we tell them they were there.

For the system to work,

we have to know what "there" is.

So when we go out to clubs and stuff,

is that on expenses?

This isn't a vacation, it's a vocation.

And when we do go out, you're going to

have to wear something more suitable.

What do you mean by suitable?

Something that covers all this up.

Is that Mussolini?

No Sydney, it's Richard Heywood,

owner of this magazine.

Who's this funny looking kid,

is that his son,

It's his daughter.

Elizabeth.

And my wife.

Really?

She's very... she's got...

I mean babies are all like Mussolini.

Miss Olsen takes care of book launchings,

gallery openings and other intellectual fare.

Ms Olsen will you find our new

rookie something to do?

I hear the Cultural Editor's

job is up for grabs.

Seeing I'm going to be sitting

just there, don't you think we

should put last night behind us?

No, now get off my desk.

Yeah, but...

I don't really know what

I'm supposed to be doing.

Are you gonna help me out?

Sure, which way did you come in?

Here, Chris Blick exhibition opening.

Caption it.

Now get out off my desk.

Hi.

Oh, hi Ingrid.

Aren't you going to introduce us?

This is Clark Baxter.

It's Sidney actually, Sidney Young.

Clark Baxter is my alias.

He's English.

Oh, right.

Hello.

Is that the Parsons Gallery.

Yes it is, this is

Celia Parsons speaking.

Hi, this is Sidney Young

from Sharp's magazine.

We're running some photographs from your

opening of the Chris Blick exhibition,

And I've been asked to caption them...

I was wondering if you could help

me to identify a few people.

All right.

Thanks.

Chris Blick, man or woman?

Is Chris Blick a man or a woman?

Are you sure you're calling

from Sharp's Magazine?

Yes I am.

Well then tell me Stanley,

why are they giving you this assignment,

If you do not know who one of the

most famous artists in America is?

I don't know.

He's a man.

Great, OK, is he an old man?

He's an older man, yes.

Cause I've got two old men here,

is he the fat one?

You do realize that Clayton Harding

is a personal friend of mine?

What's that got to do with anything?

Right...

Parsons Gallery?

Is he the one with the wonky eye then?

It's fashion sensitive.

If you're not wearing Prada,

it'll take your arm clean off.

But I am wearing Prada.

This place isn't what I expected.

What did you expect?

I don't know, like the Argunkle circle.

Dorothy Parker...

Martinis...

Quips... nobody here is drunk.

It's called being professional,

You should try it sometime.

Here's something you gotta understand,

okay, I'm not really one of you.

By you, do you mean human?

No, I mean one of the "Glossy Posse",

A bunch of Zombies walking about...

pets to the stars.

Acting like they're

working for the UN.

I'm here to shake things up.

Where are you from?

Not that it's any of your business, but

Port Huron, Michigan.

Ah... small-town girl.

"I bet you couldn't wait to get out,

get anywhere, get all the way to the NYC"

"Silence of the Lambs".

Let me give you a bit of advice, OK.

Don't take the celebrity

fluff too seriously.

You arrogant...

Are you insane?

That was Lawrence Maddox's wife,

Elizabeth, her father owns Sharp's.

That was her?

The Mussolini baby.

I can go back...

No, you do not approach Elizabeth Maddox.

You do not talk to her, don't even

make eye contact with her.

Do you understand?

What, am I supposed to be afraid?

Yes.

I don't know the meaning of

the word "fear"

I'm sure there are many words

you don't know the meaning of.

What's that mean?

When I think of all the people

who'd kill to be where you are,

And you lumbering here, spitting food,

haven't the brains god gave a mollusc...

Why did Clayton hire you?

Snipe Magazine.

What?

When Clayton left college he

started this magazine called Snipe.

It was fantastic, just took on all the

self-important celebrities in town,

It was completely fearless.

It was like my magazine,

But 20 years earlier.

I am the young Clayton Harding,

that's why he hired me.

He looks at me and

he sees his glory days.

His "glory days"?

Sharp's is one of over 40

national magazines in the world.

That increased its advertising pages

by 60% since he took over.

He makes millions of dollars a year,

he lives in a Bank Street town house,

and week-ends in the Hamptons.

Clayton Harding is one of the lynch pins

of the media industrial complex.

Don't worry about that.

I think I just might be

in time to save him.

Hello, you've reached Sidney Young.

I'm Sorry, but my answering

machine is out of order, so

The voice you're hearing is actually me.

What do you want?

Sidney.

Are you there?

Sidney.

It's your father.

If you're there Sydney, please

answer the phone.

Sidney, are you there?

Wow! Look at that.

Are you two texting each other?

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