How To Lose Friends & Alienate People Page #3

There's about a hundred grand's worth of

food here, and I'm the only one eating it.

Want some?

No.

This place is just wall to wall totty.

Wall to wall, what?

Totty, you know, babes.

Sexually attractive women.

- Do you mind?

- What?

Hey Lawrence, how are you?

Good to see you.

Look at that.

All night long people have

been treating us like royalty.

In London, the journalist motto is

everybody hates us and we don't care.

Well now your one of the high priests

of what's hot and what's not.

I shouldn't even be here.

I get thrown out of places like this.

Lawrence Maddox, oh my goodness...

Long time.

Yeah.

Rachel.

Rachel, how are you?

Well I'm wonderful, just wonderful.

How are you?

You know it is so funny

I should run into you.

I've just done this great

little film, it's called 5 Burros.

It's low-budget,

first time director,

But it's really moving.

Hey, maybe you could do a little...

Vincent.

Good to see you.

Lawrence, right?

Yeah.

How are you sir?

- Good,

- Good to see you too.

How's the picture?

Pretty close to perfect, if I can just

get all the experts to leave me alone.

I think we're gonna have

some screenings next week.

Hey! That was Rachel Petkoff.

Fantastic actress.

She hasn't done anything for

a while, but in her day...

- Sure...

- No seriously, I think she's due for a comeback.

You should get in there,

do a profile, before anyone else...

Sidney, I'd like to introduce

you to Vincent Lepak, "Enfant Terrible".

In my opinion the most exciting

new director in American cinema.

This is the worst fundraiser

I've been to my whole life.

It's a ratfire isn't it?

Excuse me.

Can I have your autograph please?

I'm a huge fan.

Is that so?

Yeah, I've seen everything

you've been in.

Those episodes of "The Love Boat".

"The Bionic Woman",

and "Songbirds".

"In the Night",

And I saw your first ever TV appearance

"The Twilight Zone - House of Mirrors".

Right.

But my all-time favorite has

to be "A Day Too Long".

You were great in that.

What's you name, honey?

Sidney.

Sidney Young.

Thanks.

I'll remember that.

Thank you.

I mean you look around you

and it's all sh*t, you know.

No-one's making movies that

are f***ing worthwhile.

I have disagree with you Vincent.

You're making movies

that are worthwhile.

This is what I'm saying.

You have to inspire yourself.

I am my role model,

I want to be me.

What's the greatest film ever made?

Excuse me?

What is the greatest film ever made?

Have a guess.

Well... I don't know,

I don't think there is one...

Have a guess!

Yeah, have a guess,

what's the greatest film ever made.

It's hard to say.

I personally love

La Dolce Vita.

Incorrect.

Con Air.

I beg your pardon?

Con Air.

Right? It's got everything hasn't it?

You got Malkovich for your acting chops.

You got Nicky Cage for your action.

And Steve Buscemi for your comedy.

John Cusack for the gays...

It's like a smorgisboard isn't it?

I don't think we've been introduced.

Mr Young, this is Eleanor Johnson.

Queen of New York.

Sidney is from England.

He's our very own "idiot savant",

without the "savant".

Well it's always nice to have

fresh blood to these things.

Which reminds me,

I am here with Sophie Maes.

I want you to meet her.

His new film,

"The Making of a Saint".

The buzz is amazing.

The release is being tied in with the

roll-out of the Versace campaign.

And Louis Vuiton is on the line.

This train is leaving the station.

What, you're a publicist?

I don't really like that word Sidney.

What do I call you then?

You can call me Eleanor.

All right.

There she is.

Sophie, give us a smile!

This one will go far.

Where is the car?

What's it doing at the back?

Well, forget what I said,

I want it at the front now.

I just think it's so awful

how we're still exploiting animals,

Which is why I won't wear fur,

or leather, or wear makeup.

I'm a vegetarian.

I'm with you on that one.

I won't eat anything with eyebrows.

Or something that can chuckle. I would

never eat an animal that could chuckle.

I'm sorry, I can't really

understand your accent very well.

I just.. nothing.... just

So you're an actress?

So you've not won any Oscars then?

No.

Cause I would definitely vote for

you for best supporting dress.

I haven't been nominated for anything.

I realise, I'm just saying...

Sophie, dear,

Are you ready?

Yeah.

I was joking...

cause your dress was obviously...

You know what to do.

Thank you.

Lovely.

Sophie, Sophie!

I'm going to the circle club,

I'll see you tomorrow.

Okay, good night.

Push up.

Where are you going?

I'm going to the club.

I'm sorry, you're not on the list.

Cuba!

See, even Cuba says so.

Cuba...

Who's a good boy.

To the Circle Club.

It just turns my stomach.

He's pouring all over her, he's

old enough to be her father.

No he isn't.

Yes he is.

Actually I was producing

sperm when I was 13...

For your information he wasn't pawing

her, he was just doing his job.

In case you haven't noticed, Sharp's has

to have a star on its cover every month

And most of these stars are

Eleanor's clients so...

do not piss her off.

She's a flack.

Hacks do not take orders from flacks.

And I wouldn't call that doing his job,

he had no blood left in his upper body

Oh, and the next time you want to do that

hilariously ironic "I love Con Air" skid...

- I wasn't being ironic...

- would you mind?

Not doing it in front of Vincent Lepak,

who happens to be very important.

Yeah, I could tell that by the way he was

allowed to stay up past his bedtime.

Do you think she'll go out with me?

Who?

Sophie Maes, do you think

she'll go out with me?

No.

Girls like Sophie do

not date journalists.

As far as she's concerned

you're the help.

What do you know anyway?

A lot of these starlets

are lonely.

All they do is look around for men.

This is New York, Sidney, women

only date men who are successful.

I'm gonna be successful.

And tall.

Have you seen this?

She's everywhere.

Good cover.

From Sophie Maes.

Thanks for the great night.

Sweet kid.

Sidney...

about last night.

A word of advice.

Don't talk to the celebrities.

Sophie said you made her uncomfortable.

So Brad's people finally

got back to me with the agreement.

We have the whole afternoon

before the shoot.

Good work Lawrence.

OK, if that's it...

Actually I was thinking Clay...

Paris Hilton.

I do a profile of her as if

she's this complete recluse,

Like a hermit.

I'm tracking her down.

Who is the elusive Paris Hilton,

and why she's so publicity shy?

Good...

Just changing....

That's first room stuff, Sidney,

and call me Clay one more time

see what happens.

Sorry.

No, I love this, but I'm

so fat I couldn't.

Get out of here.

You look totally rexy.

God, that's so sweet.

I don't mean to be rude Sidney,

but what the f*** do you want?

You know how things work here,

How am I gonna get a piece

of the magazine?

I thought all this fluff

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